


it's the same each & every night, glare at my screen with two big bloodshot eyes

by yongz



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Getting Together, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Na Jaemin-centric, Polyamory, Sad Na Jaemin, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Harassment, Slow Burn, Slurs, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, aka me giving jaemin my issues bc tht's how it works, im sorry jaemin ily <3, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2020-09-25 21:57:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 40,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20378752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yongz/pseuds/yongz
Summary: That's the thing about Jaemin. He's always careful. Always safe. Jaemin's always been cautious. Cautious about what he wears, cautious about his health, cautious about the food he eats, cautious about the scale, cautious. That’s all it is, caution. There’s really nothing to worry about.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> slight a vent fic, but it has Plot(tm) i promise
> 
> heavy tw for eating disorders and general sadness
> 
> basically i give jaemin all my issues and write it bc that's how writing works right woops  


If someone were to ask Jaemin, it wasn't all bad. Some days, are good. Some days he wakes up and looks in the mirror, and thinks _oh, it's not so bad._ Some days he'll put on outfits he wished he could wear all the time, and pretty himself up. Some days he'll treat himself, because he wanted to and felt good afterwards. Some days he'll look in the mirror and _admire_ himself. Think about all the days gone by and wonder if this is finally the end. If this is the end goal he's been working towards. If it'll be like this everyday.

Some days, is not every day.

Some days, it's bad. So bad, he can barely stand to see his reflection in the mirror. He can't leave his room; he can't open the blinds. He tenses when he sees his passing body in a shop window reflection. All his thoughts are filled with nasty words; words Jaemin would never dare say out loud to anyone else except himself. Days like this he shuts himself in his room, and heats up frozen dinners with the calories written on the back in neat, black numbers. Numbers and facts. Jaemin can deal with those.

It's why he hates going to restaurants. It's fear of the unknown. He tells his friends that he doesn't like change, but that's not true. It's what he wants more than anything. He supposes he should count himself lucky that he practically only goes to three restaurants.

-

When Jaemin opens his phone, he has a billion notifications from the group chat. He doesn't bother reading half of them. Up at the very top, is a text from Donghyuck. It reads: _Let's all meet up tomorrow, our usual place. Mark ur paying. _Jaemin wishes he had it in him to say, _How about something else?_ But it's what they do, they go out to restaurants, and eat. So Jaemin types back, _Yeah let's do it! :D_ and prepares himself for tomorrow.

-

He orders the spaghetti marinara, because he knows what’s in a basic marinara sauce and he knows what a cup of spaghetti looks like, so he knows how much is safe.

-

At some point, the topic turns to dieting and exercising. Somehow, and Jaemin's too much a coward to try and change it.

"Jaemin," Renjun says, squeezing his arm. "You're so skinny. What's your secret?"

Jaemin swallows. "I'm not that skinny," he says, because it's the truth and he believes it. He's seen himself in the mirror. He knows exactly how wide his thighs are, how much fat is in his calves, how much his stomach protrudes. Down to the millimeter he knows.

Renjun laughs, but it sounds forced. Jaemin ignores the way that everyone is looking at each, like they're in one some _secret_ that Jaemin isn't privy to. "What do you mean? You're so skinny."

"You're literally skinnier than me," Jaemin bites out.

"I'm, not though?" Renjun tilts his head, and suddenly Jaemin can feel his gaze on him. Scanning his body, examining every angle of his joints and limbs. Suddenly he can feel _everyone's_ eyes on him, and it's too much too much why is everyone _looking_ at him like that please—

"I—I've got to go the bathroom," he stammers. Jaemin stands. Everyone’s eyes are still on him, he can feel it. His skin crawls. He wishes they would stop looking at him like that, like he’s something small and pitiful.

-

Jaemin's always been a shit purger. He never sure what feels worse: not being able to purge or wanting to purge. There's the little voice inside his head, telling him that this is probably a sign, of something, but he ignores it like always. So he just sits on the toilet seat lid, his feet propped underneath him. The bathroom is dirty and dingy, containing a single fluorescent light bulb hanging from the ceiling by one wire.

The harsh lighting does nothing to make his face look any better. He rubs his hands over his face, over and over until his skin starts turning a slight pink. God, he hates his face sometimes. It's weird, and asymmetrical. His mother would probably tell him that everyone is a bit like that, and it's only every noticeable to him. But to Jaemin, it's as noticeable as having bright blue hair.

-

The food is there when Jaemin gets back. everyone is eating silently, and nobody looks at Jaemin when he sits back down. He’s part grateful, part ashamed.

They eat in silence. no one makes a move to bring up what happened earlier, so Jaemin doesn’t either.

-

That night while he goes over his day and counting, he writes down a neat 400 in his journal. Just to be safe.

That's the thing about Jaemin. He's always careful. Always safe. Jaemin's always been cautious. Cautious about what he wears, cautious about his health, cautious about the food he eats, cautious about the scale, cautious. That’s all it is, caution. There’s really nothing to worry about.

-

He looks the same every day, and he hates that. It makes no sense. But when he looks in the mirror, he looks the same as always. The same legs, the same stomach, the same face and cheeks. It never changes, it seems. No matter how much he loses, how much he works out, how much he eats or doesn't eat. In the end, does it even matter? If nothing changes.

-

Jaemin wishes he could change. Change himself. But change is hard. Harder than a thought, and certainly harder than a wish. Habits settle in, and once is never enough. _If only,_ he thinks. If only my body would change. Maybe then I would be happy. Sometimes he thinks of taking scissors to his flesh, and slicing off all that fat on his legs. But he hates pain and blood, and the thought is more than enough to make him nauseous. Maybe that makes him a coward.

-

The next day he dyes his hair. Pink. Bright, cheery. Happy. And all his friends compliment him on the new color, say it looks great at him, but all Jaemin can think about is the window across from him, and the reflection of his body.

-

Sometimes he catches himself staring. Staring at his friends, staring at strangers, at himself walking by in any reflective surface. He'll find himself looking at the man across him, admiring his ankles. Wishing his were small and thin like his. Or he'll see Renjun on campus and suddenly all he can think about is how slim his thighs are, and how he wished desperately that he could look more like him. _Look at him_, he'd sneer. _Look at how small he is._ _If only_, he'd think. If only I looked like Renjun, like Chenle, like Jisung, like anybody else. _Then I'd be happy._

Jaemin hates himself more for those thoughts. They're disgusting, to use or even think about his friends like that, but he can't think the automatic thought that rises when Renjun stands, or when Chenle reaches across the table, and all Jaemin and think is _slim_.

Most often, he stares at himself in a reflection. Renjun would tease him and call him self-centered, narcissistic. _Don't look the mirror so often, Jaemin_, he'd say. _It'll get to your big head._ And Jaemin would laugh good naturedly, and ask him right back _Well then why do you do it so often?_ It makes him wonder if the thoughts and urges he has, are shared by some of his friends.  
He hopes not.

-

Some days he can't even motivate himself to do the things he needs to do. He skips classes, and watches as his grades drop. He feels disappointed, and _angry_ with himself. He wants to be better, but he doesn't know how. And his fear of failure and rejection is stronger than his will to improve. Everyday drags on and on and on and on and the days feel relentless. It never seems to stop. There's always _things_ to be done, and Jaemin simply doesn't have the energy anymore for any of them. He's just so _tired._ But yet at night, all he can do is lie in bed and think.

Tomorrow will be a better day, Jaemin tells himself as he lies awake in bed. _Tomorrow_, he thinks, rolling over. Tomorrow.

It’s always tomorrow. Tomorrow he’ll finish up the project. Tomorrow he’ll stop procrastinating. Tomorrow he’ll do this, tomorrow he’ll do that. Tomorrow he’ll do better. Except, tomorrow never seems to come. Sometimes Jaemin wonders if he's waiting eternally for something that will never come. And if he's waiting for something that won't come, then what's the point?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plotty plot comes in

He doesn’t want their pity. He doesn’t want them to look at him, and think they need to help him. He's afraid they would try and help him not because he’s their friend or because they’re worried, but because he’s something sick and twisted that _they_ have to sort out. Like it’s their duty, and Jaemin is just some stupid boy who got the wrong images inside his mind.

But the suspicion is the worst of it. He sees theirs glances. Their stares. Can practically hear them thinking, _has Jaemin eaten?_ Is he eating enough, does Jaemin weigh himself in the bathroom in the morning? Is that why he takes so long? Does Jaemin weigh too little? Is that why he's been eating healthier? _Is Jaemin lying right now?_

Sometimes he wonders if they actually care, beyond the suspicion and the pity and the never-ending questioning gazes. Care is different than that. Care is different.

-

Sometimes he wonders if _he_ can't tell the difference between care, suspicion, and genuine worry, or if there really was any difference in the first place. If it's all just his mind making up twisted reasons and applying them to his friends. It confuses Jaemin to no end. His mind makes no sense sometimes, and Jaemin hates that most of all. Couldn't it at least make sense? Feelings were confusing, and more often than not messy.

-

And when he truly worries about himself, worries about the bags under his eyes, and the gauntness of his face, he opens his computer. He's careful, he always is. Really, he doesn't know why. If there's nothing wrong with him, then why should he have to hide it? But he does anyways. Just in case. Jaemin opens an incognito window, and types in the oh so familiar words in the search bar. First result, as always. It's become a ritual now. The googling, the screening... But above all, always. Always, the reassurance at the end.

He can hear his heart pounding in his ears. The flat is empty, except for him. Jaemin wouldn't have it any other way. Not with what he's doing right now. He's not quite sure why he's so nervous. He knows these questions, almost completely by memory. He knows his answers. They haven't changed, not for a while.

He scores below. He lets out a sigh and smooths his hair down. See, there's really nothing wrong. After all, at the end of the day, Jaemin is nothing more than someone who is unlikely to be at risk for an eating disorder.

-

They want to meet up again, but Jaemin's getting sick of spaghetti. _Courage_, Jaemin tells himself. And types out: _How about somewhere else? ^^_

The rest of the group readily agrees, to Jaemin's relief. He's about to suggest going bowling when Renjun bests him to it: _great idea! there's this new restaurant i've been wanting to try_

It's a restaurant which he doesn't know very well, which Jaemin doesn't like. But he loves his friends. And wants to go, so he agreed.

"Jaemin," Renjun says, snapping Jaemin's attention back on the group. "Do you want to share this?" Renjun shows him the menu, pointing to a dish Jaemin doesn't know.

_Say no_, he begs himself. But he can't stop himself, before nodding and agreeing. The panic that onsets almost outweighs the joy at seeing Renjun smile. Almost. He's sure that his friends can _see_. Can see the way his smile twitches, the way his breathing picks up. God, he hates this more than everything else.

But yet he can’t stop his hands shaking as he sneaks out his phone under the table and googles the calories for the dish Renjun wants to share. His heart pounds. Jaemin’s half afraid it’ll beat out of his chest, half afraid of Chenle, sitting beside him. He feels him shift next to him, and hurriedly closes the tab before he can see.

“What’re you doing?” Chenle asks, perching his head on Jaemin's shoulder.

He shrugs. "Nothing," he says. He ruffles Chenle's hair, ignoring the other's squawks, and the erratic thrum of his heart inside his ribcage.

-

Afterwards, they all go back to Donghyuck's house.

"Let's play truth or truth," Donghyuck says gleefully. "I want something _interesting._ Nothing boring from you all." Donghyuck points an accusing finger at Jeno, who throws up his hands in exasperation. Jaemin remembers fondly the last time they played. Chenle had asked if Jeno was in love with anybody, and Jeno had said his cats.

"If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?" Donghyuck asks. Jaemin freezes. _My body_, is the first thing that comes to mind. Fortunately, Jaemin has enough common sense not to say this and instead spits out the second thing that comes to mind.

"My face," he says. Nobody says anything. He can even hear Jisung stop munching on chips. He hears a soft _Oh_ from his right, but he doesn't dare look to see their reaction. It's so _silent_. But then again, he wasn't quite sure what he was expecting, really. But somehow, he feels disappointed.

"Damn," Donghyuck whistles. "Mine's not as, erm, deep as yours but I would give myself more talent."  
"You're plenty talented already," Jaemin says, and Donghyuck laughs uneasily.

"Thanks," he says, and there's a moment of silence where Jaemin thinks Donghyuck is going to say something _more_—but instead he claps his hands loudly and pronounces: "Now, Renjun!" And the group moves on, the tension mostly releasing from the air. Beside him, Jeno shifts closer so that they're practically on top of each other.

"You okay?" Jeno asks softly, because he's sweet like that.

"Yeah," Jaemin whispers back, and wonders why he couldn't have just said something normal.

-

Later that night, they're all drowsy and lying on the living room floor like a bunch of fools.

"We're graduating," Donghyuck says, soft. "I can't believe it."

"Neither can I," says Jeno. "Feels surreal."

"Well, it's real," Renjun snorts. "Besides, it's not like much is going to change." Jaemin almost laughs. That's a lie. Everything's going to change. They're _leaving_ him. Donghyuck was going to the same college as Mark, just one town over, but Renjun and Jeno were going farther. It would be a four-hour flight to see them. And Jaemin, boring, old, Jaemin, was staying behind, in the same old town, with the same old people. He at least has Chenle and Jisung still. Or at least, for another year, before they inevitably grow up and go off to leave him too.

"Yeah," Jeno says, rolling his eyes. "I still gotta see _your_ ugly face." He shoves Renjun lightly, who returns the blow twice as strong.

"I'm gonna miss you guys," Chenle butts in. "You'll come back to visit, right?" A chorus of "of course" and "yes" echo around the room. Jaemin hopes it's true.

-

At graduation, Chenle cries. So does Jaemin, quietly, and softly enough that he hopes nobody hears or notices. Not that they do; they're all too busy crowding around Chenle, reassuring him that they'll keep in touch with him and visit during breaks.

"Let's all throw our caps into the air!" Donghyuck drags Jaemin back into the group by the arm and practically throws him into Jeno. "Take a photo, Mark!" And on the count of three, they all throw they caps into the air and shout.

To Jaemin, it feels like a mourning cry than one of joy.

-

After school let out, it becomes harder to meet up. Schedules aren't so synchronized now, and people go away at various different times to various different places. This, Jaemin understands. He gets that it's summer, and gets that they go away and he _gets that_. He really does.

What he doesn't get is this: he sees their Instagrams. He sees their posts, of when they're at the beach, when they're skiing, when they post goodnight selfies or good morning ones. Most of all, he sees the photos they take when they meet up without him. The cheesy group photos, with half of them holding up a peace sign, and wide grins and lopsided frame. He sees the "artsy" photos they take for each other, the blackmail pictures, and the group selfies, and all he can think about is how _he_ wasn't there.

Sometimes he stares at those in the dark, surrounded by the warmth of his fuzzy blankets and the total pitch black of his room. He wonders, _why didn't they invite me?_ It was a simple movie outing. They all grabbed dinner and went to see one of the latest blockbusters. Jaemin had wanted to see it as well. _So why didn't they invite him?_ They probably didn't want him there. If they did, they would've at least told him they were going. His eyes sting, and his nose burns.

Jaemin wonders if they talk about him behind his back. Talk about his habits, the way he stutters when they talk about anything related to eating or weight or habits or such. He wonders if there's a group chat of them without him. He wonders if they laugh at him. _Stupid Jaemin, _they'd sneer. _Can't even get it together to get out of bed, so what's the point of asking him? What's wrong with him?_

Jaemin doesn't even know the answer himself.

-

Summer is hot. And boring. Jaemin is bored out of his mind, and with nobody to talk to. The dorms are practically dead silent. He's really not sure if there's anyone else besides him and the occasional staff or guard here. He hasn't seen anyone besides himself in days. Save for the time he bought a few groceries.

His own boredom frustrates him. All year Jaemin wishes for a break, but once he gets it he can't think of a single thing to do. It seems he only has ideas for what he wants to do when he can't do them, but when he can suddenly his desire to do them disappears.

Currently he's lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, counting all the cracks and bumps and stains. But on top of the boredom, he just misses his friends, most of all. He misses Jeno and Renjun coming over to play games, or even just to talk. He misses being taught Chinese by Chenle, and occasionally Renjun. He even misses Donghyuck's playful teasing, and Jisung, his baby bird.

-

Jaemin comes up with a plan.

_Let's meet up, before you all move off_, he sends. It's pretty much instantly read.

_Yeah we should! :D_ from Donghyuck. Chenle and Jisung readily agree, probably feeling something akin to Jaemin right now. Bored, hot, and lonely.

They end up planning something for the coming Tuesday. Currently Donghyuck is a town over with Mark, but he said he can get a train back. Renjun and Jeno will drive in together, as they both live slightly out of town. Jisung actually lives closest to Jaemin, only a few streets away. And Chenle, well, Chenle practically lives in Jisung's house, but he's also close by. Jaemin can't wait. Just a week, and he'll finally see his _friends_ again.

Jaemin's ashamed to say he structured his whole week around the coming Tuesday. He completely cleared the day for that day, just in case they wanted to meet earlier or go on later. Come Monday, he was inordinately excited. It's been at least two months since he saw his friends, and he was practically quivering from being able to see them. _Tomorrow_. He can't believe it.

And then Jaemin's phone buzzes.

_hey_

It's from Donghyuck. Jaemin can see that he's still typing something else.

_sorry but i can't make it tomorrow :( i scheduled the wrong train. i hope you all have fun tho_

And then, from Renjun: _Ah, should we just cancel then? It's kinda hard for me and Jeno to get in town_.

Jaemin understands that. He understands that Renjun and Jeno live about an hour away from where Chenle, Jisung, and Jaemin are concentrated (Donghyuck, having since moved in with Mark a town over after graduation). What he doesn't get is why Renjun and Jeno would make the effort if Donghyuck is coming, but wouldn't just for Jaemin, Chenle, or Jisung. He supposes he's not enough. Not enough to make them want to come on their own. Anyways, why would he be? He's just boring, old, Jaemin. Donghyuck's _fun_. And lively, and makes people smile. Jaemin sometimes says things that makes them frown, and generally gives off "bad vibes," as told by a high girl once during a park walk.

_It's okay_, Jaemin types slowly. _Too bad we couldn't make it work_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i put jaemin through more shit
> 
> (im sorry jaemin)

Jaemin doesn't see them before they move away. Donghyuck holds a group facetime, and Jaemin hides his face during the duration of the call. Even at the sound of their voices, he's tearing up. It's probably not normal and healthy, but Jaemin could care less. A raspy voice is easily hidden by claiming connection issues, and it's easier to hide tears when you're looking through a computer screen.

He's gonna miss his fucking friends. He practically grew up with them always at his side. It's a big change. To have certain people always around you, supporting you, and then suddenly they won't be there. At some point, they might become a crutch. A crutch on which Jaemin relied completely on, and now that it's taken away he has lost the ability to walk on his own, his legs too weak from disuse to be properly used.

Sure, Chenle and Jisung would be around still, but Jaemin doesn't have any disillusions of seeing them often. The high school they attend is on the other side of town than where Jaemin will be attending college. And between their busy schedules and Jaemin's, he expects nothing.

The call ends with a blip, each person leaving the call one by one, until Jaemin is just left in his empty room, and the brightness of the computer screen glaring before him. And that's that.

-

Funnily enough, Jaemin had _wanted_ to stay. The college he applied to was his choice, and he chose to go there, rather than traveling away. He could've followed Renjun and Jeno. He got into the same college they are going to. But he didn't. Because the college here was the one he wanted, it had the photography program he liked the best.

And Jaemin loved his hometown. He loved the people, the restaurants, it had a sense of _home_ to Jaemin. But now all he could see were bittersweet memories. Places he went with his friends, things he had done, good memories, and bad alike. The town was full of them. The past, it seems, is inescapable and yet totally unreachable.

Jaemin wonders if _home_ was with them, and not here.

-

College could be the chance he always wanted. To start over with a fresh slate, and boundless opportunities ahead. Somehow it feels more like he's standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down on dark waters ready to swallow him whole. It is the vast, empty, sea of his mind and the future ahead. A constant reminder that one cannot live in the past.

-

It's been so long since he branched out. He got _comfortable_. Comfortable in his routine, comfortable in his social circle, comfortable at school. He always relied on his friends to introduce him to other people, never feeling confident enough to make the effort himself.

He feels like a newborn, unsure of how or where to place their feet.

-

The cafeteria is crowded, and full of people sitting at tables with people that they already know, and Jaemin has never felt more out of place. Everyone seems to have already found their niche, with Jaemin having no room to fit in anywhere. All the tables are full, some having pulled up extra chairs to accommodate larger groups. Jaemin swallows as he walks past table by table full of chattering people. People he doesn't know. People that don't look particularly interested in offering a seat to Jaemin.

Jaemin bites his lip and settles for one of the empty tables at the far back. His tray clatters as he places it on the table, but nobody hears over the din of the cafeteria.

-

Orientation week is exhausting. Jaemin feels like he makes little to no progress in finding friends. He chats with a few people, but in the end, they always leave him and go off with their friend group. Jaemin's always the extra added on. He feels like he's floating between different friend groups, with nowhere to truly stick himself. College has barely even started, but it feels like everybody already knows each other, and Jaemin is just an outsider looking in.

Jaemin just wants a friend group. His _people_. The Dream team, as they liked to call themselves, they were _his_ people. He went everywhere with them, ate lunch with them, walked to classes with them. Now it's just Jaemin. Jaemin, with nobody. Jaemin doesn't walk to class with anybody and he sits alone at meals.

-

Jaemin always sits in the back of the cafeteria. It's easier to hide. He looks less like a loser sitting alone. It's slightly quieter, and this way Jaemin can mostly escape the feeling of shame of not having anybody to talk to. It's his fault he got so dependent on his friends. Why couldn't he just socialize and make friends like a normal person?

He always eats as fast as he can, so he can leave before he starts to feel his skin begin to crawl. He always feels like people are watching him, whispering behind his back _God what a loser. He doesn't even have any friends_. 

Jaemin shoves a few more bites in, and then covers the half he didn't eat with a napkin before tossing it. He speed walks to the exit, ignoring the feeling of being watched.

-

At some point, Jaemin's roommate arrives. His room was a double, and he logically knew that he wouldn't get it to himself forever, but being alone was nice, in both a positive and a negative way.

"Hi," the man says, grinning too widely for Jaemin's taste. All his teeth were bared in an disconcerting manner that made it seem more like a snarl than a friendly smile. "I'm Jinwoo," he says, sticking out a hand.

"Hi." Jaemin shakes his head. "Jaemin."

-

Jinwoo seems to make it a point of sticking himself to Jaemin's side. Jaemin supposes he should be grateful. It's like a "built in friend," one who will never leave you. Not in the way Jaemin would like though, he mused. At least he has someone to sit with at lunch now, even if it's Jinwoo.

See, the thing about Jinwoo, is that he seems incredibly friendly on the surface, but Jaemin has a bad feeling about him. Jinwoo gives off this aura as if once he gets a sniff of dirt on Jaemin he'd turn his back in an instant. Jaemin doesn't trust him. Not at all.

But he's the only person Jaemin's got, so it's not like he has a choice.

-

"Jaemin," Jinwoo says, settling down beside him. "This is Eunsae." Jaemin looks up to see a girl standing beside him. She waves enthusiastically.

"Hey," she says, sitting. "Jinwoo's told me all about you."

"Really?" Jaemin drones. He wonders if it's good things.

"Yep," she says, popping her 'p' with a little too much force. Her grin is shark like, all teeth and no warmth. It reminds him very much of Jinwoo. The two deserve each other very much, he thinks.

-

“How do you eat so much?” Eunsae says, gesturing to his tray. Jaemin had gotten a sandwich and some fries, since he’d eaten a lighter breakfast that morning he’d thought it would be okay.

Jaemin chews a fry slowly. “I don’t think I eat that much,” he says.

Eunsae laughs. “Yeah you do,” she says. “Like whenever I see you, you’re always eating.” Jaemin frowns and tries to think back on the past days.

The onset of panic from not remembering or knowing is instant. Jaemin has no idea how much he weighs, and if he gained or not. It'd be impossible for him to tell just via checking in the mirror, as whenever he sees himself, he's always certain that he's gained. _I need a scale_, he thinks. Scales are hard facts and numbers, and those are the things Jaemin can deal with.

-

"Hi," Jaemin says. "Do you sell scales here?"

"A scale?" The worker eyes him. "Like to weigh yourself?"

Jaemin nods. "Y-yes," he says, voice shaking. The worker motions for him to follow her.

"This is the only one we have." It's a little bigger than Jaemin would've wanted it to be, but he's desperate and needs it _now_. He doesn't want to have to go to another store. He can't.

"Thanks," he says, picking it up.

Jaemin ends up buying the scale with cash. Just in case.

-

Now there’s the issue of his roommate, Jinwoo, who is unfortunately nosy. Just like Eunsae. The two are remarkably similar, always poking and prodding at Jaemin like he’s some bizarre creature under a microscope for them to examine. If Jaemin weighed himself in front of Jinwoo, there’d definitely be questions. And Jinwoo would definitely tell Eunsae, who’d probably gossip about it in her “girl circle,” and then it’d spread like wildfire throughout the school. Next he’d know, Jaemin would be the weirdo everybody whispers about in the hallway.

There are a few facts that are a savior though. Jinwoo is a heavy sleeper, and Jaemin mostly always wakes up before him. Therefore, Jaemin can go weigh himself in the bathroom before Jinwoo wakes up. And nobody would be any the wiser.

That night, Jaemin carefully slides the bag and the scale underneath his bed. Jaemin winces. The bag is very loud as it moves, but it’ll have to do.

-

For lunch that day, Jaemin grabbed a yogurt and a smoothie. Both combined were relatively low cal, and Jaemin wanted to save some calories for dinner time. It always made him feel better, knowing that he had some extra room to get what he wanted for a meal.

“You’re not gonna eat more?” Jinwoo pokes Jaemin's side, making him jump.

“Are you not hungry?” Eunsae asks, staring at Jaemin. He shifts uncomfortably. He wishes she would stop asking him about these things. It makes him all jittery and shaky whenever people comment or ask.

“No,” he mumbles. “Not really.”

-

Jaemin should be happy. He got into his college of choice, he's majoring in photography, something that he loves to do, and

But all he can see is what he's lacking. The empty spots and chairs next to him, the missing people he's used to seeing. Everything is different, and Jaemin hates it.

-

"Miyun? She's so skinny." Eunsae makes a vague hand gesture. "I think she has some kind of..."

"Is she okay?" Jinwoo asks. Jaemin can't tell if he's actually concerned or if it's just for pretense.

Eunsae shrugs like she could care less. "She literally doesn't eat. All she eats are smoothies," Eunsae says. Jaemin remembers her. She's skinny. _Why is she better at this than me?_ Jaemin wonders. _Stupid_, Jaemin thinks. _You can't even do this right._ He stares down at his plate full of food, and suddenly has the urge to leave. But he can't, so he shoves a last bite into his mouth.

-

Mr. Moon is the head of the photography department, and he's Jaemin's favorite teacher. He's always kind, and never criticizes somebody's work mercilessly. It makes Jaemin feel safe with his work there.

-

"And remember," Mr. Moon yells, some people are already out the door. "The photography competition ends this week, so submit your pictures if you haven't already. Remember, the theme is 'nostalgia.' Anything goes, just don't steal anyone else's photos."

_Nostalgia_, Jaemin thinks. He could work with that.

-

Jaemin goes by the bench in the park. The bench, as in the one he and his friends, the Dream team, used to sit on together. They've taken lots of photos there together. Jaemin usually isn't one for putting himself in the photos, but just this once should be okay.

Later that night he edits some several 'ghost' versions of his friends onto the bench beside him, overlapping them on top of each other and then smoothing it out. This gives it a blurred effect, making it look as if they were in motion.

The end result depicts Jaemin sitting on the bench, staring straight at the camera. To his left and right are slightly transparent versions of his friends. Jaemin is effectively alone on the park bench, surrounded by wisps of memories of his friends.

Jaemin copies this method for other photos at various other places, such as at a restaurant they frequented and at a playground.

-

Jaemin catches Mr. Moon after class. "Can you take a look at my photos?" Jaemin asks, fumbling with the clasp on his bag. He finally is able to open it, and his hands shake slightly as he passes the photos over to Mr. Moon. "And tell me if you think it's worth entering the competition."

"Of course." Mr. Moon smiles and takes them. Jaemin fiddles with the hem of his sweater while Mr. Moon looks through them. He's always nervous about showing anyone his photography. It feels like exposing a part of himself, even though he isn't in what's depicted.

"Jaemin these are incredible," he says, flipping through them gently.

Jaemin flushes. "Thank you," he mumbles. He rubs his neck. Mr. Moon's words have more of an effect on Jaemin than he wanted. Even the slight praise is making him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"You should definitely enter." Mr. Moon smiles at him. "Honestly, if you want my opinion?" Mr. Moon leans over and fake whispers, "I think you'll do very well in the competition. Well enough to place."

"Really?" Jaemin whispers back. He stares at his photos.

-

The day results for the competition were just announced, Jaemin runs to the arts building to check the board. He quickly scans the paper. First place, second place, third place, artistry prize, honorable mentions....

His name isn't on it. His heart sinks. _Failure_, he sneers. _You let Mr. Moon_ _down_. Jaemin bites his lips, still standing in front of the results sheet. Everyone seemed to think he'd do well. Even himself for once, he was pretty happy with the shots he submitted, but he didn't even place. No prize, no honorable mention, nothing. His name simply isn't on the results sheet. It seems, that Jaemin isn't anybody worth mentioning at all.

-

Jaemin is disappointed with himself. It feels like his heart has shriveled up in his chest and refuses to unfurl. It's just a stupid school competition, in real life it means nothing, but it felt important somehow to Jaemin. Like he could've proved something to himself, but he didn't. He failed. Tomorrow he has two papers due, and yet here Jaemin is, sitting at his desk on his laptop not writing. Disappointment with himself always kills his motivation.

His fear of failure, fear of _trying_ and then failing, has come to life. Jaemin _really tried_ for that competition. His mom always said that if he tried, he could do amazing things. But he tried, and he failed. And failing after trying is always worse than failing from not trying at all. Because if you try and fail, that means you simply aren't good enough, and there's not much you can do to change that. But if you don't try at all, you'll never know. And maybe that's okay with Jaemin.

-

In the end, Jaemin stays up all night to write his papers. It's shit, but he at least has something to turn in.

He drifts through his classes, his mind half on the competition still, half asleep. He feels like he's slipping, like he's trying to climb a too smooth wall with bare hands. His head spins sporadically when he stands up too fast. His vision clouds with black spots when he walks. But he ignores it all and pushes on forwards. After all, there's no other direction to go.

-

When Jaemin gets to 'his table,' Eunsae and Jinwoo are already there. Along with several other people Jaemin doesn't know. Meeting new people always makes Jaemin tense. He's never sure how to act around them, so he always comes off as 'shy and painfully awkward,' as he's been told.

"Hi?" Jaemin says.

"Oh hey," Jinwoo says, looking up at him. "You don't mind, do you?" The other people at the table stare at him. None of them make an effort to wave or greet Jaemin. He shifts, feeling uncomfortable already.

"Sure," he says, sitting down. _It's not like I could say no anyways_, he thinks glumly, picking at his food.

-

The conversation continues like Jaemin's arrival was nothing of import. None of the other people introduce themselves to Jaemin, so he makes the assumption they're not really interested in getting to know him or being his friend. Which, is fine, he supposes. He eats his lunch quietly and tunes out their conversation, feeling very much alone at a table full of people.

-

"Jaemin?" Jaemin perks up at the mention of his name. The rest of the people don't really seem to notice that he's started paying attention, so he does his best to pretend like he's still not listening.

"He's weird, isn't he?" One of the people he doesn't know comments.

"What do you mean?" Jinwoo says.

The person snorts. "I heard he like, starves himself or some shit."  
"What a fucking attention seeker," someone else spits. "Bitch, it's not like anybody cares about him anyways.

"He's always eating though," Eunsae says. "And I mean _always_," she drawls, overexaggerating the last word.

"So he's just a pig?" One of the girls on his right says. A few of the guys make snorting sounds, resulting in a bout of giggles from some of the girls.

"You think he's like those white girls who throw up in the bathroom?" Eunsae remarks, like Jaemin's not sitting right beside her. Eunsae makes a fake gagging motion. The table laughs.

Jinwoo shrugs. "I've never seen him do that," he says. "But he does keep a scale underneath his bed." Jaemin tenses. Jinwoo's _been _through his things. It's a total betrayal of trust that Jaemin never had in him. Still, it feels like cold water has been dumped over his head.

Eunsae laughs, cold and mocking. "Really? So he's _also_ a priss then."

"A priss who cares about his appearance," one of the others says.

"I mean, there's not much to look at though," she says, gesturing. "But." She taps a finger to her chin in a mock thoughtful gesture. "He could use to burn off a little of that cheek fat though, right?" She turns to him, and reaches over to pinch at his cheek. The rest of the table booms with loud laughter. Jaemin feels his face burn.

His lip begins to quiver. "Aw, he's going to cry," Eunsae says. and Jaemin _runs_. Runs away from all the leering eyes, runs away from the unfamiliar faces, he runs and runs until his chest is heaving from effort and his eyes burn. He slams into somebody, stumbling only slightly before pushing on forwards.

"Hey," he hears somebody call after him. "Are you—"

Jaemin doesn't bother sticking around to hear the rest of the sentence. He ends up underneath a thick oak tree, his legs giving out beneath him. Only there, does he finally let himself sob. He cries until it feels like he can't breathe anymore. His chest heaves, hyperventilating, gasping for air. His eyes feel red and raw, and Jaemin rubs at them till they burn.

"Hey," someone says. Jaemin startles. It's _Renjun's_ voice. He dares to look up, to be greeted by the sight of, well, Renjun standing in front of him, his hands in his jean pockets. Renjun looks _good_, together, well presented, as always. Not-Renjun's hair has that slight curl that Jaemin always loved. Suddenly Jaemin becomes aware of how much of a _mess_ he is. He self-consciously brushes a hand through his hair, letting it fall back into place. It doesn't help his self-esteem. Not to mention the fact that he's currently hallucinating.

_Fuck_, he thinks. _So now I'm crazy_. "H-hi." He swallows. His throat feels tight, like there's a wire wrapped around it in coils. Not-Renjun smiles kindly, and _god _Jaemin misses him so so so much. There's a kind of warm familiarity to this Not-Renjun, something that Jaemin aches for dearly.

"Jaemin," Not-Renjun says. Even just the sound of his name from Renjun has Jaemin shaking again. He can't do this, not without them.

"Renjun," he chokes out, more tears falling from his eyes. "I can't," he sobs. Not-Renjun watches him. He smiles gently, giving a certain softness to his face that Jaemin wishes he could still be privy to.

"I miss you," Jaemin says, reaching out for something he knows he can't touch. He rubs his eyes, wiping away tears that threaten to spill over.

And then he's alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did u know, if u dont sleep enough u can hallucinate vividly
> 
> twitter: [@floweryongs](https://twitter.com/floweryongs)  
curious cat: [@floweryong](https://curiouscat.me/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're curious about what percentage is my own thoughts, most of jaemin's thinking scenes (eg where it's just his thoughts) are mine, or derived from mine and then expanded upon  
eunsae and jinwoo do not exist in real life, i am lucky i have good friends. eunsae represents the worst of conversations i've had all mashed together. jinwoo is part of that too. 
> 
> also, if you are ever struggling like me and would like somebody to listen or vent to, im here <3

After that, Jaemin doesn't sit with Eunsae or Jinwoo even anymore. It seems they also had the same idea, as they avoid him like the plague. Mostly, everyone does really. When he walks down the hallways, he can see everyone staring at him. Eunsae or Jinwoo, one of the two, must've talked about him, and now everybody whispers about him. He's the social outcast now. More so than he was before. At least before, everybody just ignored him. He was nobody, they didn't bother or care about him. But now, he's the school loser it seems.

Now as he walks down the hallways to his classes, he hears snippets of conversations about him.

_I hear he cries when he sees himself in the mirror_.

_Really? I mean. I would too if I had his face_.

Somehow, Jaemin became the boy who doesn't eat. The boy who worries about his weight. The boy who cares too much about his appearance.

"Narcissistic," he hears someone snigger as he passes by. He carefully maintains a blank face, not to let it show that it bothers him. It does, of course. Every word he overhears about him behind his back stings. But he doesn't know how to stop it.

-

Jaemin doesn't really see Jinwoo in the room, for which he's grateful for. The constant barrage of insults and jibes all day on campus is enough. He's not sure he could deal with more when he got back to the room.

-  
"Hey Jaemin," Eunsae says, her voice sick with false sweetness. Jaemin stops walking. The hallways seems to slow to a crawl, everyone around him stopping to watch. It's worse like that. Worse as now everybody is going to see and know, and worse because no one is going to do anything to help him.

"Eunsae," he says back, tone flat.

Eunsae throws her head back and _laughs_, as if he said something hilarious. "How's the weight loss program going?" Jaemin doesn't reply. "Not so well I see," she continues. He turns and walks away, but not before hearing her last comment.

"What a _freak_," Eunsae says, laughing.

-

Freak. It's not a word Jaemin is unfamiliar with. He was called that before in elementary school, when he admitted to his then best friend that he didn't really like girls.

"Girls?" Jaemin had wrinkled his nose. "They're not _that _interesting."

"What do you mean?" His then-friend turned to him.  
Jaemin had shrugged. "Well, aren't boys cooler?"

"You're such a freak," his then-friend had said, and that was the last of that conversation.

Eunsae and Jinwoo would have a ball with that, he'd bet. Not only is he the freak loser kid who can't even eat properly, he's also _gay_. They'd probably hurl more slurs at him.

-

Now Jaemin spends more time than ever alone in the photography classroom or the dark room. Working with film is one of his favorites. There's something just calming and relaxing about being in the room alone, just him and the photos. It's one of the few times he feels at peace at school.

"Jaemin," Mr. Moon says one day.

"Yes?" Jaemin looks up from the photo he was touching up.

"Are you," Mr. Moon hesitates. "Are you okay? I've overheard some students saying some pretty nasty things."

Jaemin swallows. So the talk has reached even the teachers. He shrugs. "Yeah," he says, unsure of what to really say.

"Just know that you can..." he pauses, before sighing. "You can talk to me whenever you need, okay?" Mr. Moon places a hand on his shoulder. Jaemin looks at him and forces a small smile.

"Ok," he says.

-

That night, when Jaemin gets back to the room Jinwoo is there already. Jaemin jumps when he opens the door to reveal Jinwoo standing there, twisting his hands.

"Hey," Jinwoo says.

"Hi," Jaemin says back.

"Look," Jinwoo says, approaching him, but Jaemin steps back. Jinwoo raises his hands and backs off. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry about Eunsae too. She can be... kind of like that, you know?"

Out of all the things Jaemin expected Jinwoo to say, sorry was not one of them. "I'm—you're sorry?" Jaemin repeats, confused.

"Yeah," Jinwoo says. He stuffs his hands into his pants pockets. "Eunsae is too. She likes you, you know. That's just—just her way of showing affection." Jaemin doesn't reply. He doesn't know _what_ to say. I forgive you? I get it? No, he doesn't quite.

"She doesn't mean all of it. What she says," Jinwoo continues. "Sit with us, tomorrow. At meals."

_It's a bad idea,_ Jaemin's mind says. But Jinwoo did sound genuinely sorry, and Jaemin unfortunately by nature is a forgiving person. "Alright," he concedes.

That night, while he's lying in bed, he wonders if he made the right choice.

-

"Hey," someone says. Jaemin turns. It's one of the upperclassmen, Jaemin doesn't know his name. "Are you okay? I saw you the other day..." He shifts. "You looked upset."

Jaemin flushes. How embarrassing. _He must think you're a fool_. "I'm fine," he says.

"You sure?" They say.

"Yes," Jaemin bites out. It comes out harsher than he meant it, and the other person is quite obviously taken aback slightly.

"Geez," they mumble. "Sorry." And then they speed off, and Jaemin knows it's his fault for being quite so rude. Really, he should be glad Eunsae and Jinwoo want him back. It's not like he's being successful with making any other friends.

-

Sitting with them at lunch is painfully awkward. Eunsae doesn't make any extreme effort to make conversation, so it's basically Jinwoo and Jaemin talking. Or, more like Jinwoo talking and Jaemin barely responding. He wonders if Eunsae really wanted to be friends, or if she just went along with it because Jinwoo made her.

"Did you see Byungho today? I couldn't believe the outfit he was wearing," Jinwoo says, forcing out laughter. Jaemin pretends to smile along with him. "It just makes him look uglier than he already is."

"I mean, I don't think he's that bad looking," Jaemin says, shrugging.

"You're _gay_?" Eunsae says incredulously. It's the first thing she's said to him besides 'hi' today.

"What?" Jaemin snaps his head up. "Why—"

"Geez," Eunsae says brusquely. "I thought you were cool Jaems. Not that you were some fag."

"I'm—"

"Whatever," she says, stabbing her fork into her plate. Jaemin looks towards Jinwoo, who doesn't meet his gaze. The rest of the meal is passed in silence. Eunsae is the first to leave, as she practically stuffs the rest of her food down as fast as she can before storming off.

-

After class, a girl Jaemin doesn't know catches his arm. Though, Jaemin doesn't really know the names of most of his classmates.

"Hey," she says. "I think we're in a few of the same classes. What's your name?"

"Hi," Jaemin says. "I'm Jaemin." The girls face twists.

"Oh _you're_ Na Jaemin?" she says, staring at him with some kind of mixture of disgust and repulsion. And then very obviously, she eyes him head to toe. Examining him, looking at him, _what's wrong with him?_ "I see," she says, before walking off. She rejoins with a group of girls. Jaemin watches as she whispers something to them before pointing in his direction. The group all turns to stare at him. He makes no effort to hide the fact that he is watching them, not that they seem to care at all.

-

At dinner, Eunsae apologizes. She sits down beside Jaemin and all but throws her tray onto the table.

"Sorry for lunch," she spits, sounding more angry than apologetic.

"Yeah?" Jaemin says, half surprised, half scared she's going to yell at him some more.

Eunsae shrugs. "I was just surprised, that's all, okay?" she snaps. "Don't make such a big fucking deal out of it." She glares at Jaemin. He shrinks back into his chair. Eunsae seems to be in a bad mood today.

-

Jaemin still sees Eunsae and Jinwoo hanging out with the people they brought to his table once. They don't bring them to sit with them at meals anymore though. Jaemin wonders if they still talk about him behind his back, if they sneer at his habits and mock his behavior. The hallway talk has mostly slowed down. Jaemin doesn't hear as much anymore. It might be because Eunsae and Jinwoo told their gang to back off. He's half grateful half scared that it means something worse is to come. There's always a calm before the storm.

-

"Jaemin," Eunsae says, her voice a sickly sweet. Jaemin wishes she could just speak to him normally. She's always either putting on that fake sweetness that Jaemin despises or yelling and swearing at him. "Who's your favorite _male_ teacher? I heard you hung out with, with what's his name again?" She snaps her fingers.

"Mr. Moon?" Jaemin says. "Yeah, I spend a lot of time with him."

"Mr. Moon?" Eunsae and Jinwoo exchange a _look_, before Eunsae turns back to face Jaemin with a predatory grin on her face. "Do you like him a lot?" she asks.

"Yeah?" Jaemin says hesitantly. Why wouldn't he? He's his main teacher, and a wonderful photographer. Jaemin admires him a lot, both as a person and a photographer.

"Like, _a lot_ a lot?" she asks.

"Yeah?" Jaemin looks between the two, confused. "I don't get what you're trying to ask."

"Nothing," Eunsae hums. "It's just interesting."  
"Very," Jinwoo says, sounding like he's holding in laughter. Jaemin wonders what could be so funny.

-

It turns out, he doesn't have to wonder for very long.

After class, one of his fellow photography majors corners him. "Is it true?" she says.  
"Is what true?" Jaemin asks, his stomach flooding with dread. He's not sure if he really wants to hear.

"That you sleep with Mr. Moon," the girl says, not bothering to lower her voice at all. A few students passing by give Jaemin disgusted looks.

"What?" Jaemin says. "No. I don't—No, that's gross." He clutches his head. "Why would I do that?"

She giggles, like he said the funniest joke in the world. "Well, you're you know, _gay_ and so is Mr. Moon supposedly. I don't know though," she says. "I mean, Mr. Moon's not bad looking so..." She shrugs.

"No," he says, his voice shaking. "I—I don't." The girl laughs and wiggles her eyebrows.

"Alright," she says, falsely innocent. "If you say so." Jaemin bites his lip hard enough to make it bleed as he watches her go off. By the next day probably, everybody will know. Jaemin glances back to Mr. Moon, who is sitting at his desk.

-

The photography room is no longer safe for Jaemin. Every time he goes back, all he can think about is the girl and the stupid rumor she told him about. Now every time he spends more time there he thinks, _am I getting too close with him_? How much time is too much time to spend with a teacher? Is Mr. Moon really gay? Like me?

It makes Jaemin nervous to the point of nausea. He ends up speeding away from the photography classroom half the time.

-

Jaemin in the bathroom washing his hands, trying to mind his own business when a pretty beefy guy approaches him. Jaemin recognizes him as one of the football players.

"Hey," he says. He slams his hand on the wall beside Jaemin, effectively squaring him off against the wall and sink. Jaemin whirls around to face him, his hands instinctively going back to clutch at the sink edge. "Blow me?" he says. He starts to learn even more forward into Jaemin's space while his other hand reaches to start unzipping his pants.

"W-wait, what?" Jaemin says, cringing. He tries to push the guy further away but he doesn't back off. Jaemin's breathing picks up, and he feels his heart start to pound. The guy is way too close for Jaemin's comfort.

"I'm not, you know but..." he trails off. The hand that was trapping him by the sink moves to rest on Jaemin's hip, and Jaemin feels nothing but disgust. His hand is uncomfortably warm, and large. He can feel the heat of the man's hand through his pants. Jaemin wants nothing more than to push it off him. "I've just been a little tense, you know? Heard you were an easy lad."

Jaemin shudders. "What—why would I do that?" Jaemin shakes his head. He's practically hyperventilating right now. The fact that he's still boxed in by the guy isn't helping at all. He just needs _out_, out of the bathroom and away from this guy.

He shrugs. "Hey look, Eunsae said—"  
"Eunsae," Jaemin intones. His heart sinks. He shouldn't have trusted them again. He should've _known_ better. _Stupid_, he thinks. _Stupid stupid_. You let people in, only for them to let you down again and again. He supposes this is what he gets for being foolish.

"Excuse me," he mutters, and he pushes his way out from the guy. Luckily the guy gives way easily this time and lets him out. Jaemin runs out of the bathroom before the guy can say anything else.

-

Eunsae and Jinwoo are back to ignoring him and spreading rumors about him. Jaemin is back to being the school loser everyone makes fun of. It's like those few days never happened. But now, there's even more and _worse_ rumors making it around this time. Jaemin dreads to think of what would happen if the teachers catch wind of them. Dreads to think of what _Mr. Moon_ would think if he heard them.

Jaemin gulps and keeps his head down as he races through the hallway back to class.

-

"Hey you." It's the person from before that had seen him crying. "I never got your name."  
"Jaemin," he says, and watches for some kind of reaction from him. But there's none. Jaemin is half surprised, half suspicious.

"I'm Jaehyun," he says. "Nice to meet you. What's your major?"

Jaemin's slightly startled that he's still talking to him. After he heard his name _and_ after Jaemin was so rude to him the first time. "Photography," he says carefully.

"Oh cool," Jaehyun says. "I'm—"

Just then, the bell rings, signaling the next class is about to begin. Jaehyun chuckles regretfully. "Sorry," he says. "Gotta dash, catch you later!" Jaemin watches him run off, wondering why he's being so friendly to him, and if there's a catch.

There probably is. Nowadays there's always a catch. Jaemin feels on edge, jumpy, like at every corner he turns there's going to be somebody there to scare him.


	5. Chapter 5

When Jaemin goes to dinner, Jaehyun follows him and plops his tray down beside him. Jaemin eyes him strangely.

"You want to sit with me?" he says. It's meant to warn him off. Eunsae and Jinwoo would probably also set their sights on whoever Jaemin interacts with. Look at what they said about Mr. Moon. Jaemin doesn't want anyone else to get hurt.

"Yeah?" Jaehyun says, confused. He sits down slowly. "Is that an issue?"

Jaemin snorts. "You haven't heard the talk?" he says. It's impossible not to have. At this point, even some of his teachers have looked at him differently now. He wonders if Mr. Moon has heard the rumors. He hopes not.

Jaehyun shifts. "I have," he admits. "But I don't believe it all."

"Well," Jaemin says, poking at his carrots. "You should, because it's mostly true."

"Which parts?" Jaehyun asks. Jaemin stares at him.

"I'm not sleeping with Mr. Moon if that's what you're trying to get at," Jaemin mumbles.

"No!" Jaehyun coughs. "I know, I um—I meant. The other part." He gestures. He wants to know if Jaemin's actually gay, Jaemin assumes.  
"Why do you want to know so bad?" Jaemin counters.

"Well," Jaehyun says. "I am too, so, you know." Jaehyun shrugs, trying to come off as nonchalant, but Jaemin can tell he's tense.

"Oh," Jaemin says, trying to come up with something reassuring to say. "That's—it's fine with me," he says instead.

Jaehyun looks disappointed in his answer, but doesn't press. "What about the other stuff?" he asks.

"The eating?" Jaemin asks, staring at his plate full of food. He shrugs. "It's fine," he says.

Jaehyun's eyes dip down to his plate too. "If it's true," he says slowly. "Then it can't be that okay, can it?" Jaehyun looks at him, with _something_ in his gaze and Jaemin wishes they could just _stop_ talking about it.

"I'm alive, aren't I?" Jaemin says. He shoves the carrot viciously into his mouth.

-

Here’s the thing; people sometimes fall apart without really ever stopping being friends. It happens, with time and distance. You naturally grow closer to the people nearby you (although it appears Jaemin's already failed at that). When you no longer see someone ever day of your life, it becomes harder and harder to reach out. Until at some point, you start to forget to. Life gets busy, and you don’t have the time to sit down and chat anymore.

This is the point where Jaemin, and everybody else in town becomes a second thought. He becomes _Oh yeah, Jaemin_. But if you asked them, they wouldn’t say Jaemin isn’t their friend anymore. It wasn’t a huge dramatic argument they ever had, like in those cheesy high school dramas. It just, happened.

Jaemin still thinks of his friends. He just doesn't know if they still think of him.

-

“Do you like to work out?” Jaehyun asks. “Like go to the gym?”

_Not really_, Jaemin thinks. He’s afraid of gaining muscle weight. What an irrational fear to have. But a number on the scale is a number, and Jaemin fears it nonetheless.

So he shakes his head. “Not really,” he says.

“How come?” Jaehyun asks. And Jaemin knows he’s just trying to be polite and make conversation about something that he himself probably enjoys, but it just makes Jaemin feel worse. Why _doesn’t_ he go to the gym? He could burn off more calories that way. But no, Jaemin's just a lazy fuck who sits on his ass rather than doing anything good or productive.

“I'm not very—very good at it so it’s kind of embarrassing to go,” he says instead, chuckling awkwardly. "I don't have such good stamina."

“I see,” Jaehyun says. And then his gaze drops to Jaemin's plate. Jaemin knows what he got isn’t very healthy, but he has a weakness for certain unhealthy foods and today he caved. He can see Jaehyun _judging_ it. Jaemin wonders if he too thinks Jaemin's a pig. Jaemin, nonetheless, stuffs a few more fries into his face, feeling self-conscious all the while.

Jaehyun had gotten something healthy. An orange and some sushi. Why couldn’t Jaemin just be like Jaehyun? Normal, healthy, fit. Jaehyun is very obviously somebody who goes to the gym. His arms are nicely toned, and Jaemin's willing to bet good money he has a set of abs as well. So unlike Jaemin, who has neither and is more comparable to slab of fat.

The next day Jaemin gets a yogurt with 110 calories and a banana for lunch. Jaehyun doesn’t comment on it.

-

Jaemin's not really sure he could quantify Jaehyun as a "friend." Sure, they sit together at meals sometimes, but they don't really talk. Jaemin's not the best at making conversation and he has a sneaking suspicion that Jaehyun isn't either. Jaemin can barely list five facts about the man.

Nonetheless, he's grateful for the company, even if conversation is minimal. It makes him feel less alone.

-

Life passes by in a very much _boring_ fashion. Jaemin finds himself less and less interested in what he's here for; photography. It worries him. Jaemin used to love nothing more than to be able to go outside and take photos, but now he can barely motivate himself to leave his dorm room. He spends all his time online, doing nothing in particular. On bad days, he can't even motivate himself to do his daily assignments. On good days, he might drag himself outside to take a few photos before feeling exhausted and heading back in.

Jaemin misses his passion. He misses the old him, who used to get excited and had a great love for life. This Jaemin is tired. So, so, tired. Sleep doesn't help, no matter how much or how little he gets. No amount of taking breaks seems to help either. Jaemin is still as tired as ever, before and after. Nothing seems to change it. And Jaemin is tired of being tired. He just wants a _break_. He wants his old self back, the one who had energy for things and had friends to go out with. He doesn't know where that Jaemin went.

-

His grades started slipping a long, long time ago. But now, just now, while he's sitting on one of the stools in the photography classroom, faced with Mr. Moon's disappointed face is he realizing the consequences.

"Jaemin," Mr. Moon sighs, taking off his spectacles. "You're such an amazing photographer, and a brilliant student." Jaemin swallows. He knows what's coming. "What I don't understand, is why you're letting it go to waste?" Mr. Moon looks at Jaemin, all sympathy and kindness and round edges. Mr. Moon would never say it to hurt Jaemin. He wants to help Jaemin. But all Jaemin can feel is an overwhelming sense of _guilt_. Guilt for letting down Mr. Moon and all the other teachers who so desperately believed in Jaemin's potential and ability. Guilt at himself, for not having the courage to try harder. Because if you don't try, you can't fail, right?

Guilt for letting everybody get to him. Guilt for being so goddamned sensitive to everything.

"Jaemin?" Mr. Moon says. "Are you okay?" Jaemin jerks.

"Yes," he says, voice cracking. "I'm fine," he says. "Is that all?"

Mr. Moon heaves a sigh. He looks so sad, sad for Jaemin. Probably because Jaemin is trying to push him away when he wants to help. But Jaemin can't let him back in anymore, not after what Jinwoo and Eunsae spread. He doesn't want Mr. Moon to get hurt. God forbid if the rumors spread to the head faculty.

"Yes, Jaemin," Mr. Moon says. "That's all."

Jaemin ignores the stutter in his heart and the ball stuck in his throat as he walks out the door.

-

Jaemin's phone buzzes the next day during dinner.

It’s a text. From Jeno. Jaemin almost frowns, caught by surprise. He’s meant to reach out to all the others several times, but he never quite found the right words. Or maybe it was courage he needed. Not that it matters now, staring at Jeno's text.

_jaemin~~ it’s been too long. let’s ft! renjun’ll be here too. _

_Ok_, Jaemin replies.

He wonders if they’ve kept up with Mark and Donghyuck and Chenle and Jisung more. If _he’s_ the issue here. Maybe it’s Jaemin's who’s the bad friend.

"Who's that" Jaehyun says, leaning over to see. Jaemin leans away from him. He hates it when people look over his shoulder.

"A friend," he says. Jaehyun makes a face of surprise, like _Oh, I didn't know you had other friends_.

"Oh, nice," Jaehyun says. "Where are they now?" he asks. It must be very apparent that if they were _here_, here in town that Jaemin would be with them and not Jaehyun. Or alone. He would have _his_ people.

"Halston," Jaemin answers, tucking away his phone.

"That's far," Jaehyun says. Jaemin nods.

-

They facetime that night. The Wifi on campus barely works, and the connection stutters every two seconds but Jaemin can see Renjun and Jeno's faces. It's a sight he's sorely missed. There's something comforting about their mere appearances, or presence. It spreads a feeling of warmth throughout Jaemin.

"Jaemin!" They both yell simultaneously. Renjun waves. Jaemin waves back.

"Hey," Jaemin says, already feeling the starting of a smile growing on his face.

"How's it been for you?" Jeno asks.

Jaemin hesitates. _Horrible,_ he could say._ Everybody hates me and I have one (1) friend. _If you could even count Jaehyun as a friend. Jaemin doesn't see him during the day except briefly in the hallways or at meals. At least he has somebody to sit with though.

But Jeno and Renjun look so _happy_, and Jaemin doesn't want to burden them with problems that they can't do anything about. Not when the issue lies within Jaemin.

"It's fine," Jaemin answers, not choosing to elaborate. Renjun glances towards Jeno, and they seem to have some sort of telepathic conversation. _Without_ him. Which stings, because he used to be in it with them. But now it seems, they've grown closer without him. Distance does that, Jaemin supposes. "How about you guys?" he asks in turn.

Renjun grins. "It's fantastic," he says, sounding so _so_ insanely happy. Jaemin smiles. He's so happy for them. He doesn't even need to hear any more, even though Renjun does go on to describe the friends they've made and funny stories that have happened. There's so much pure joy and elation saturated in those two words Renjun said. Jaemin wishes he could be there, with them.

He could've, if he hadn't chosen the photography program over his friends.

"—and then Jeno slipped and dropped the _whole_ thing all over himself," Renjun giggles. Jeno rolls his eyes fondly.

"It wasn't that bad," he grumbles, pretending to be unhappy.

"It was," Renjun says pointedly. "You were wearing an all-white outfit. And you had to ask me how to get the stains out. Trust me, I remember." Jaemin bursts out laughing at the image of poor Jeno wearing all white, absolutely drenched in marinara sauce.

"Why did you even need a tub of marinara sauce?" he says in between laughs.

"I had a mighty need, Jaemin," Jeno says, pouting.

Jaemin coos. "Cute," he says.

Renjun reaches over and pinches Jeno's cheek. Jeno swats him away. "I know, isn't he?" Renjun says, turning back to face the camera, eye's sparkling.

"Anymore great stories?" Jaemin asks, waggling his eyebrows. Renjun laughs, and opens his mouth to answer when Jeno beats him to it.

"Actually," Jeno says, looking towards Renjun, who nods. Jaemin glances between the two of them, not quite following. "We have something to tell you."

"We're together," Jeno says finally, grinning, as if he couldn't wait to tell Jaemin. _Together_, Jaemin thinks. And they don't just mean physically or locationally. They're _together_ together, the way people are when they love each other.

"Oh," Jaemin says smartly. He stares at the two of them. Renjun gives him a small smile and interlaces his hand with Jeno. Jeno presses a kiss to his knuckles. It's tender, and sweet, and reminds Jaemin of everything he could ever want.

His heart throbs painfully in his chest, and he doesn't know why.

Jaemin scrambles for something to say back that doesn't make him sound like an asshole. Congratulations? He feels... _sad_ for some reason. For the moment, he pushes that thought down and musters a watery smile. "Tha-that's great!" he says. Jeno beams at him. "When did this happen?"

Renjun and Jeno glance at each other, and Jaemin wonders how he didn't see it before now. The way they even just look at each is so sickeningly sweet and _in love_. They practically have a bright neon sign on them saying _We love each other_.

"It just, kind of happened?" Renjun rubs his neck. "It was always kind of there. And then now that we—well you know, since we were the only two to physically stick together..." Renjun trails off, chuckling.

"That's great," Jaemin repeats, more confident this time. He really is happy for them, he is. He's glad they have each other.

-

They end up talking for several more hours, about anything to everything in their lives since they moved a part. Jaemin leaves out Eunsae and Jinwoo. They don't need to know about that. He wants them to stay happy, even if their perception of Jaemin is now an illusion. Jaemin wants them to think he's happy. He doesn't want them to worry about him, because they would. Because they're good people and friends like that. They'd insist on calling Jaemin every day until they themselves got sick of hearing Jaemin's voice. They'd bombard his phone with texts, reminding him to eat or with positive little love notes, reminding him he's better than his brain tells him he is.

Maybe Jaemin does want that. But he's afraid. Of something. Of letting them know. Of having to speak the words out loud. It's one thing to think things, another to say them out loud.

-

After their call ends, Jaemin cries in the darkness of his bedroom. It's not because he misses their presence, even though he truly _does_ already. And it's not because that the lack of their presence reminds Jaemin more than ever of the crippling loneliness he feels.

It's something else entirely, and Jaemin doesn't even know what it is. He thinks back to their call. Something in their conversation must have upset him. This, Jaemin knows the answer to, at least. He can pinpoint the exact moment his heart dropped and he felt the tears begin to burn beneath his eyes.

It was when Renjun and Jeno told him they were dating. But Jaemin doesn't get it. Why would he be upset? Jaemin's pretty confident in his sense of self, and never had an issue with gay couples in the past. So why does he feel so upset by the thought of Renjun and Jeno being together then?

-

Jaemin goes to class distracted by thoughts of Jeno and Renjun. Thoughts of them entangled with each other, thoughts of them being all cutesy and domestic. And God, how _badly_ Jaemin wants that. He isn't sure if he's jealous of Renjun or Jeno, or jealous of the two of them, or of the fact that they _have_ each other.

He doesn't deserve them anyways. _Look at them, they're so happy, so why can't you just be?_ a voice sneers. Jaemin should be happy for the people who he considers his best friends, but he can't muster up the strength to feel anything but bitter and cold.

Jaemin tries not to dwell on it any longer, but he can't help but having his mind flit back to the image of Jeno kissing Renjun's knuckles, and the feeling of how badly he wishes he were there in place of Renjun. Or even Jeno, but that makes no sense, does it?

Jaemin isn't sure what his thoughts mean anymore. It's not like they ever made much sense anyways.

-

Jaemin finally realizes like this:

He thinks Renjun is really pretty. Like, _really_ pretty. Jaemin adores the way the sunlight kisses his hair and used to daydream about the ways he could capture such beauty on his camera. Jaemin is fascinated by the way his lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. He thinks the way he stomps his feet when he gets excited is cute. Jaemin could list a hundred and one different little things about Renjun that he loves.

He _also_ thinks Jeno is really pretty. Jeno is both strikingly handsome, and pretty, _and_ adorable, all rolled into one. Jaemin thinks the way his arms feel around him is really nice. He thinks Jeno has really pretty eyes and could lose himself in staring at them. And Jaemin absolutely adores the way his eyes crinkle upwards when he smiles.

Jaemin at first thought he was _jealous_ of them. Of both of them, for having such a love for each other. He thought he wanted somebody to love him like the way they love each other. And in a way, he was right. Jaemin was jealous. But not because he wanted just anybody to love him. But because _he_ loves _them_. Both of them. And they love each other. And Jaemin wants them to love him too.

_Oh, _he thinks. _Oh_. What great fortune Jaemin has. He laughs out loud, and hopes that Jinwoo doesn't complain and spread even_ more _rumors about Jaemin being crazy. Jaemin laughs himself to the point of tears, lying hysterical on his bed at his realization.

Not only is he in love with not one, but _two_ people. Two people who have been Jaemin's best friends since practically middle school. People he's grown up alongside, and who certainly don't see him as anything more than a great friend. Two people who are dating each other. And not Jaemin.

The world must think Jaemin is a great big joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me elsewhere
> 
> twitter: [@floweryongs](https://twitter.com/floweryongs)  
curiouscat: [@floweryong](https://curiouscat.me/floweryong)  
tumblr: [@leetaeyong](https://leetaeyong.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i feel like the quality of these chapters are going downhill.... this is still mostly a vent fic for me so the plot may feel disjointed i think when im getting that #self projection onto jaemin sdkjsdc  
speaking of downhill, jaemin's life is also going downhill...  
(and also my self esteem)

Jaemin hates and loves his reflection. The reflections keep him grounded. If he can see his body, see the shape of his legs, the curve of his stomach, then he knows what he looks like. He knows how big he is and how bad or good he thinks he looks (depending on the day).

He doesn’t like to wear loose clothes. With tight clothes, he can see. Not knowing, not knowing is worse. much worse. Jaemin could stare at the baggy jeans and shirt and would never know how fat his thighs were. Some people say ignorance is bliss, Jaemin would beg to differ.

What if he looks worse than he thinks? What if he’s suddenly huge, under all those clothes. No, Jaemin would like to know. Even though he’s not sure how much of it is twisted and warped by his own mind, but it’s all he’s got.

-

Jaemin's surprised when he receives another text from Jeno. _hey jaemin! how have u been?_, it reads. Quite simple. It's an easy question, one that Jaemin should be able to think of a dozen replies to, but somehow his thumbs hesitate before typing anything out.

Ever since he realized, he's unsure anymore of how to act around them. He knows he should just continue on like he still didn't recognize his feelings, and act normal. But what is normal anyways? Jaemin's always been a touchy person. Physical affection comes easy to him, but now he's lost his perception of how much is too much. How much is too much before it grows into something more. Can he still send them hearts and _I love you_'s in text without feeling like he's laying his heart there?

Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin have always been close though. Close friends, and certainly often inseparable physically. Jaemin fondly remembers when they were younger, much younger, and had a sleepover at Jeno's house. Jaemin remembers curling up between the two of them under this humongous blanket fort they had made. He remembers drifting off, and then waking up to Renjun slapping his face with his arm as he rolled off of Jaemin's chest. It was come morning, and neither Jaemin nor Renjun wanted to leave.

So they hid with Jeno, like any normal kids at a sleepover would. They hid under their blanket fort and lowered their voices to mere whispers.

Is there still room for Jaemin in that? Does it change things now, that Jaemin has feelings and that Renjun and Jeno are dating? Would Jeno push him away if he tried to lay his head on Renjun's lap? Would he do nothing, because he treasures Jaemin too, but silently seethe on the inside?

Not that it really matters, as both Renjun and Jeno are miles away, where Jaemin can't lay his head on his lap or card his hands through their hair. _But one day_, Jaemin thinks. One day, they might come back.

Right?

-

Jaemin wishes he hadn't realized. Wishes desperately he could've just gone on oblivious, or better yet, never developed them. Feelings are messy. They allow people to get hurt.

Jaemin knows of polyamory. He knows they could make it work, if they liked Jaemin too. If they were generous enough to allow him into their hearts and space that they've made for themselves. Jaemin's dreamt about the three of them. Of ways that he could have it _all_.

And then, there are the times that he knows he can have none of it. Renjun and Jeno are _happy_. Jaemin telling them would only spoil that.

They'd feel bad, and probably try to love him back. Jaemin would have them for some time, true. And it might feel like bliss, but it would end. It would end before Jaemin would be ready because Jaemin would never be ready for it to end. Renjun and Jeno would feel sorry, they would apologize over and over and smother him in love, but friendly love. They'd tell him that they don't think it's going to work out, with tears in their eyes, because he knows they love him too. Just, maybe not quite the way Jaemin loves them.

Or maybe he would tell them, and it would ruin their friendship. They would reject him, with as much kindness as anybody could muster, and Jaemin would go home with a throbbing heart. He'd bawl his eyes out, and then might eventually grow and get over it. Though, Jaemin doubts the latter half.

But Jeno and Renjun would never look at him the same. Every time they'd meet up it would be stilted and awkward. When they see Jaemin smile at them, they'd wonder, _is he still in love with us_? Any time they see him they'd think of the boy who was in love with them, the boy whose heart they broke, the boy who they didn't love back. So they'd be extra gentle with him. They'd hold back. Try not to lead Jaemin on. But then they'd stop being Jaemin's friends. The division between them would grow, and Jaemin wouldn't recognize it until he's standing on the other side of a chasm from them with no idea how to cross it.

And then that would be the end of them.

-

Jaemin hates the feeling of being full. It makes him feel gross. Bloated, bulging. Full. It makes him want to throw up everything he ate. He wishes he could just get it all _out_ of him because he feels so disgustingly stuffed. But he can't because Jaemin, is a shit purger.

No matter how far back his fingers go in his throat, or how much he leans over the toilet bowl, nothing comes up. He could sit there for hours, cramming his whole hand practically down his throat, but nothing would happen. Sure, he would gag and retch and spit and clear fluid would dribble out.

But not the food. Never the food.

So no matter how much Jaemin may _want_ to throw it all up, he can't. He supposes he should be grateful for his shit gag reflex. It's currently saving him the pain of destroying his throat.

-

Sometimes, just sometimes, Jaemin wonders how it got this bad. How it got to the point where he can barely force the food down his throat. Where he doesn't eat at meals half the time and the few times he does he's consumed by disgust and regret. Where he feels hungry most of the time, but he _enjoys_ it. He wonders, how did it get this far?

Jaemin wasn't always like this. Contrary to the popular belief, he still loves food. He just, doesn't always like how it makes him feel. Jaemin loves pizza. He loves fries, and desserts, and everything unhealthy. But he can't stand the feeling of being full, of gaining weight, of eating. When he eats, he misses the pangs of hunger and the way his muscles would shake.

But even still, he misses eating. He misses _really_ eating. Eating for the sake of enjoying food, rather than sitting there staring at the whole plate and trying to guesstimate how many calories are in it. He misses feeling full and feeling happy, afterwards, instead of guilty and disgusting.

It makes Jaemin wonders what's wrong with him. What's wrong with him, that he can barely make himself eat dinner. And then when he does, he wishes desperately that he hadn't.

-

Jeno's going to be in town to see his parents. Not to see Jaemin, but to see his parents. He texts Jaemin almost as an afterthought, inviting him out to lunch at 1:30 on Wednesday.

Jaemin doesn't really have time on Wednesday. But he could pick up the form he needs for class tomorrow right at 12PM after his math class finishes. He'd then need to move his 12PM meeting fifteen minutes later, to allow him time to get there and back. That would make him be done at 1:15. Then Jaemin would have about ten minutes to finish up his homework for his class tonight and then sprint down to the restaurant.

So, yeah, he was free.

_Works for me_, Jaemin types.

-

"How have you been?" Jaemin asks. "Well, I hope?"

Jeno smiles brightly. "Yeah! I’ve made some good friends already," he says.

"Yeah?" Jaemin says, happy for Jeno that he's got people already. Envious, slightly, because Jaemin doesn't. They started college at the same time, so why is Jaemin so lacking in friends? Why has Jeno found it so much easier to replace him than Jaemin has? They've always been similar in personality, more introverted. So then... What's Jaemin doing wrong?

Jeno bobs his head. "We have like, multiple group chats for some reason. Only a few are alive right now though," he says. "They're all so nice. I bet you'd like them."

"I hope I get to meet them then," Jaemin says. And he means it. He'd love to meet Jeno's friends. He's sure they're all amazing people. Jeno talks so passionately about them, and so brightly, but well, he's like that with everybody right? Jeno's just that kind of happy person that everybody loves and adores. He's the kind of person with a kind word for everybody. Even Jaemin. Especially Jaemin.

"Me too!" Jeno exclaims. "So, what about you?"

Jaemin shrugs. "It's... It's okay," he says. "I don't really have my friend group yet, but..." Jaemin trails off, unsure of how to phrase it without making it seem like he's a total loner. But maybe he is. God, he hates words sometimes. Why are they so hard?

Jeno's gaze softens. "Oh, Jaemin," he says. "I'm sure you've met some people."

Jaemin thinks of Jaehyun. And then Jinwoo and Eunsae. "I have," he admits. "But they're not like, _my_ people, if you know what I mean." And Jeno does, because they haven't been best friends for practically life for nothing.

"You'll get there," Jeno reassures. "It's still early." Jaemin knows that. But somehow even though it's still early in the year Jeno and Renjun appear to have had so much success, and Jaemin hasn't. Maybe they're just lucky.

Maybe the problem resides in Jaemin. _Is he really just that unlikeable?,_ he wonders. He knew he got lucky with the Dream team. They pursued after him. Chasing him down between classes and forcing him to talk to them. So, Jaemin was lucky. He didn't have to do the work. But now that he's older, he doesn't know how to. Doesn't know how to come off as "friendly," or how to carry a conversation without it dying in ten minutes. Jaemin doesn't pick up well on social cues either.

So, it's probably just a Jaemin thing.

-

"How's Renjun?" Jaemin asks.

"He's good," Jeno says. "He's been wanting to switch his major though. We'll see how that goes."

"Oh?" Jaemin says. He tries to recall what Renjun's majoring in but comes up blank. _What a shitty friend I am_, he thinks. Can't even remember basic facts anymore. No wonder nobody likes him.

Jeno hums. "He's not so fond of the math aspect of it all anymore. Thinking of something more humanities based," he says.

"And you?" Jaemin asks. "You're happy?"

"Couldn't be more," Jeno says, chuckling. "I've got Renjun, so why would I be unhappy?" he says, teasing. Jaemin laughs along, but internally thinks _and what about me?_

That's selfish though. Jeno should prioritize Renjun more now. They're _dating_. They're boyfriends. And Jaemin, is not. He's just their friend now. So, it's selfish of Jaemin to want Jeno to prioritize him the same way. But the knowledge doesn't stop him from wanting it any less.

-

After they've both finished and paid, Jeno smiles and wraps Jaemin in a warm hug. "We're both going to come back for summer break. We should all get together," Jeno suggests afterwards.

"Yeah," Jaemin says, trying not to sound like he's overly excited at the idea already. "We should." Jeno beams at him, and Jaemin ignores the rapid pounding of his heart in his chest.

Jeno is leaving again tomorrow night anyways.

-

People whispering about him is nothing new nowadays. He's grown used to the constant stares and the talking behind his back, but _laughing_. The laughing is new. Jaemin just cautiously walks onwards towards his locker. It feels like everyone is waiting around for him. _Waiting for him for what though?_-

The thing about people is that they are cruel. People are cruel more often than they are willing to be kind.

Imagine a large circle of people crowded around one man. They have the option of slapping him, or to stand against him with the crowd. People would rather beat down the man than help him up. Why stick out your neck for just one man? When you can safely be with the crowd. Slapping the man costs you nothing, and ensures your protection. Standing with the man would be easier if more people were to stand with him. But, _but_, to be the first person to stand with him? No. People are more easily cowards than they are brave. It is a selfish and yet justified reaction, to think of preserving yourself rather than the man in the center.

Jaemin, just has the unfortunate luck of being the man in the center.

It is there that he finds himself, at the center of a large crowd of people, staring at his locker. On his locker, someone has scribbled a word in bright red marker. The word encompasses the entirety of his locker.

_WHORE_ it reads. Upon closer examination, there are smaller words and phrases around it as well. _You wish you had anorexia so hard don't you?_

_Faggot_

There's a small lipstick stain in the form of a kiss, right beside; _You'll never be as skinny as me xoxo._

In one corner, there’s a drawing of a pig. _Oink_ _oink_ is written above it.

The hallway bursts into laughter upon seeing that Jaemin's reached his "prize."

"Jaemin!" It's Eunsae. "I hope you liked our decoration!" She blows a kiss in his direction. Jinwoo sulks behind her, hunched over. Jaemin catches his gaze, before Jinwoo quickly looks away. Jaemin doesn't know if it's because he's ashamed or scared. He supposes the two are similar though.

All around him, people's faces twist with mockery as they laugh and jeer. To them, he’s just some big great joke.

This, Jaemin thinks now. This is the moment. This is the moment he started to think, _is this even worth it anymore_? All the misery he suffers every day at school, is it worth it? Is the photography program worth it?

_No_, Jaemin finds himself answering. No, it’s not. For they’ve taken that from him too. Jaemin no longer finds the joy he used to from photography. He can barely

They’ve riddled his mind and heart with holes. They took his friends. His passion from him. If Jaemin has nothing left of who he was before, then who is he anymore? Is he even still Na Jaemin, if there’s nothing left? And even if there is, is it worth saving? A miserable and pitiful existence, shredded and torn down until it can barely walk or speak for itself. Would you care for it? Tend it back to health? Or would it simply be kinder to let it die? Watch as it gasps and heaves for breaths that won’t and cannot come.

Jaemin stares at his locker, feeling empty. He feels numb. Maybe he's finally grown a thick skin. He grabs his things, and slams the door closed.

-

Jaemin rarely feels much nowadays. It's like there was some gaping black hole inside of him that had been growing and growing until now it's finally consumed him. It kind of worries him.

He doesn't flinch so much anymore at Eunsae's taunts in the hallways. He doesn't feel pride, or happiness in his work or when he gets a good grade or a bad grade. Nothing seems to faze him anymore. Life passes by him like he's in the backseat of a car that never stops moving, and Jaemin can do nothing to change its route.

He tells himself it's a good thing. It was never good anyways to be so emotional. His friends probably found him annoying, always crying on their shoulder or needing to talk to them. Gods, why was Jaemin so _needy_? At least they won't be bothered with him now. He used to get so excited when Jeno or Renjun would reach out, but now he can't even dig up the energy in him to respond to their texts.

At some point, they stopped sending them. They must've gotten tired of being ghosted. He's sure they think he's a difficult friend. Someone who's not worth all the effort they have to put in. Jaemin's truly sorry for that, but he just can't find it in him to try and respond. He wishes he could. He wishes he could be a better friend. They both deserve that.

He's just tired, he supposes. He's just so tired. Always tired. He never feels like doing anything. And he doesn't know why anymore.

He could lay in his bed for hours, for days, for _years_, just existing, and it still wouldn't be enough. Jaemin could sleep twelve hours or two and he's still just as exhausted when he wakes up no matter what. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters, really. Because no matter what Jaemin does, he's always just. So. Tired.

-

Jaemin's wonders what it's like to free fall. He's only ever been on small rollercoasters, where the drops were never very big. He wonders if it's freeing, if it feels like flying. He wonders how people here would react if they found out he jumped off the roof. Would they cheer? Would they feel bad for their actions? He thinks the cheering one is more likely.

He wonders what it'd feel like falling from the rooftop. If the wind would hurt his face as he flew, if he'd flail like all those actors in the movies did. If when he hit the ground it would hurt, or if he'd still feel nothing at all.

Sometimes it already feels like he's falling, even though he's standing on solid ground. That's what scares Jaemin the most.

-

Jaemin wishes he could feel again. He misses crying over stupid cute animal videos at 2Am. He misses

Maybe he doesn't miss the heart wrenching loneliness that used to consume him, or the stab of pain he felt every time he walked to class, but Jaemin supposes you can't truly experience elation without feeling the darkest moments. Life was a rollercoaster. Emotions were his high and Jaemin loved it.

It's so dull now though. Jaemin wants it back. He wants his life, his passion, his feelings, the good _and_ the bad back. But he doesn't know how to make it come back. Jaemin tries, he really does, to muster up any sort of feeling about _something_. But all he can manage is a dull sort of apathy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i went to counseling the other day and ig they like diagnosed me with an ed... man im f-ed up lmao


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LET'S pretend that jaemin's birthday is sometime during the school year (est fall) for purposes of this fic....

Jaemin runs into Jaehyun in the cafeteria, after he's gotten his food.

"Oh hey!" Jaehyun waves. Jaemin smiles and greets him back. Jaemin doesn't bother waiting for Jaehyun to get out of line before he heads towards the cashier to pay for his meal.

And then he's faced with a full cafeteria. Most the tables are already full with people Jaemin barely knows, including his normal table. So, he sits somewhere else for today, managing to find a singular empty one. He takes out his phone and scrolls on Instagram for a bit, as to not seem so lonely. Maybe they’ll think he’s texting his friends. Although he doubts anyone in this school really believes he has friends. So he wonders, who is he trying to fool, himself or them?

Jaemin spots Jaehyun as he enters the cafeteria, accompanied alongside by a friend of his. Jaemin doesn't know his name, but he's seen him with Jaehyun before. Jaehyun's eyes flick over to Jaemin for a second, before he glances away. Jaemin watches as they approach him. _Are they going to sit with him? _he wonders. He keeps his head down, as to make it not so obvious he’s staring at them.

But they curve left, and sit down at the table beside Jaemin. Jaehyun doesn’t look over at him again, and neither does the other person. Jaemin can overhear their conversation slightly. It's about someone Jaemin doesn’t know.

_Why didn’t they sit with him?_ Jaemin wonders. It seems, not even Jaehyun likes him anymore.

Jaemin finishes his meal as fast as he can and speeds out of the cafeteria.

-

Jaemin avoids eating in the cafeteria more often than not now, choosing to eat outside on a bench, or not even at all. Jaemin just feels worse when he goes there. It’s so much more noticeable how lonely he is when he’s surrounded by people who all have friends.

He keeps a stash of chip bags from the cafeteria in his dorm room, hidden inside his desk drawer. Sometimes he eats those instead. Jaemin finds himself growing more anxious over even going to the cafeteria just to grab another bag for his stash now. He can barely stand it. He hates it. Jaemin wishes he could not go at all. But he does need some food.

Jaemin wishes he didn't hate it. He wishes he had friends to sit with. He wishes he had people to be around with. People who would defend him from the shit fest that's become his life. He longs to be touched and smothered in _love._

Jaemin hates sitting alone. Hates how he can't work up the courage to ask to sit with anybody. Hates how nobody comes up to him to sit with him. Hates how he can't fucking _socialize_ like a normal person.

So, he withdraws. He stores himself safely away in his room, where he won't feel the judging gazes of the others in the cafeteria. Where people won't look at his meal and think _why doesn't he eat more?_

Jaemin's aware he's isolating. Isolation is a bad thing, he thinks. But he's not sure if he wants to stop it. It's so much easier, just to curl up and shy away from everything bad and horrible. Maybe Jaemin's a coward. Maybe that's why. Jaemin doesn't want to face the reality. So, he runs.

-

Jaemin turns to online friendships as his source of social interaction, because despite what Jaemin may think about himself he cannot go forever with barely talking to people. So, he downloads a chatting platform called Discord. He browses around on the various available group chats. There's lots of specific ones, for every music genre or game available it seems. Jaemin settles on picking one centered around photography. He joins with the name **_nanazs_**.

-

**_nanazs:_** _hello?_

_ **xuxism: **OMG NEW MEMBER_

_ **xuxism:** HIIIIII_

_ **xuxism:** :bunny_heart:_

Jaemin feels himself smile at the cute messages. _Xuxism_ seems like a friendly person.

**_xuxism:_**_ im lucas_

Jaemin hesitates before answering. Should he tell them his real name? Is 'Lucas' _xuxism's_ real name? Jaemin has a healthy dose of caution when dealing with people on the internet. Jaemin knows nothing about the people in this server yet. Not how old they are, where they're from, their gender, nothing.

** _nanazs:_ ** _ call me nana_

**_dexiaojun:_**_ welcome!_

**_chittapten:_**_ hello nana_

**_notkun:_**_ welcome nana! if you have any questions feel free to ask. introduce yourself in #intros_

Jaemin selects the intros channel. All the other members have little bios sent there. Jaemin reads through them.

** _notkun:_ ** _ im kun, the mod of this server. 23, he/him. photography major. i own two cats._

** _chittapten:_ ** _ hi im ten, 23, also he/him but idrc. also a photography major. I specialize in portraits._

** _dexiaojun:_ ** _ 20, he/him. Im Xiaojun! :D_

** _xuxism: _ ** _ummm hi! i'm Lucas. 20, he/him. not a photography major... but i do like nature photography as a hobby._

Jaemin adds himself there.

**_nanazs:_** _nana, 19. photography major_

Immediately, in the main general chat, several members react to his messages. Jaemin smiles by himself in the darkness of his room, lit only by the blue glow of his phone screen.

-

Jaemin grows close with them.

He likes talking to them. He learns that Lucas lives on the other side of the country as Jaemin. Xiaojun has a really cute voice. He's sent them voice clips multiple times. Jaemin feels the closest bond with those two, being of similar age. Kun is like an older brother. Kind of dad like, but sweet and fun to talk to. And Ten's really funny. He's one of the few members who sends selfies in their selfie channel.

Jaemin still hasn't worked up the courage to send a selfie of him. Or talk in the voice chat on occasion when they do that. He just listens, and then types his answers in the general chat. The other members are nice about it. They don't push. Jaemin's grateful for that.

Half the time they don't even talk about photography. They talk about anything and everything in between. Jaemin suddenly finds himself feeling like he has _friends_. He feels a real connection between all of them, despite that their relationship being totally online.

He finds himself opening up to them more. He makes use of their vent channel, and tells them of Jinwoo and Eunsae. Lucas comforts him, and spams him with endless DMs with heart filled messages telling him how wonderful and amazing he is. It leaves Jaemin shaking and on the verge of tears. Happy tears, but tears.

But he finds himself believing their words. He lets himself trust them. And maybe, that was his mistake. Jaemin always gets so _attached_ to people. More attached than they get to him. He gives people his whole heart and leaves nothing for himself. And so when they eventually leave him, it hurts him the worst.

-

Looking back, Jaemin considers this to be a happier point in this timeline. His mental health was slightly improving. They'd remind him to eat, and that Jinwoo and Eunsae were bitches. Jaemin finds comfort in their words, even though he knows that everything he knows about them could be false.

But there's always a calm before even the worst storms.

Jaemin wakes up to a barrage of notifications from the Discord. And at the top of it all...

** _dexiaojun: _ ** _hey guys... kinda wanna delete discord so... im gonna leave. you can still catch me on twitter though! <3_

And under the message is another one with a link to his Twitter account. Jaemin doesn't have a twitter, plus it doesn't look as if it's very active. The last tweet is from several months ago. Jaemin scrolls through the many heartfelt messages from the other members, saying goodbyes and reminders of inside jokes. Inside jokes, that Jaemin is now a part of. He only skims through them, when another message catches his eye.

** _xuxism:_ ** _ HI everyone! i think im going to follow Xiaojun and leave as well :{ Stuff's been rough irl and i just need a break. I love yall though._

There are various messages below from all the other members saying their goodbyes and messages of hope for their return. Jaemin sends one as well, even though he knows both Lucas and Xiaojun are gone at this point and they won't see it. Jaemin doesn't hold out much hope that they'll return, or that Jaemin will ever interact with them again.

Jaemin feels his eyes start to water. Even online, people leave him. Online friendships are hard, he supposes. Once they leave whatever platform you see them on, that's it. There's no more. Unless they trust you with a phone number or something more. But even then, you have little chance of actually seeing them. They could live halfway around the world, and if they don't reply to your texts or messages, you'd have no way of contacting them again.

Jaemin supposes he didn't even know _xuxism _or _dexiaojun_ that well compared to how he knew his high school friends, but he viciously feels the loss all the same.

-

The chat pretty much dies after the loss of two members. Barely anybody talks. Or when they do, Jaemin misses the whole conversation and by the time he arrives they're all long gone.

Jaemin thinks about leaving himself as well. Seeing the empty chat is just a painful reminder of the happy memories he made with them. It reminds him of what he loss, and that the empty shell that the chat has become was not always the case.

-

Jaemin's birthday passes without much affair. It's not like he's gotten close with anybody to really tell them about it. Jinwoo doesn't even know. Jaemin doesn't mind. The lack of attention is better than having everybody's eyes on him.

-

Jaemin opens his mailbox to see an oversized pink envelope crammed in there. He yanks it out, and stares at it. His name and address are written on the front in a familiar scrawl.

It's Renjun's handwriting. Jaemin tears it open. It's a birthday card, cheesy brightly colored letterings and a picture of a cake decorating the front. Jaemin flips it open.

_Happy birthday Jaeminnie~~_, it reads. There are a few drawn hearts surrounding it. Simple, but genuine. And no less sincere for lack of words filling the page. At the bottom, they both signed it.

_We miss you a lot_.

_Love,_

_Renjun + Jeno_

I miss you too, Jaemin thinks. I miss you so much, he thinks.

A drop of water falls onto the card, smudging one of the inked hearts. Jaemin sniffles, and realizes he is crying. He carefully closes the card and puts it in his bag, as not to ruin it any further.

-

Jaemin keeps the card on the desk. It reminds him he does have people out there, somewhere. Somewhere far away, but they're there. Jaemin supposes he's lucky. He dreads to think what he would've done if this were centuries ago and he could only send a letter once every month.

He tries to make minimal conversation with the two of them at least. He forces himself to check in with them. Send them something. _Anything_, to start a conversation. Often, the conversation dies down after a bit. Jaemin blames himself for that. He's always been bad at carrying a conversation, always relying on the other person to carry it for him. He assumes that Renjun and Jeno are both as busy with their other social lives and college work. They simply don't have time to carry the conversation for Jaemin anymore. Jaemin, who is dozens of miles away.

But Jaemin's fine with that. He understands.

-

Jaemin goes up to sit on the roof. Just to sit. Nothing else.

It's quiet up there. There's nobody there with him. Jaemin is alone. It is just him, himself, and his thoughts. It's surprisingly peaceful. Jaemin feels a strange sense of calm within him. He used to despise being alone, always wanting to be around his friends, but he's changed he supposes. All he ever seeks now is to get _away_ from everything. From life, from school, from the jibes of his so called "peers." He just wants everything to be quiet. He just needs everything to _stop_. Even just for a moment.

Time is relentless. It ticks onwards, always pressing forwards, and it doesn't pause for anybody. Jaemin just needs everything to stop. _Everything_. He needs time to stop.

He misses his friends.

The sun is setting. It paints the sky a myriad of pinks and purples and oranges, something that Jaemin used to be fascinated with capturing. But recently, Jaemin's felt too drained to properly feel inspired for photography. He's barely tried, not having enough energy, both mental and physical to put in his best effort.

He's just so fucking _tired._ Tired of life. Tired of being called names and told horrible things at college. Tired of his fucking mind and just _tired_. Tired of everything.

_Is it even worth it? _Not really. Jaemin hasn't accomplished anything great in his two years here so far. His grades have slipped so much this past year, he's half afraid they're going to kick him out. Jaemin's failing as a student, and as a photographer. _Is it worth it?_ He asks himself again. The constant torture of the gaze and judgement of the other students. Is it worth it? To put himself through that again day, after day, after day, after day, for another two years? _No,_ Jaemin thinks. He doesn't think so.

So he pushes himself off the ledge.

And falls.

-

Falling felt nice. There was nothing to do after that. Nothing Jaemin had to do. Nothing. He was _free_. Free of any responsibility. Jaemin closes his eyes. It was quiet. Jaemin couldn't hear anything anymore, just the whistling of the wind behind his ears. Nothing hurt anymore either. Jaemin didn't feel cold, as he thought he would. He just felt. Calm.

He falls.

And then there's the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also.... this is the long awaited climax of all jaemin's sufferings
> 
> sorry if this feels kinda rushed i wanna get to the norenmin stuff aka yes renjun nd jeno are comingg :)
> 
> also btw i want to say i love and appreciate every single one of you that take the time to read my fic and comment almost every time i update... even if i dont reply bc i feel awkward or forget to and then feel weird about replying so late, please know i read it and love you for it <3


	8. Chapter 8

Renjun receives the worst call of his life on September 3rd, at 11 PM at night.

The phone rings, making Renjun jump. He was so intently focused on the paper he was trying to write for his Ethics class that he grew used to the surrounding silence.

"Jeno," Renjun calls, not pausing his typing. "The phone."

"Got it," he hears Jeno say back. He can hear Jeno's footsteps as he gets up from the couch and moves towards the apartment phone. "Hello?" he says. Renjun tunes out Jeno's voice.

_Plato_... He tries to wrack his brain. _What would Plato do?_ Renjun laughs. You could put that on a T-shirt.

Jeno peaks his head into their room "Renjun," he says, tone serious. "You should take this." Jeno holds out the phone. Renjun pauses typing, what could be so important that Jeno couldn't deal with it?

"Alright," he says confusedly, closing his laptop. He takes the phone. "Hi," he says. "This is Renjun speaking."

"Huang Renjun?" a woman says. "Hi, this is the Sinai Hospital in Vernon. We have a Na Jaemin here. He has you listed as his emergency contact."

"Na Jaemin, you said?" Renjun repeats. His heart hammers. _Jaemin's_ in the hospital. Jaemin still has _him _as his emergency contact, despite the distance. Either he forgot to change it, or he didn't want to. Renjun swallows. "What's wrong?" he asks, afraid to hear the answer.

"Unfortunately, I cannot tell you that over the phone. I would need you to come here and show proof of ID," she says.

"Okay," Renjun says, still processing. Jaemin. Hospital. Jaemin still has him listed as his emergency contact. _Jaemin_, is in the hospital for some unknown reason. Jaemin needs him. "Okay," he says, firmer. "We'll be there." The lady clicks off. Renjun places the phone down on his desk. He needs to tell Jeno.

"Jeno?" he calls. Jeno pops his head in a moment later.  
"Yep?" he says, body coming around the corner. "What was it?"

"It's Jaemin," Renjun says. "He's... He's in the hospital. I'm still his emergency."

Jeno exhales. He sits down on the bed. "Is he—is okay?" Jeno asks.

Renjun shakes his head. "They can't tell me anything without me being there," he says. And Jeno knows. He knows exactly what Renjun's thinking. And he _agrees_, because of all things Lee Jeno is nothing but kind and wonderful and more than willing to take a four-hour flight for Jaemin.

"Okay," Jeno says, standing. "I'll go pack my things."

-

Jaemin, unfortunately, is still alive enough to wake up in the hospital.

He knows he's in the hospital because of the white speckled roof above him, and the bright fluorescent lights. The room smells sterile and of disease simultaneously. It makes him want to retch.

He's alone. Jaemin's not surprised by that. He groggily sits up, and notices the IV drip in his arm. He has an unreasonable urge to rip it out dramatically like in all those action movies. But he knows it wouldn't be good. It would just hurt. And bleed.

So, he refrains. Instead, he blinks his eyes rapidly and takes in his room. There's a TV in the upper corner. It's not on. The remote is on his bedside table. Jaemin stretches to reach it when sharp pain blossoms from his side.

He hisses and immediately retracts his arms. Slowly, everything comes back to him. Everything starts to ache, dully sore like he worked out too much the past day. Jaemin tries to move but realizes he can't feel his legs. _Fuck_, he thinks. He's midway through panicking over his potential paralysis when a nurse opens the door.

"Mr. Na," the nurse greets. "Glad to see you up."

"Thanks?" Jaemin says.  
"You're very lucky to be alive, Mr. Na," she says. "You landed on your legs, breaking the fall enough that your head survived." Jaemin chuckles at the irony of it all. _Lucky_, he thinks. That's the one thing he wouldn't say he is.

"Broken legs and slight head injury," she reads from her clipboard. "But yet again, very lucky. Minimal spine damage. You should be up and walking again with the proper care and physical therapy."

"Walking," Jaemin repeats, relieved.

The nurse nods. "Are you in any pain?" she asks.

"A little," he admits. It's a kind of sore ache all over. Like a persistent, throbbing, head ache.

"On a scale of one to ten, one being the least and ten being the most pain, how much?" she asks.  
"Like... A two?" Jaemin guesses. It's not too bad. Just enough to be uncomfortable, but not enough that he's writhing in it.

The nurse presses her lips together. "Your pain meds are already high right now," she says. "Let us know if the pain grows any worse, and we'll see what we can do."

The nurse pauses. "Mr. Na," she says. "Why were you on the roof?"

"I fell off," he says automatically. The nurse eyes him suspiciously. "Really," he protests. "I—I hadn't slept very well. I was just up there to see the sunset, but I must've, must've sat too close to the edge." Jaemin rubs his neck and puts on a sheepish look.

The nurse scribbles something down. "We're putting you on a twenty-four-hour suicide watch just in case," she says. "During those twenty-four hours you are not allowed to leave the hospital, and there will be a monitor outside your room checking on you at all times, do you understand?" Jaemin nods. "Good," she says. "Now, your friends are here if you'd like to allow them in."

"M-my friends?" Jaemin stutters. Jaehyun? He wonders. But she said friends, plural. Eunsae and Jinwoo perhaps then? But Jaemin sincerely doubts that they would come to see him. He doubts anyone at college even noticed his absence, save for his teachers.

"Yes," the nurse says, annoyed. "Renjun and Jeno?"

Jaemin freezes. Renjun and Jeno are _here_? _Fuck_, Jaemin thinks. What are they doing here? Halston is a four-hour flight away, and unless Jaemin's been unconscious for a few months then they should still have classes. Meaning, they flew here to see him, despite the fact that they would be missing their classes. Jaemin swallows. He's not sure what that means. "Let them in," he says. The nurse nods and opens the door. Renjun and Jeno shuffle in. Jeno's holding a rather large bouquet of flowers.

"You brought me flowers," Jaemin states, sounding more tired than happy.

"Yes?" Jeno says, taken aback by his tone. "I hope you like them." He holds them out to Jaemin. Jaemin takes it gently. The paper wrapping crumbles underneath his fingers. He swallows; it's very touching of Jeno. They both flew here to see _Jaemin_. Jeno even brought him flowers.

"Thank you," Jaemin whispers, feeling the petal of a lily. Lily of the valley. Jaemin's favorite flowers. Jeno remembered. He feels his throat clench. _Not now_, he tells himself.

"Are you okay?" Renjun asks softly, voice as gentle as he could be.

"Yeah," Jaemin answers. "I'm fine." Jeno and Renjun glance at each other silently, some unspoken words passing between them. Jaemin doesn't dare to allow himself to wonder what they could be.

"You know we're here for you, Min," Jeno says. He reaches out as if offering to take Jaemin's hand. Jaemin stares at his open palm blankly, unsure of how to react. Of what to even say. Of course, he's dreamed of this moment, of seeing them again. But it was never quite like this. A thousand times he's thought of what they could take about, how he could react. And yet, now that he's here, faced with the two of him he can't think of a single word to say.

_They flew all the way here to see you_, Jaemin thinks. _And you have nothing else to say to them?_

Jaemin shrugs. "I'm sorry," he whispers instead.

Jeno frowns. "What for?" he asks. Renjun glances to Jeno, avoiding Jaemin's gaze.

Jaemin shrugs once more, even unsure how to answer that.

-

The nurse shoos out Jeno and Renjun to let Jaemin rest. Jaemin's partially grateful, partially disappointed in himself. He hates how he couldn't think of anything to say. It makes him feel worse that Renjun and Jeno were just so patient. They probably would've waited an hour if Jaemin needed it. And probably even then he wouldn't be able to describe what he was feeling. When did words get so _hard_?

As he curls up on his back and tries to ignore the throbbing ache in his body, he stews in his thoughts. Renjun and Jeno must be disappointed as well. They flew back to Vernon because of _him_. They must've expected a happier reunion than whatever Jaemin gave them. He's sorry that he couldn't be better to them.

-

The next morning, a doctor comes in to see him.

"Good morning," he greets. "My name is Dr. Kim."  
"Hello," Jaemin says back weakly, still groggy from sleep.

"Your vitals were quite surprising, Mr. Na," he says. He flips up a page from the clipboard he's holding. Jaemin can barely make out the various information written there about him. His height, blood type, his weight.

"What do you mean," he bites out.

"How much do you eat in a day?" Dr Kim asks, voice as gentle as ever. Dr. Kim applies just a little bit of pressure, and the neat facade Jaemin's kept up for so long cracks.

He feels the moment he shatters. Once he starts talking, he can't stop himself. He blabs on and on. He tells him _everything_, from weighing himself in the mornings to how feeling full repulses him.

At the end, Dr. Kim is looking at him with a kind of shining sadness in his eyes. "Do you think you have an eating disorder?" he says.

Jaemin tenses. He shrugs, in place of saying anything. Dr. Kim holds his gaze, before dropping it back to his clipboard. "Well, I think you do have an eating disorder, Jaemin," he says, voice kind.

Jaemin freezes. How odd. Isn't it? To think yourself as one way for so long, is one thing, but to hear somebody else say it? Confirm it? That’s something else entirely. Jaemin's not sure if he’s ready for that. Of course, he’s wanted it. He's wished that he could _really_ know if there was something up with him. But right now, hearing the words _you have an eating disorder_ makes him feel nothing but shocked and scared. Scared, for what this might mean. Even though realistically, nothing has changed within Jaemin. It’s just now, real. It feels more real. Maybe in a good way, and maybe not.

-

Doctors cannot force you to get better though. The most they can do is give Jaemin some nutritional supplements and recommend him a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, as well as a nutritionist.

Jaemin leaves the hospital after his twenty-four hours are up with the numbers and names of two people that he doesn't intend to call.

-

Jaemin goes onto the roof. Again. He’s surprised they haven't locked it after well—after he jumped off it. But nobody stops him, so he goes onto the roof.

He doesn’t intend on doing anything. He didn’t really last time either, it just. Sort of happened. He just wants to sit. It’s quiet up here. That’s why Jaemin likes it up here. You can pretty much see the rest of campus. It’s not that big, but Jaemin likes it. He likes seeing the students milling around, moving from class to class. It makes him feel like a sort of god sitting on his cloud, watching the humans below him. it’s fun to pretend. almost like—

“Jaemin!” Jeno yells, waving his arms and jumping up and down in an obvious effort to catch his attention. Jaemin snorts. It’d be hard to miss him.

“Hey,” he shouts back.

“Just, stay right there, okay?” Jeno says.

_They came all the way here for you. That must mean something_, his mind whispers.

_They must be annoyed though_, Jaemin argues. He’s dragged them all the way back to this small town, from their big city lives. They have friends. They have each other. They’re missing their classes because of Jaemin. What kind of friend leaves you as their only emergency contact when you’ve moved miles away? _The kind of friend that’s in love_, his mind unhelpfully supplies.

But it is pretty much Jaemin's fault because he failed to make new friends.

Jaemin chuckles dryly. “I'm not going to do anything,” he says. Jeno and Renjun glance at each other. Worried, Jaemin supposes. But he’s okay. Really.

“Can we come up?” Renjun asks.

Jaemin nods. “Sure,” he says, and swings his feet off the ledge. Probably not the best move. This spurs Renjun and Jeno to practically run into the building. And not more than thirty seconds later they're up on the roof with him.

“Jaemin,” Renjun says tentatively.

"I'm okay," Jaemin reiterates. He can hear Jeno's footsteps as he approaches him.

"Can you..." Jeno trails off, but Jaemin knows what he's asking. They're afraid he's going to jump off again. Which is, reasonable, given that's what he did last time he was up here. It makes Jaemin feel a strange mixture of excitement and warmth to know that they're worried about him.

So, Jaemin slides his legs back around and onto the rooftop.

For a moment, nobody says anything.

"I didn't mean to," Jaemin blurts.

Renjun frowns, sitting down beside him cross-legged. "Mean to what?" he asks.

Jaemin bites his lips. Mean to make you come here, mean to jump off, mean to fall in love with you both. "Lots of things," he answers instead. Renjun looks like he wants to say more, but he refrains. He seems to sense that Jaemin's not really in the mood for talking right now.

Jeno shuffles closer as well. He lies his head on Jaemin's shoulder. "Jaemin," he murmurs, voice low and sweet. "You know that we..." Jeno trails off, hesitant. On Jaemin's right, Renjun tenses ever so slightly. "We're both here for you," he finishes, but Jaemin can tell that wasn't what he was going to say originally.

Jaemin doesn't reply. He doesn't need to. Instead, he allows Renjun to curl his hand around his own. Renjun runs a thumb over the back of his hand.

In the distance, the sun starts to set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are my chapters short or long i've lost my grasp on what's a reasonable amount for an update sdhksjdlc


	9. Chapter 9

"Wait," Renjun whispers, breaking the moment. He sits up off of Jaemin, blinking sleepily. "How the fuck did you even get up here?"

"Oh," Jaemin flushes. "I might've um, bribed a nurse to wheel me up here."

"Bribed?" Jeno gapes. "With what?"

"She needed a photographer for her son's wedding," Jaemin says. "I happen to be a somewhat decent photographer."

Renjun laughs, throwing his head back. "Oh my god," he wheezes. "I can't believe you."

"Even with both legs broken he's trouble," Jeno teases lightly. Jaemin starts to chuckle as well. Nobody brings up the way he broke them, or the fact that they're sitting on the very same rooftop.

"What can I say? I'm charming," Jaemin says.

Jeno rubs his eyes. "Where's your wheelchair?" he asks, moving to stand. Jaemin gestures towards where it's propped against the staircase entrance. As Jeno leaves to go get it, Jaemin becomes aware of how frigid it is up here. He shivers, and is grateful that Renjun is still here with him.

"Let's go home, yeah?" Renjun murmurs.

"Yeah," Jaemin answers.

-

They go back to Renjun's and Jeno's flat. They're renting the flat for a week. A week to stay with Jaemin, to try and help him. A week of them missing their classes, because of Jaemin. A week paid with their own money. What did Jaemin do to ever deserve them?

The apartment is bare, as expected. They barely landed here and then came straight to the hospital, from what Jaemin can tell. They must be exhausted. But they don't let it show. Despite the bags under Renjun's eyes and the way Jeno's back sags when he sits, they keep warm smiles on for him. They joke and they play with him even though they must want nothing more than to collapse into their bed.

"You must be tired," Jaemin remarks. It comes out quieter than he intended.

Jeno laughs breathily. "Only a little," he promises, voice light.

"You didn't have to—"  
"Of course we did," Renjun cuts off harshly. "You're _our_ friend, Jaemin." Jaemin almost flinches at the word friend. It's just another reminder that they don't see him that way. He's just their friend.

Jeno seems to notice Jaemin's discomfort. "You can stay here," he says. "If you're okay with it." _Here?_ Jaemin thinks. Where? On the couch? It's either that or go back and possibly see Jinwoo again. But Jinwoo isn't much harm without Eunsae. Jaemin's come to realize that he's spineless. In their dorm he sulks away from Jaemin, only ever interacting with him if Eunsae is there to support him.

"Ok," Jaemin says.  
"Oh," Jeno coughs, seeming strangely flustered. "I was more, um, thinking that..." he trails off, and rubs his neck, avoiding Jaemin's gaze. In the background, he hears Renjun laugh quietly.

"You can sleep in bed with us," Renjun finishes for him. Jaemin can't help but choke at his blunt statement.

"I—Wh—" he sputters, rapidly turning the same shade as Jeno. Renjun seems highly amused by both of their antics.

"It's big enough for three," Renjun says. It's something they've all done before. But now the prospect of sharing a bed with them has changed in Jaemin's mind. It will feel different now. He's sure Renjun and Jeno would notice the difference the moment he climbs in with them.

"I should go back to the dorm," Jaemin says instead. He notices the way Renjun's face falls for a split second, before he carefully schools it into a smile.

"That's okay," Renjun says. "Maybe next time."

Jaemin blushes. "I'm sorry," he says, even though he's not sure what he's apologizing for.

"Don't worry about it," Jeno says. He reaches out an arm and squeezes Jaemin's shoulder lightly.

"I'll help you home," Renjun volunteers.

"Be careful," Jeno says. "Text us when you get there okay?"

Jaemin nods, swallowing. "Yeah," he says. _Why is his voice trembling?_

"We will," Renjun promises.

-

Before Renjun leaves him, he gives him a key to their apartment, and tells him to drop by whenever he wants. Or to call and have him pick him up, given that Jaemin can't really go many places by himself.

Jaemin turns the key over in his palm once he's safely back in the dorm with his own thoughts. And yes, he did text them. They had spammed his phone with hearts and cutesy goodnight messages.

_It must mean something_, Jaemin thinks. They fly here for him, they give him a key to their albeit temporary apartment, they practically invite him into their bed. Or maybe Jaemin is overthinking things again. Jaemin's slept with them in one bed when they were younger. They could've flown here because they care deeply about Jaemin and were worried.

Why are feelings so confusing? Everything can be either way, and Jaemin's always too scared to actually find out the truth. Because then what if the truth is not the one he wants? What is he to do then, when he's done everything right only to get wounded in the process?

-

Jaemin takes the week off from classes. He tells himself he deserves it for all the shit he's gone through. Given his medical state, the school allows him the time to recover and wishes him well.

As a result, he practically lives in Renjun and Jeno's apartment with them. Jaemin hopes they're not sick of him yet. He spends all day lounging there in their apartment with them, as he can't really do much else. Renjun would watch cheesy dramas with him, and Jeno would play games with him when Renjun had to run out for the occasional errand.

He does everything but sleep there. That was a step that Jaemin wasn't ready to take. Not yet.

-

Jaemin returns to the hospital for a checkup on the breaks on the third day. The nurses tell him he's lucky. That it was a clean break. Lucky, isn't exactly the word Jaemin would use.

Meaning, rather than being wheeled everywhere he can now hobble with crutches. Slowly. And not for too long.

-

On the fourth day, Jaemin falls asleep on their couch and wakes up alone. He's surprised. Renjun and Jeno have barely left his side since this week's begun. But that's not fair of him, to expect them to always be around. They're their own people too, and Jaemin doesn't need them.

Except, maybe he does.

Jaemin slowly eases himself off the couch and hobbles into the kitchen. There's a sticky note on the counter from Jeno. _Went out for lunch. Didn't want to wake you. Pasta in the fridge :)_

How sweet, he even left food for Jaemin. And here Jaemin was, complaining that they weren't here when he woke up. _Ungrateful_, his mind supplies.

Jaemin opens the fridge. Sure enough, inside is a small tub of plain marinara spaghetti. Somehow, it reminds him of that dinner all those months ago even though the situations are completely different. Maybe it's the feeling of isolation.

Jaemin reheats the pasta for a minute and thirty seconds, and eats half of it. He tosses the rest.

-

The door creaks open about an hour later.

"Where did you go?" Jaemin asks, after greeting them. He hopes it doesn't come off as clingy.

"We went to see Chenle and Jisung," Renjun answers, shedding his coat.

"Oh," Jaemin says. He hadn't really kept up with the two, despite them being quite close in high school. Maybe he outgrew them. Maybe they outgrew him. "How are they?"

"They’re dating now," Jeno says.

"Wow," Jaemin says. Jaemin could see it, they're cute together. "Good for them," he says. _And what about you?_ his brain whispers. Why haven't you got anybody? See, even Chenle and Jisung can do it.

_I have got people_, Jaemin insists. Across the room, he can feel Jeno's gaze on him, even as Renjun snakes an arm into Jeno's and presses a kiss onto his cheek.

-

They don't understand, of course. Why he did _it_, why he doesn't eat as much, why his face is so pale and eyes sunken. After all, how could it they understand when it's Jaemin who can't even find the right words to describe it?

"I don't know how to explain it," Jaemin says.  
"Try," Jeno says. "Tell us, whatever you want to. I don't care if you don't think it doesn't make sense."

"Please," Jeno begs. They both stare at him, so _open_ and ready. Waiting for whatever Jaemin has to say, even if it's nothing.

Jaemin swallows. "I'm sorry," Jaemin says instead, once more apologizing endlessly for things he barely understands himself.

-

Eventually, Renjun and Jeno have to fly back to Halston though.

"Call or text us anytime," Jeno says. "Anytime," he repeats, more serious. "I mean it."

"I know," Jaemin says softly. There's a lapse, all three of them unsure of what to say, or how to describe what they're feeling.

"I guess is goodbye then," Renjun says. "For now," he promises. He smiles, eyes wrinkling gently at the corners.

"For now," Jaemin repeats.

-

Jaemin returns to school. He doesn't see Jinwoo or Eunsae much somehow. He always turns the hallway corridors tensed, like he's going to smack right into them as he rounds the corner. But they're never there. It feels strange, their lack of presence. Jaemin feels like he's staring at the empty spaces where they would normally stand.

Nobody really talks with him, which is okay, because they're not mocking him either. It's like he's invisible. The entire student body has seemed to agree on that Jaemin is not somebody they want to interact with. At all.

He's gone back to being nobody he supposes. But Jaemin thinks he's found that being nobody, is actually better than being somebody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe nobody told me about the massive plot hole last chapter gshjkdcmsd
> 
> ur all too nice, pls, if you notice something like that just mention it


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if anybody still reads this or wants me to continue but, here i am  
sorry for disappearing. life's been hard.

Jaemin lapses into a period of his life where everything is just _fine_. His grades, his feelings, his photography... Even his health. He eats more than he usually does, and he doesn't feel anything about it. He doesn't really feel guilty, nor can he muster up the energy to spend time tracking and counting the calories.

It's like his eating issue is gone. Jaemin hates that most. What's the point of having people be concerned about you if there's nothing wrong?

He's probably just faking it anyways. What kind of person who _really_ has an eating disorder has it just... go away?

Every day seems to bring more questions than answers, and Jaemin knows how he could get his answer, he just doesn't want to.

_Stubborn boy_, his mind thinks. Stubborn is correct. Jaemin knows, and yet he chooses to do nothing. Maybe that makes him a bad person. Maybe it makes him dumb.

Maybe it makes him a coward. A coward, always the coward Jaemin. Always running away from his issues and never solving them. What kind of person does that make Jaemin now?

-

His eating thing comes and goes. When it's gone, Jaemin strangely _misses_ it. When he feels normal again about his thoughts about food, it feels wrong. Jaemin thinks it's because of the lack of anything else in his life.

-

Jaemin tries to get better. For Renjun and Jeno, he tells himself. Because they were so unhappy upon seeing him in this state, so Jaemin has to get better for them. Jaemin doesn't want to cause them any more misery.

So he eats healthier. He stops the junk food and the sweets, and opts for healthier things like chicken. And vegetables. This doesn't stop his cravings though. If anything, they get worse. Each time Jaemin passes the grill where they cook fries and other unhealthy things, he practically salivates. He always wonders, maybe it'll be okay to get them again, just this once. But Jaemin always shakes himself, because he knows that one time will never be enough. Once he gets them again, he'll stuff himself and become the glutton he once was. Jaemin vows never again. He needs to get better.

Jaemin hesitates before walking past the grill and fryer like always.

-

He makes an actual effort to be more social. He sits with Jaehyun and his friends at meals more often now. Jaemin feels like he's often unwelcome, and that he's intruding upon their social space, but it comforts him a little. At least he doesn't look so alone now, even though he still feels it.

He sits down beside somebody who he thinks their name begins with a "D." He's really sorry that he can't remember. But he's just not that good with names, and they haven't bothered to talk to him that much so it's harder.

"Hey Jaemin," Jaehyun greets at least. The others nod as a form of greeting at his arrival.

"Hi," Jaemin mumbles back, feeling uncomfortable from the amount of attention fixated on him. The feeling is brief at least, everyone turning back to the conversation they were having. Jaemin's not sure what's worse: having all eyes on you or being ignored by everybody.

"How do you eat so much but you're so skinny?" D says from beside him. Jaemin flinches as he pinches his arm a little. "I wish I was you," D groans. Across the table, Jaehyun chuckles. It hurts.

"I'm not that skinny," Jaemin protests. And then looks down at his plate of food. He didn't eat that much, right? He had taken half a chicken breast and some broccoli. He thought it was a fine portion, but if even 'D' noticed how much he ate, he must still be eating too much.

He needs to eat less. _Pig_, Jaemin chides himself.

-

The next day, Jaemin halves his portions for meals. Somehow, it doesn't make him feel any better though.

He resolves to see a nutritionist. Maybe they'll help.

-

Jaemin fills out the required form for the nutritionist appointment. It's mostly facts about his health, but there is also a week-long food diary needed. Jaemin carefully writes down the details of what he eats each day the week before his appointment and the amount. He chooses to omit the calorie number. Somehow, he doesn't think that would go over well.

The nutritionist is nice, if not a bit brash. Jaemin tries to make himself relax during the appointment but fails miserably, ending up shifting in the chair a lot and fiddling with the hem of his jacket.

"Tell me a bit more about yourself. Your childhood with food, family..." she trails off and looks to Jaemin expectantly. Jaemin thinks, but he can't think of a single place to start. General questions like these have always been hard for Jaemin. Jaemin can feel her gaze on him, head tilted and waiting for his response. And the silence feels _too long_.

Jaemin fiddles with his fingernails. "I'm sorry," he mumbles for the nth time. "Could you ask a more specific question?"

She barks a laugh, startling Jaemin. "Um, okay, sure," she snorts. "What was your relationship with food like growing up with food? Did you eat all your meals with your family?" she asks.

-

He comes away with a bad taste in his mouth. Something about her tone and demeanor offset Jaemin. He didn't feel comfortable with her. But she's the only specialist in town, and Jaemin has to at least try. _One more session_, he tells himself.

-

The next session is a little better. Jaemin almost convinces himself that the sneer and the feeling of discomfort was her was imagined in his overactive mind. Almost.

But then she looks at him and laughs that laugh again, and Jaemin can't help but feel himself want to curl up into a ball and cry.

He stops going.

_So much for getting better_, Jaemin thinks bitterly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehehe short respite from jaemin's pov and a little depth to renjun ... i'll probably stick a jeno chapter later as well to flesh them out more as this has been well, very jaemin heavy on characterization
> 
> also thank you everybody for all the comments, i'm really sorry i didn't have the time or energy to reply to all of you but i promise i read all of them and i deeply appreciate your words

Renjun falls in love with Na Jaemin at the same time he meets Lee Jeno.

Renjun is the new kid there, fresh from China and can barely speak the language. High school is scary. Most people already knew each other and were lifelong friends since preschool. And that was the scariest part, going into a new environment where there's no space for you already.

But Na Jaemin was the one who approached him, and asked if he could sit with _him_. Renjun was cautious at first, but quickly found that Jaemin was nothing but kind and warm, and possibly the friendliest person Renjun's ever met.

Maybe that's where it started. Love at first sight, how cheesy. But Jaemin made quite the good impression on freshman Renjun.

-

It was hard at first, Renjun admits. He only counted Jaemin really as his friend. Donghyuck Mark, and Jeno were Jaemin's friends, and therefore only Renjun's friends by association. They had been with him since middle school. Renjun hadn't.

But slowly and surely, they became Renjun's friends as well. And then Chenle, who was the other Chinese transfer student. And then Jisung as well.

And Renjun wouldn't have it any other way. He's glad and beyond grateful for Na Jaemin, and for the people he's proud of to call his friends. He doesn't know if he'll ever find the way to thank Jaemin for sitting with him, and for reaching out.

-

Renjun and Jeno actually started "dating" right before they go to college.

“Would you like to go out sometime?” Jeno asks, one afternoon, when it's just the two of them. Renjun stiffens.

"Sure," he agrees, despite knowing that this is not the boy he loves.

And they go on a date. And then another. And a few more. And Renjun finds that he doesn't mind spending time with Jeno. He _likes_ Jeno, he really does. But as a friend only. And Renjun's not one to toy with somebody's feelings, so he sits him down and tells him as plain as he could.

"I’m in love with Jaemin,” Renjun confesses.

"Oh," Jeno says, but he doesn’t look sad, or disappointed. Instead, he starts to laugh softly.

Renjun stares at him, puzzled. "What?" he says.

“I am too,” Jeno says. His eyes crinkle as he smiles, Renjun notes. It’s... _endearing_. And then Renjun laughs along with him. Well aren’t they a pair of fools. Of well-matched fools.

It somehow becomes their _thing_, being in love with Jaemin. Renjun and Jeno would go to each other's rooms and talk about how good Jaemin looked that day, or daydream ridiculous scenarios in which they could finally ask him out. What they don't talk about is their feelings for each other, or namely, the way they were "dating."

They hid it from the others, of course. Not that there was much to hide. Their relationship wasn't normal. They didn't hold hands or kiss each other like real couples did.

-

At some point, Renjun felt like something had shifted between them. By that point it was so normal and casual to the two of them now that Renjun had hardly noticed, but it was there.

After long days Jeno would come to _their_ home (_ours_, Renjun thinks, _when did that happen?_) and stretch himself across Renjun's lap where he was reading a book, or maybe working on some assignment. Renjun would smile fondly and place down his book or set aside his laptop and curl his fingers into Jeno's hair. Jeno would smile back up at him, and they'd meet eyes. Maybe Renjun would blush and look away, or maybe he wouldn't.

That's where Renjun would say the shift was. It wasn't always like that. They used to keep their distance. Because in their minds they weren't _really_ dating, were they? They were just friends with a mutual crush who happened to live together and do disgustingly domestic things together too.

Yeah, somewhere along the way, Renjun fell in love with Jeno too. Renjun found himself thinking more and more about the way the sunlight would catch on Jeno's hair, or the curve of his back. He had the rhetoric of Jeno's steps memorized; he could identify him from down the hallway as he came padding into the classroom.

-

_Is it greedy?_ Renjun wonders. To want to have them both. Renjun loves Jeno, and he knows Jeno feels the same way. But yet, he can’t help but still wanting Jaemin too. The three of them. Isn’t it greedy of Renjun? To demand so much love.

They've thought about telling him. But they fear rejection and the loss of Jaemin's friendship. Or even worse; if Jaemin accepted one but rejected the other. It would break them, Renjun's sure of it. They would fight over what they would do, and that would be the end. Renjun and Jeno love each other too much to risk that. So, they stay silent.

Maybe that is where they went wrong. Where they should’ve been shouting their love for Jaemin to the stars, they chose to watch and admire from afar. The way one would appreciate the sun from a safe distance.

_Maybe_, Renjun thinks. Just maybe, that is why they are here now. Renjun swallows as he stares at the white of the hospital walls. Fault is a tricky thing. Is it Renjun's fault? Jeno's? Jaemin's classmates? Renjun doesn't know if there is even an answer, but he does know this: it could never be Jaemin's fault. Demons of the mind always spring from other people's words._ Or lack of_, Renjun muses.

Beside him, Jeno squeezes his hand tighter.

-

Jeno had asked once about the eating. Jaemin had laughed, grinning sunnily, (_blinding_, Renjun thinks), and said, "I could never!" He said. "I love food too much."

But now, having seen him almost 2 years later, it’s painfully obvious. It’s written all over his sunken cheeks and the hollow glaze in his eyes. It’s shown by the way his hands tremble ever so slightly when he thinks Renjun and Jeno weren’t looking. It’s visible when Renjun offers to share a favorite dish of Jaemin's with him and he declines. For the first time. Or at least, for the first time to Renjun's face. Who knows how many times Jaemin has already said "no" while they’ve been gone?

Renjun swallows his concern though, and orders something else. He doesn't want to be smothering to Jaemin. He knows that their absence and return has affected Jaemin. That's not to say that Renjun and Jeno didn't miss him either though. When they moved away, they thought they could get over their feelings for him. Needless to say, they didn't. Their feelings plus the distance created a sense of alienation from Jaemin. It was like a great chasm was between them and neither Jeno and Renjun knew how to bridge it.

"Hey," Jeno says softly, jerking Renjun out of his spiral. "Don't blame yourself," he says.

Renjun bites his lip. "I know," he whispers. "I just..." Renjun doesn't bother finishing the sentence. He can't quite find the words, but Jeno understands anyways.

"I know," Jeno murmurs in return, and snakes an arm around his waist.

-

Leaving Jaemin is hard. Especially since they both want to do so much more. But they had to go back. They had classes to attend, and work to make up.

"Call or text us anytime," Jeno tells Jaemin. "Anytime," he repeats. "I mean it." The corner of Jaemin's lips tug upwards into a fond smile.

"I know," Jaemin says. He doesn't say anything else. Jeno looks towards Renjun subtly.

Renjun coughs to break the silence. "I guess is goodbye then," Renjun says. "For now," he teases. He flashes Jaemin a smile in an effort to cheer him up.

"For now," Jaemin echoes, voice hollow. Renjun swallows the ball that threatens to choke him and blinks rapidly.

"We'll come back," Renjun murmurs, softer this time. "I promise." Promises mean a lot between them. A promise is sacred. Breaking a promise was "unforgivable," in the eyes of their child selves. Renjun chose his words carefully. It was no mistake.

Jaemin recognizes this. His eyes widen. Jeno hadn't heard, already having turned around to start loading their things into the car.

"I—"

"Renjun! Let's go!" Jeno calls, cutting off whatever it was Jaemin was going to say. The moment dies. Jaemin steps back and gives them a cute wave. And then Renjun suddenly feels the presence of the chasm between them again. He frowns and takes a step back towards the car.

"Bye Jaemin," he says, but the car door slams before he can hear Jaemin's response.

The car ride to the airport is silent.


	12. Chapter 12

Eating is such a bore. Jaemin dreads it. It's always the same cafeteria with the same food options and the same contemplation of what to get, what's enough to eat, what should I allow myself to get... It's just so _boring_. Jaemin hates it. He wishes he never had to eat, but he knows better.

He swallows his feelings and slams an apple onto his tray.

-

Recently Jaemin’s filled up rather quickly when he eats. His appetite’s always been small, but now it’s even smaller. It... vaguely concerns Jaemin, but at the same time it pleases him. Now he naturally eats less without forcing himself to, so he happily accepts this new change.

It draws more concern though to his eating. Where he used to eat a measly portion now it was almost nothing. And yet Jaemin would feel as if he were stuffed after a few bites.

"That's all your eating?" Jaehyun says with a frown, staring at Jaemin's tray.

Jaemin shrugs. "I'm not really that hungry," he answers. Jaehyun presses his lips together but doesn't say anything more.

-

Jaemin lost weight, of course. It was never enough though. Not the 20 pounds he’s lost the past months. It’d never be enough. 20, 30, 40... It doesn’t matter. It’ll never be enough to stop the hollow aching feeling inside him. Quite simply, Jaemin will never be enough.

Besides, it's not like the weight loss ever stays long enough for Jaemin to feel a _real_ difference, if he ever was going to. Whatever he loses, he gains back. Maybe in a week, maybe a month. The point is that it never stays. It frustrates Jaemin to no end.

-

Some days Jaemin wishes he could disappear off the face of the Earth. He’ll look up at the tall grey buildings around him and wonder what it would be like to hurl himself off of the ledge. But wait— he knows. He remembers the sinking feeling as he was <strike>flying</strike> (_falling_) through the air. He knows the consequences of what such actions would be, and the pain of waking up in the hospital. Alive. (But Renjun and Jeno were there, they would always be there.)

Jaemin swallows the thoughts in the depths of his mind. The knowledge doesn't change the feeling.

-

Small comments set Jaemin off sometimes. _Of course,_ when his ear decides to tune into the conversation is when they start talking about food and weight. Or maybe it's because Jaemin is always acutely aware of mentions of food or body image. Probably a combination of both.

But Jaemin sits there with a blank look on his face while the people around him will joke about accidentally skipping meals or wanting to exercise because they feel fat. _Do they know?_ Jaemin wonders. In a way, it should comfort him. He's _not_ alone in these self-conscious feelings of his. It makes him feel worse though. The knowledge that there are _other_ people out there like him, but that could be doing it _better_.

Of course, "better" is a relative term to somebody like Jaemin.

-

Renjun and Jeno return to Vernon during the summer.

Donghyuck doesn't. Jaemin's fine with that. Really. He's got Mark after all, it's always Donghyuck and Mark. Mark and Donghyuck. They have each other. Jeno and Renjun have each other. Even Chenle and Jisung have each other. And Jaemin has... Who does Jaemin have?

Jaemin has Renjun and Jeno, he supposes. _As friends_, he chides himself. Friends.

Jaemin's more often at Renjun and Jeno's place than his own dorm. Staying the dorm just reminds Jaemin more often than not of bad memories and things he'd rather not think about. Renjun and Jeno don't mind.

-

They rented out the same apartment that they stayed in when they visited him during the Winter. Jaemin recognizes the building as the trio walks up to it and up to the third floor.

"Same place?" he asks.

Jeno nods. "We asked them to hold it for us," he says. _Hold it?_ Jaemin wonders. The statement strikes something odd in Jaemin's mind, but he brushes the feeling aside.

"Oh," he says simply. Jeno stares at him, head tilted, and for once Jaemin can't really tell what he's thinking. He hates it. Jaemin averts his gaze instead, pretending he can't acutely feel Jeno's presence beside him.

Jeno doesn't say anything either. He opens the door wordlessly. Somehow, he still knows what Jaemin needs, even when Jaemin doesn't know it.

Inside is nicer than Jaemin remembers. There's a new paint job on the walls and a complete set of furniture. It looks... homey. Like a place that they would live in. But why would they go to all this effort when it's little more than a summer home?

"Do you like it?" Jeno asks, and Jaemin briefly wonders why his opinion even matters.

"Yeah," Jaemin says. His voice cracks on the end of the word. "It's really nice," he says.

Renjun chooses that moment to pop his head out of the bedroom. "Jaemin!" he says, perking up. Renjun rushes over and gives him a light squeeze. "I'm just about to run out and get some groceries. You need anything?" he says, looking at Jaemin.

Jaemin blinks. It's their apartment, why would they need to keep food for him here? "I'm good, thanks," he says. Renjun nods.

"Alright, I'll be back soon," he says. The door clicks softly closed behind him.

Jaemin shuffles awkwardly, unsure of what to do or say anymore.

"Let's watch some TV," Jeno suggests.

Jeno and Jaemin settle down on the couch to watch a rerun episode of some TV show they used to watch a while ago. It stirs up old memories. This time, the good kind. The kind that brings a smile to your face at the same time that it can pull tears from your eyes.

About halfway through, it strikes Jaemin. Why _did_ they hold the apartment? For Jaemin? For summer visits? For some other ulterior reason? Jaemin spares a quick glance at Jeno. He's totally absorbed in the show, despite probably knowing every line of this episode by heart. Jeno must've noticed Jaemin staring at him, because he paused the TV.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Yeah," Jaemin says. It's not completely a lie. Jeno tilts his head, but doesn't break eye contact with Jaemin. "I have a question though," he says.

"Oh?"

"Why did you hold the apartment?" he blurts before he can stop himself. Jeno seems surprised at the question, like it would be unquestionable. Their return.

Jeno hesitates before answering. "Well, we wanted to have a place back here so we could visit more often." The _visit you_ goes unsaid. "And besides, I got a job here, so it's gonna be way more convenient th—" Jeno stops talking abruptly. The admission seems to surprise even Jeno, who pulls a face. Like a child who accidently spilt a secret they were supposed to keep. Jeno never was the best at concealing what he was feeling.

"You're moving back?" Jaemin asks, eyes wide. Jeno's eyes flick towards the door.

"I... wasn't supposed to tell you yet," he admits bashfully. "But we...” Jeno hesitates. “Wanted to be closer to you,” he says. Jeno flashes him a smile, but not his usual one. It’s... timid almost.

Jaemin gives him a small smile that he hopes is reassuring. “Really?” he says. He squeezes Jeno's hand. Of course, he wants them to be back here, with Jaemin. It’s all he ever wanted these past years. But... they have a life in Halston. Friends there. They’ve started their future careers there. And now they’re all about to uproot that because Jaemin couldn’t keep it together. Why couldn’t he just be _fine_? Why is he so—

“Hey,” Jeno rushes. “No no no, none of that. It’s not because of that, okay?” Jeno brushes a hand against Jaemin's cheek, catching a falling drop. And Jaemin realizes he’s crying.

He sniffles and wipes his eyes. “I'm sorry,” he says. He can't even make it through a basic conversation without crying. How weak is he. Jaemin releases Jeno's hands.

Jeno smiles, all tender and softness and round edges. “There’s no reason to be sorry,” he says.

_Yes there is_, Jaemin thinks. You’re about to uproot your lives. All because of me. But he doesn’t argue. Instead, he lets Jeno pull him onto his lap. Jeno cards his fingers gently through his hair. It feels good, relaxing. Jaemin can hear Jeno humming some tune. Jaemin sighs, content and burrows himself closer to Jeno.

Jeno doesn’t protest, and continues to stroke Jaemin's head. Jaemin feels his eyelids start to droop, and he barely has time to think about the possible consequences of Renjun coming back and seeing this before he’s out.

-

When Jaemin wakes up, Renjun is there too. He’s curled up into a small ball that makes him look so cute and tiny, pressed up against where Jaemin and Jeno are intertwined.

Jaemin's first thought is: Oh god, he came back and saw Jaemin cuddling with Jeno.

_Was he jealous?_ Jaemin wonders. Jaemin stares at Renjun's still sleeping figure. He’s not so sure. Renjun would’ve probably thrown Jaemin off of Jeno and onto the floor if he really disliked it. He could've come in here and woken Jaemin up, and told him to go sleep somewhere else.

But instead he came in and decided to... to curl up with both of them.

Jaemin's not sure what that means. Sure, they’ve done it plenty before, as _friends_. But this feels different, somehow. Maybe because they’re older. Maybe because Renjun and Jeno are dating. Maybe it's because of how Jaemin feels.

There’s too many maybes for this situation for Jaemin's liking. He likes facts. Numbers. Possibilities and the endless options stress him out more often than not.

Jaemin carefully extracts himself from where Jeno's wrapped his arms around him and where Renjun's leaning heavily onto his legs. He gently lies Renjun back down onto Jeno and sneaks into the kitchen area.

_If they wake up_, he tells himself,_ I'll just say I got hungry_. He takes out a mug and starts the coffee machine. It whirrs to life, a quiet humming noise as it heats up. Soon, the aroma of coffee fills the kitchen. It's pleasant, and feels strangely domestic, to be making coffee with their coffee maker in their apartment that they live together in. Together, without Jaemin. Another reminder that there is no place in their life for Jaemin. Jaemin sighs, so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't notice when Jeno sneaks up behind him.

"You left us," Jeno whines. He wraps his arms around Jaemin's waist, lifting him off the floor slightly.

"I—I didn't want to wake you," Jaemin stutters.

Jeno hums. "Come back?" he asks, nuzzling his face into the crook of Jaemin's neck. Jaemin feels his face start to heat up.

"I, um—"

"Hey."

It's Renjun. He's standing in the kitchen entrance, a similar sleepy expression on his own face. His hair is all ruffled cutely, sticking up in various directions. "Why're you having fun without me," he grumbles. He shuffles over to the two of them. Jaemin barely has time to process what's happening before Renjun drapes himself over Jeno and Jaemin, essentially turning them into a big, standing, cuddle pile.

Jaemin flusters, unsure of what to do. He's still holding the coffee he made. He rubs his thumb against the handle of the mug. "I should, uh, probably get going?" he squeaks out.

"Why?" Renjun asks, peering at Jaemin's face. "You got somewhere to be?"

Jaemin pauses. He doesn't. It's the weekend. "No?" he answers.

"So stay," Jeno says. He takes the coffee cup from Jaemin's hands and places it on the counter as Renjun drags him out of the kitchen. Jaemin expects them to stop at the couch, where they'd probably all curl up again. But Renjun keeps going, further into their apartment. And Jaemin realizes that he's taken him to their _bedroom_. They have a big bed, big enough for the three of them to lie comfortably. Jaemin stares at it, wide-eyed.

"Oh," Renjun says, noticing his reaction. His demeanor shifts entirely, going from grumpy-cuddly to soft and worried. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. If you want, we can—"  
"No," Jaemin says. "It's fine." He reaches out to run a hand over the fluffy quilt they have draped at the end of the bed. "I don't mind," he whispers.

Renjun bobs his head. "Alright," he says.

Jeno appears a moment later. "Bed," he mumbles, and flops face down on the bed. Renjun laughs softly and sits down beside him. He swings his legs onto the bed and curls up beside Jeno. Jaemin wonders if they do this often, laying with each other. They look so happy, even now. Renjun has this fond look on his face while watching Jeno roll around on the bed like a cat. It's so soft and tender and _personal_. It makes Jaemin wonder if he should be here to see it. Maybe—

"Jaemin?" Renjun says, startling him out of his thoughts. Renjun pats the empty spot beside him on the bed. Jeno's sitting up now. Jaemin realizes they're _waiting_ for him to join them. He swallows his fears and tentatively crawls onto the bed beside them. He leaves a few inches between him and Renjun.

Renjun doesn't have any of that. He swings a confident arm around Jaemin's waist and yanks him in closer. Close enough that Jaemin can smell Renjun's shampoo. It smells of cinnamon and new books and warm spices and _home_. It feels like home.

"No thinking," Renjun murmurs. So for them, Jaemin stifles his hopes and fears and quells the ever racing stream of thoughts inside his head and just allows himself to _be_ with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the fluffiest thing i've ever written
> 
> i hope you enjoyed ur fluff


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a little late but happy holidays everyone and soon to be happy new year! thank you for all the well wishes and comments, i am doing better myself due to several reasons :)
> 
> i wanted to get this chapter out since i'm going to scotland and i'll be away for ~4ish days so i won't be able to write in that time

This time, Jaemin's the last one to wake up. Renjun and Jeno are long gone, given that their spots of their bed were cold. But Jaemin doesn't worry for long, as he can hear the soft murmur of their voices from outside the bedroom. He forces himself to stand and pads outside.

Renjun is sitting on the couch, while Jeno is cooking what appears to be pancakes. Renjun catches sight of Jaemin first, lighting up. "Morning," he says. Jaemin grumbles. Renjun wordlessly passes him a mug with coffee. It smells good. He takes a sip, and realizes that Renjun still remembers how he likes his coffee. _Warm_, Jaemin thinks.

"Jeno's making pancakes," Renjun says. Jaemin nods, processing. Pancakes aren't too bad.

"You sleep well?" Renjun asks.

"Yeah," he says. "Your bed is nice."

Renjun chuckles. "I—"

"Pancakes are done!" Jeno yells, and presents them both with their own plate of steaming pancakes. It smells good, like warmth and butter. Jaemin's practically salivating by the time he's picked up his own utensils.

To his left, Jeno's already dug in. Renjun's eating at a slightly slower pace, but not for dislike of the food. Jaemin hates that his mind can't shake out of old habits even now.

He picks up his fork and shoves a bite in his mouth.

-

Jaemin leaves the apartment with leftovers to store in his mini fridge back in the dorm, or to give away if he saw fit. Not that he had anybody to give them too. Maybe Jinwoo would appreciate the gesture, but he doubted it.

Surprisingly, Jinwoo was there when he got back to the dorm.

"Where were you?' he asks.

"Why do you care," Jaemin says curtly. He never cared before, so why would he start now?

"I don't," Jinwoo admits. "But I can't have you taking a swan dive off the roof again. Would ruin this school and ergo my career." Jaemin feels like a stone lodged itself in his throat. "Got it?" Jinwoo says, but it comes out forced. Like a pitiful attempt at being brave. Jaemin can already tell that Eunsae put him up to this. Jinwoo never had the same backbone for cruelty like Eunsae did though, so it just makes Jaemin sad.

"Yeah," he says softly. "I'll try not to." Jaemin reaches for his door and pulls it closed behind him.

-

_Things will be different this year,_ he promises himself. Jaemin moves out of his dorm with Jinwoo and into Renjun and Jeno's apartment. He packs all his belongings into a small box and quietly closes his door behind him. All the lights are already turned off. The place is practically empty. Jaemin's not sure where Jinwoo went, but it doesn't really matter to him. He doesn't care.

This was the last time he goes to the dorms.

Classes weren't so bad. Jaemin tried harder at improving his photography. He returned to hanging around Mr. Moon's room, decidedly ignoring the startup of whispers around him. Mr. Moon was elated to see him again, welcoming him back with a warm smile, and making Jaemin wonder why he ever left.

He takes photos. He creeps around the school, almost unnoticed by the crowd, camera in hand. _Stalker,_ they take to calling him. It's better than what they used to call him though. This time, it's easier to ignore the whispers of words that follow him. It's easier because now he has Renjun and Jeno, _here_, to help chase them away when they haunt him at night. _Make it through the day_, Jaemin tells himself, over and over again. _Then you can see them._ He clutches his camera tighter.

At nights, he'll sleep in the guest room usually. Occasionally they'll ask for him to join them, on nights where they can tell he's particularly sad (particularly, because Jaemin's _always_ sad, but there's no fixing that). Jaemin would refuse most of the time, trying to head off to skulk in his room alone but they'll drag him out like they always do. Refusing to give up. _Stubborn_, Jaemin thinks fondly. _Loving_, is another word for it.

-

Jaemin takes pictures of almost everybody on campus. Quite a few are of Jaehyun and of his friends. Mostly because Jaemin considers him an almost friend, and because they're the people who mind the least being photographed.

Of all the people he's photographed, he's never taken a picture of Eunsae or Jinwoo. Sometimes they're friends are caught in the background of his photos, faint blurs of motions or faces, but never them.

Jaemin catches Eunsae one day, alone. She doesn't see him, or if she did, she didn't acknowledge him. Strange, for her. Jaemin's camera was around his neck, like always. He raises it, almost on instinct, and takes a photo.

There's a photography project due soon. The theme is friendship. Jaemin almost laughs because of the irony. In the end, he submits three photos for it.

The first depicts Jaehyun with his friends. A simple photograph, but it emits warmth to Jaemin. Jaehyun is smiling cheekily, face turned towards one of his friends. His eyes are crinkled as he's mid-laugh. The people around him are blurred, but you don't need to see their faces to understand their happiness.

The second one is the shot of Eunsae Jaemin snuck. Her back is to the camera, so all that could be identifying of her is her short hair. Her head is slightly bent towards the ground. The hallway around her is empty, devoid of any sign of life or other people. She's alone in the frame.

The last one is actually not taken by Jaemin. It was taken by Renjun, on his phone. Jaemin had to get it pre-approved before he could submit it. The quality is worse, given the difference between Renjun's phone and Jaemin's almost professional quality DSLR. Like the last one, Jaemin and Jeno's backs are to the camera. In fact, almost all of them are hidden by the couch they're sitting on together. Their silhouettes are softly backlit by the glow of the TV in front of them, which is too blurry to make out what they're watching. Jaemin's head is leaning on Jeno's shoulder. Jaemin's glad you can't tell who's who in the photo, or else he wouldn't have enough courage to submit it. It's an intimate moment, if Jaemin could dare call it that.

_Retribution,_ Jaemin titles it. Not many people would understand, which was okay. They didn't need to.

Jaemin gets an A on the project.

-

Renjun actually took two photos that night. Jeno and Jaemin were both fast asleep, so Renjun couldn't resist. They both looked adorably _soft_ all wrapped up next to each other. Renjun bent down next to them and places a light kiss on both their cheeks before taking a selfie with their sleeping forms.

Renjun didn't show this one to Jaemin.

Jeno however, simply laughed and told Renjun to save it for their wedding. He then walked away, leaving a stunned Renjun. _Wedding???_ Renjun's mind went on repeat.

"Wait, Jeno!" he yelled. But the stupid idiot had already left the apartment.

-

Later that night, Jeno challenges Jaemin to a round of Mario Kart, something Jaemin hasn't played in a while.

"I haven't played in a long time," Jaemin warns him, while he's booting it up.

"It's fine," Jeno says. "Neither have I." _It's different though_, Jaemin thinks. The last time he played was when Donghyuck was still here and they were all together.

Jeno wins, of course. Jaemin suspects he and Renjun have probably played sometime while they were in Halston. Jaemin places in a middle 6th place.

"Not bad," Jeno says.

"It's no first place," Jaemin says, staring as Jeno's character holds up his trophy. Jaemin chuckles. Jeno's always been talented. More so than Jaemin was at anything. Jaemin almost stands to go get himself a glass of water before he notices the source of warmth around his hand.

Jeno's holding his hand. Holy shit. Jaemin's mind screeches to a halt. _Jeno is holding my hand! _Alarms and sirens go off in Jaemin's head. _What do I do?_ he wonders. _If I pull away, he might think something is wrong. Which is the opposite of what Jaemin was feeling right now. Do I just pretend I don't notice it? Or what if he thinks I'm ignoring him? Maybe I—_

"You okay?" Jeno asks, smiling warmly. He squeezes his hand lightly.

Jaemin swallows back the urge to cry or scream. "Yeah," he says. "I'm good. Really, good."

In the end, Jeno has to release his hand as he stands to go to the bathroom. When he comes back, he doesn't move to hold Jaemin's hand again, and neither does Jaemin.

-

Jeno doesn't mention the hand-holding incident, so Jaemin doesn't bring it up either. But this just left more questions in Jaemin's mind. Why did Jeno hold his hand? Maybe it was an accident? Maybe Jeno just happened to place his hand on top and around of Jaemin's own, and didn't notice until he stood up. Maybe he did it out of habit because Mario Kart was some couple-y thing he did with Renjun? In that case Jaemin should apologize to Renjun. But what if Renjun doesn't know? Is hand-holding considered cheating?

Jaemin's aware he's probably over thinking it, like always, but that doesn't stop the avalanche that is his thought process.

-

Things just get worse when Renjun attempts to hold his hand. It's a spur of the moment thing. Jaemin barely has time to register who it was before he yanks his hand out of Renjun's grasp. Renjun blinks at him, before apologizing.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Renjun says. Jaemin stares back at him. Words fail to come to him. _Say something_, he urges himself. _Anything_.

"I'm just used to—you know—with Jeno," Renjun gestures vaguely.

_Oh_, Jaemin thinks. Of course. "Sorry," Jaemin says.

"It's not—You don't have to be sorry," Renjun says. _I do_, Jaemin thinks.

-

The fact that _Jaemin_ shouldn't be there only becomes more apparent as the year progresses. There's no room for him in their relationship. Jaemin already knew this before they returned, so why was he so foolish to hope that there _was?_

Things are awkward. It's his fault, he knows. Renjun and Jeno are already in an established relationship. Jaemin was the one who burst into their life with his mental issues and demanded they give him their time and love. Who was he to do that? What had _he_ ever done for them? Jaemin shook himself. He didn't need to be such a burden on them.

Jaemin's not a fool. Of course, he knows that they care about him and are more than willing to help him, but what about their lives? They already moved here for _him_. What else would they sacrifice for Jaemin? Jaemin won't have it anymore. He doesn't want them to destroy their lives any further for just Jaemin. He's not worth it.

"Jaemin?" It's Renjun. He knocks on the bathroom door softly. "Are you okay? You've been in there a while." _Stupid_, Jaemin's mind whispers harshly. _Don't waste your time and concern on me._

"I'm fine," Jaemin says.

"Alright," Renjun says. "Dinner's on the table," he says, before walking away. Jaemin waits until his footsteps are far away before he closes the bathroom cupboard. For a moment, he almost wished that Renjun would come back.

He doesn't.

Jaemin leaves the bathroom without further prompting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: is this fluffy? i think it's fluffy  
the story: somehow turns angsty again  
me: well, shit
> 
> i didn't plan on making it sad at the end, i swear ghksdjlc


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buckle yourselves in, jaemin's a Mess.
> 
> tw; self harm, nothing graphic

Meal times are awkward, to say the least. Renjun and Jeno had cooked dinner for him, and Jaemin can barely bring himself to eat it. It's a meal he _should_ like, but it's just too much. Jaemin nonetheless brings the fork to his mouth again, despite the way his hand is shaking.

"Jaemin?" Renjun asks, noticing. Because of course he'd noticed something was amiss. Isn't there something always wrong with Jaemin nowadays?

Jaemin shakes his head. He doesn't know when it got so _bad_, to the point where he can barely eat dinner without feeling panic rise inside of him.

"I'm sorry," he wheezes, burying his face in his hands. He can hear Jeno stop eating, and all he can think of is how he's ruining the lovely dinner they had planned.

"Jaemin," Renjun soothes, running a hand through his hair. "It's okay," he says. "But please, eat a few more bites?"

Jaemin's stomach throbs, a reminder of his hunger. But the pain, the feeling of his muscles shaking as he struggles to stand, it feels _good _to Jaemin. He hates being full. It feels like he's being stretched and bloated it. It makes him feel disgusting.

Jaemin manages to down a fourth of the plate. He ignores the way his heart pangs at the sight of Jeno scraping the mass amount of leftovers into a tupperware for later.

-

Neither Renjun or Jeno try to hold his hand again. Jaemin isn't sure how he feels about that. There's a few times where Jeno would _almost_ reach out, but he'll stop himself. Jaemin wonders if he did something wrong. Maybe he read it wrong? It must've really been a mistake. Jaemin can't help but hurt a little at that. Do they really dislike him so much that they can't bear to try again?

Maybe he's just so transparent that it's almost like _he's_ not the one there; a stand in for the other person.

Either way, Jaemin knows for sure his feelings are requited. All the more reason to try and bury them.

-

Jaemin makes an effort to stay outside of their flat more. He lingers around Jaehyun's group, mostly because he doesn't know anybody else. It's too late in school to try and make new friends anyways. Jaemin's almost done with college. A scary thought. Four years in this place and he barely met people. Did he even make progress in his photography? How is he supposed to get a job, when he probably won't remember what he learned here?

_Thoughts for the future_, Jaemin thinks.

-

_Transparent_, is what Jaemin thinks of himself. Not in the normal sense that people would use it. No, his feelings and heart are now well protected by the walls he's erected around himself.

Jaemin's like a ghost, almost. He's got nothing left of himself. A see-through boy with no soul. Maybe if Renjun and Jeno squinted they could see the remnants of the person Jaemin used to be. But Jaemin today is so different from Jaemin of high school, it makes him wonder if that person ever really existed.

-

Everything starts to go downhill when he bangs his head on the cabinet door. It leaves a nasty bruise on his forehead, which soon purples into varying shades.

Jaemin finds himself with a weird fascination for the bruise. It doesn't hurt anymore, but the skin is sore to touch. It hurts more if Jaemin presses on it. Jaemin presses his fingertips into his skin, and watches as the purple skin turns white from pressure.

It hurt, but in a good way. Like the way you felt after going to a chiropractor. A kind of healing hurt. It reminds him of the pain of an empty stomach.

It gives him an idea.

-

Jaemin eats more. He tries to adjust his stomach to the feeling of being more than halfway full. It's a distressing feeling at first, making Jaemin want nothing more than to vomit everything up even though he knows he can't.

But the glowing smiles of Renjun and Jeno are worth it, as they watch him eat half of dinner that night. Jaemin smiles back, almost as if to say _See, I'm getting better. It's okay._

-

Bruises aren't permanent anyways. It's not like cuts, which can scar and leave marks. Bruises are impermanent. They fade and go away.

Jaemin finds himself poking and prodding at every motley blend of green or purple that he can find on his skin. He wonders if the lack of nutrients makes him more prone to bruising. It's kind of exciting.

-

Of course, Jaemin can't just show up around Renjun and Jeno with a massive amount of bruises all over and not expect them to ask questions. Fortunately, Jaemin's prepared answers. He feels bad about lying to them, but it's necessary. They'd worry about him, and he doesn't want them to do that. Renjun's already stressed about this upcoming paper for his online course. Jeno has enough on his plate as well. They don't need _him_ adding more needless stress. Jaemin can deal.

"What happened?" Renjun asks, fingers dancing around the darkening skin on his arm.

"I tripped," Jaemin says. Renjun frowns, but doesn't argue. Instead, he leans over and presses a tender kiss to the bruised flesh.

"Be careful, okay?" he says. Jaemin nods, wordless. After Renjun leaves, he brings up a hand to touch at the bruise. It's sore to touch at, but Jaemin can't stop thinking about how it didn't hurt when Renjun kissed it. _Gentle,_ Jaemin thinks. _And beyond kind._

All the more reason that they don't need to worry.

-

The unfortunate thing about bruises is that it's significantly harder to make a bruise on oneself than to cut one's flesh open. Which means, Jaemin has to get creative. One can only fake trip so many times without people around them wondering if your legs are broken.

Which brings Jaemin to where he is now. Standing in the school bathroom, staring at the sink. Bruising his head is less then optimal. He doesn't want brain damage. Besides, it's too visible. Jeno and Renjun will definitely notice if he goes back with a whopping bruise on his face. And then they'll ask questions and worry.

So, hands? Jaemin looks down at his hands. Also a risk, he needs his fingers for working his camera. Punching something runs the risk of him accidently breaking a finger, as he's not exactly someone who knows how to make a proper fist.

Jaemin glances at his phone. He's running out of time before next period. Without thinking too much, he brings his knee up and rams it into the wall as hard as he can.

Pain explodes from his knee-cap, and Jaemin dimly wonders if it shattered. He brings it up to examine, hissing as he rolls up his pant leg. Gratefully, there's nothing underneath. Not even a cut. Jaemin sighs in relief. It's fine because he's not bleeding. It won't scar, just hopefully leave an ugly bruise.

Jaemin rolls down his pant leg and makes it out of the bathroom in time for his next class.

-

The next day, Jaemin witnesses a group of sophomores beating up a freshman. Before he knows it, he's in front of the them and getting his back and stomach kicked in. The bullies run off, not caring to stay around and take in the damage done.

"Thank you," they manage, bowing their head. _They're grateful_, Jaemin realizes. He almost laughs at the irony. They think Jaemin helped them because he wanted to do good, where in reality Jaemin only stepped in because he knew the bullies would create more bruises for Jaemin. It's a selfish desire.

"Try not to get into more trouble," Jaemin says instead. They stutter out more "thank you's" before scurrying off.

-

Fights were never Jaemin's thing, but they apparently are now. Some of the loner kids take to calling him 'savior.' The truth is that he's the furthest thing from that. He's only doing it because it satisfies his masochistic needs.

It doesn't help that those lonely kids remind him of himself, freshman year of college. Lonely, and with nobody to help them.

As Jaemin limps back to Renjun and Jeno's apartment, the words _self-harm_ float around in his head. Jaemin scoffs. It's not self-harm if it's other people doing it to you.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> or in which norenmin have a lot of headassery coming up  
poor fools, but they'll be okay in the end


	15. Chapter 15

Sometimes Jaemin just doesn't feel like eating much. Not because of an active want to _not_ eat per se anymore, but rather he's too tired. It's so much effort, eating. Every time Jaemin walks into the cafeteria he gets a wash of dread. He'd rather just not. It would be so much easier to go back to the apartment and curl up in a ball. Unfortunately, sustenance is necessary. And it provides the needed escape from the apartment which has become awkward as of lately.

Jaemin trudges through the different lines. It's such a pain having to pick out a meal every day. Jaemin's slightly picky, so it starts to get repetitive. But how can he balance being "healthy" with what he wants to eat versus things he's sick of eating?

See, this is why it'd just be easier to starve. It'd be easier to just waste away until he was nothing but skin and bones. Some days now Jaemin doesn't even feel hungry. Or he'll eat a few bites and then feel so full he can hardly bring himself to eat more.

-

Renjun and Jeno invite Jaemin out to dinner one night. They probably want to discuss whatever caused the tension between the three of them, which wasn't going to end well. Maybe they wanted to kick Jaemin out of their apartment, but he knows they won't do that. They're too kind for that. Even if Jaemin was the most horrible asshole they wouldn't kick him out like that. Because they know he'd have nowhere to go.

They take him to a ramen restaurant. It's nice. Jaemin orders a bowl of pork ramen. It smells good when it arrives. Jeno and Renjun fill the air with ample small talk, both of them knowing he's not good at that sort of thing.

They're also both so obviously waiting for a chance to talk about _it_. It, probably being the occurrences of hand holding. Or maybe they (finally) caught onto Jaemin's not so subtle feelings towards them. Was he too clingy? Not clingy enough? Did they catch him staring at them?

The possibilities are dizzying, and Jaemin wants nothing more than to avoid whatever conversation they want to have. The conversation will _change_ them. It'll change their dynamic, even though it's already been damaged by Jaemin's feelings and Jaemin in general. But the possibility of further change scares Jaemin more already than the cracks that are already seeping through their relationship.

The door of the restaurant swings open. Cold air seeps in. Jaemin shivers, they're seated too close to the doors for his taste. He can't see who walked in due to the height of the booths they're seated in. Not that it really matters anyways. He refocuses on Jeno across from him when a face catches his eye.

It's Jaehyun. And the rest of his group of friends. They walk by, not pausing as they pass by their booth. He almost makes out to call out and say _Hi_, but they're all talking animatedly to each other, obviously not caring about the people around them. Not that they should, of course. Nothing much to see.

Jaemin's not sure what worse. That they didn't appear to see him and therefore didn't notice his presence, or that he didn't have to deal with the embarrassment of his presence being there when he was so obviously not invited to dinner with them.

"We need to go," Jaemin hisses to Renjun.

He frowns. "Why?" he asks.

Jaemin shakes his head. "Please," he says.

At first, he thinks they’ll protest. "Let’s at least finish our food," they could say. But of course they know. They understand, because that's who they are. And they don't waver in their decision as they flag down the waiter and ask for the check

"Alright," Renjun says.

In the end, they never got to discuss what Renjun and Jeno so obviously wanted to talk about. When they got back to the apartment, Jaemin retreated into his guest room and holed himself up. Whatever disastrous consequences possibly lay after that conversation would have to wait. After all, it couldn't happen if Jaemin didn't allow it to.

-

The crux of Jaemin's issue with seeing Jaehyun at the restaurant didn't lie within him not wanting to talk to them, despite that being what he believed. But rather it was because they hadn't invited him out with them. Jaemin considers himself "friends" with them. He hung out with them a lot, which in hindsight was mostly due to his inability to hide inside Renjun and Jeno's apartment anymore.

But nonetheless, it hurt to see them all hanging out. Because he truly _wanted_ them to also be his friends, and he wished they had at least thought of inviting him. Maybe that was selfish though. They don't need to invite him to everything. It's not like Jaemin's the most interesting person to be around. He just... wished that people prioritized him. He wanted somebody else to _want _to be his friend. To actively want to be around him and invite him places. It's not that Renjun and Jeno aren't enough, but to have gone through four years here and barely have made a friend? It stings.

-

In the end, all it takes is Jaemin getting one stray bruise on his face for the whole facade to come crashing down.

It's Renjun who catches him. "What happened there?" he asks.

"Huh?"

Renjun gestures towards his face. "Oh," Jaemin says. He reaches up to touch at the bruise. _Shit,_ he thinks. He thought he was being careful about where those punches were landing. Turns out it's a little harder to control where other people are hitting you than expected.

"Oh, it's um—nothing really," he says, trying to come off as nonchalant and failing spectacularly Way to play it cool.

Renjun tilts his head. He didn't buy it. "What happened?" he presses. Jeno and Renjun rarely pry when Jaemin doesn't want to. They know it just leads to him clamming up even _more_ if they do. Renjun must be really concerned to keep at it.

"It's nothing," Jaemin says. "An accident." Renjun takes a step forward and raises a hand, almost as if to touch his face, but he doesn't.

He drops his hand. "Are you sure?" he says.

"Yeah," Jaemin says. "It's silly."

"Promise?" Renjun says.

Jaemin hesitates. One lie won't kill him. "I promise," Jaemin says. Renjun smiles, looking relieved. All Jaemin can feel is guilt as he smiles back.

-

Jaemin didn't mean to eavesdrop, really. He just happened to walk by, and _hear_.

"... at school?" Jeno said.

Renjun makes a noise of affirmation. "I'm worried," he says.

Jeno's voice is more muffled. He must be further inside their room. Jaemin can barely make out what he's saying. "

Eunsae? Jaemin's sure he never mentioned her name to them. So how would they...

"We should do something," Renjun says definitively. It's his "no bullshit" voice. The one where you can_ hear _his determination. That's just who he is. Stubborn, and won't back down if he doesn't believe in it. Which means, Jaemin has hardly any chance of talking Renjun out of whatever it is he wants to do. Speak to Eunsae maybe? Jaemin shudders. It's best if they didn't.

The door cracks open. Jaemin scrambles away from the door, managing to trip himself (on accident this time) and land flat on his face.

"Jaemin," Jeno says, surprised. He reaches over to help him up. "You okay?"

Jaemin nods. "I'm fine," he says, and smiles. He presses a hand to his forehead. He wonders if it'll bruise. If it does, he'll start to look a little _too_ beat up to be able to fly under people's radars.

From the doorway to their room, Renjun is staring at him.

-

The problem as Jeno sees it is that nobody is _talking_ to each other anybody. Not literally, of course. Everyone is still on speaking terms, but they don't say what they really mean. Like how Jaemin's eyes are still sad when he proclaims himself to be fine, that it doesn't hurt. Or how when Renjun asks Jeno to stay he means _I love you._

It's frustrating. Jeno can see Jaemin pulling away, and he knows somewhere in there there must've been a miscommunication between the two. Renjun's not invincible. He has his insecurities too. He's afraid of being scorned, of destroying their friendship.

It might be too late for the latter part though. Jeno just stands by on the sidelines, watching as it falls to tatters. He feels helpless, almost. What _can _he do? He tried to make them all talk. The restaurant was his idea, but that ended in ruins. Jaemin practically ran into his room before slamming the door shut, effectively locking them out.

So Jeno just does what he _can_ do. Which is worry. He worries about Jaemin, and the increasing number of bruises on his body. Jaemin probably doesn't notice that Jeno notices, but that's just because he's more discreet with his approach than Renjun, who bluntly asks him what happened.

Jaemin lies, Jeno notes. He's been doing too much of that lately. Not out of malice, he's sure. Something else is there. Something else they also probably need to discuss. All these issues, and yet nobody wants to be the first one to take the first step. All afraid of being the one hurt, the one scorned by the other two. Jeno supposes he's no better. After all, after his first attempt he hasn't made another, has he?

He worries about Renjun, and the way he paces in their bedroom before bed. He worries about the stability of their position here. What are they doing here? Jeno can only support the apartment for so long. Jaemin's on his final legs of college. What comes next? Another topic they need to talk about. Every day the pile of "discussions" they need to have increases, and nobody does anything.

_Tomorrow_, Jeno promises himself. _I'll fix it all_. He has to, after all. He won't let it all go to ruins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the pov switch at the end was confusing? but it seemed a good place to leave off for now, as the next part will be back to jaemin's pov and jeno's section is too short to make a whole chapter out of


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> small tw for suicidal thoughts, nothing graphic

The year is winding down to a close, and Jaemin has a required Entrepreneurship course. The college's way of trying to prepare them all for life afterwards.

Jaemin's the first one in the auditorium. The presenter greets him politely, but doesn't make any more conversation. He pulls out his phone to try to dull the boredom and the fact that he's alone in a huge room.

Eventually, some people start to file in. Jaemin sat too close to the front to be able to see them, and he doesn't want to make a big show of turning around to try and see who it is. So he sits there, and tries to analyze their voices. He doesn't quite recognize any of them.

More people start streaming in. Jaemin recognizes a lot of people, but none of them approach him. In fact, most people go to sit on the other half of the room, where almost all the chairs are filled. Jaemin's almost alone on the other side. There are a few people in the rows behind him, but nobody's bothered to try and sit up front with him.

He wonders if there's something wrong with him. Nobody seems interested in trying to sit by him. And he knows they're probably all just too occupied with their own friends, and not ignoring him out of malice or intent, but it doesn't make it hurt less. That _nobody_, in the room of the whole graduating class, was interested in approaching the lone person.

Jaehyun and his group of friends pass him, and Jaemin hates to admit it, but his heart soars. Jaehyun gives him a small wave. Jaemin greets them all. But they keep walking, and they all sit down one seat away from him, leaving an ugly space of emptiness around him. When Jaemin turns his head, he understands why. Doyoung is there, at the end of the row. They all chose to sit with Doyoung over Jaemin. Of course, that would make sense. Jaemin supposes they're not that close after all.

Jaemin _could_ move over one seat to close the space between him and them, but wouldn't that be awkward? When they so obviously chose _not_ to sit with him? Jaemin swallows his thoughts and turns away from them. It's fine. He doesn't need friends at this point. He's almost out of here. Not long.

It doesn't help at all that he's been avoiding Renjun and Jeno lately, so where he'd usually fill his void of friendships with them is now also empty. The ache in Jaemin's chest just grows, as he watches everyone around him chat happily with their groups of friends.

"Do you want to pass this around?" It's the presenter for the class. They're holding out a clipboard, something akin to pity on their face. Jaemin quickly tries to control his facial expressions. Some of his feelings must've been showing, because why else would they bother to try and talk to him when nobody else was?

"Sure," Jaemin mutters, and fills out his name on the attendance sheet. He passes it to the person next to him without another word.

At this point his nose is burning, and Jaemin's sure nothing would be worse than breaking down right as class starts. He's in the third row from the front. _Everybody_ would notice. And no point in running to the bathroom now, it's too late for that.

Jaemin's always been an ugly crier. There's nothing beautiful or tragic about the way his face flushes, and his nose clogs. He can barely breath. It always feels like he's drowning, gasping for air that won't come. Jaemin isn't a silent crier either. His nose produces an overflow of clear snot which runs down his face in an ugly stream. Then he'll blow his nose until the skin underneath his nose is raw from being rubbed and wiped at. So when he cries, it's always noticed by everybody; making it all the more embarrassing when he feels the urge to cry in the middle of class.

Jaemin bites his tongue. The pain is distracting. Cleansing, almost. It washes away his emotion until all he can think of is _pain_. The wash of pain from his tongue is almost a relief from the burning of tears in his eyes. The taste of the blood in his mouth is better than the drops of water that almost spill onto his desk. It's better than crying during class. Jaemin doesn't want to be the sensitive crybaby anymore. He got called enough of that as a child.

-

Of course, the result of his latent attempt at “recovering” is a little weight gain. Maybe Jaemin's being dramatic; it’s barely 10lbs but it feels like a lot. Suddenly Jaemin feels huge. Jaemin pinches at the fat on his thighs. _Too big_, he thinks. Maybe he was a little underweight before but he thinks he preferred it that way. _It's a cycle_, he dully acknowledges. The yoyo-ing between weights, the constant stretch of his unhealthy eating habits.

He can't bring himself to care too much about it though.

-

Jaemin's one of four people in the classroom waiting for English class to start. He's midway through doodling a random geometrical pattern (It's what he always doodles. He can't really draw anything, so triangles and circles are soothing and easy.) when he's struck by the thought that everyone around him is so _thin_. He suddenly felt acutely aware of how he was probably the fattest person in the room. He sure wasn't the skinniest, he knew that. Jaemin took a quick glance around and examined their legs: they’re all so slim. And tall.

That was Jaemin's issue. He was too short (_stout_, his mind supplied). It makes it harder for him to look skinny.

Jaemin leaned his head against the desk and tried to pretend that the thoughts racing through his mind didn't exist

-

The stench of oil in the cafeteria nauseates him. He’s so hungry, but he doesn't want to eat. At least, not this food. Everything's so _unhealthy_ and greasy. Jaemin's mind is too preoccupied with numbers and values.

He grabs two bananas before fleeing the cafeteria.

He silently seethes on his way to somewhere remote, where nobody could watch him eat his two bananas in silence. He's perfectly aware of what's happening. He's self-isolating, retreating back into bad habits. The fact that he doesn't care or want to stop it makes him even angrier.

All Jaemin can think of as he eats his first banana is how much he fucking hates himself.

-

He wishes someone would notice him. He wondered if people would be concerned if he didn't eat anything at meals. If they’d really be persuaded by a light smile and an _I’m fine!_ If they’d try and push, or just let it lie.

Probably the latter, because if Jaemin's being real nobody in this school gives a shit about him.

-

Jaemin dreams again about killing himself. He was about to leave the apartment building with Renjun and Jeno, when he suddenly turned around and ran towards the roof of the building. He then flung himself off the top, only his hands on their own accord reached back and grabbed the ledge. Jaemin remembers feeling the sensation of dangling, fingers gripping the concrete ledge.

It makes sense he'd kill himself in his dreams. After all, it's the only place he can because he's too much of a fuckin coward to even try in real life. _Shut the fuck up_, Jaemin yells harshly at the voice in his head.

-

Sometimes during the day Jaemin daydreams about what it’d be like to kill himself and succeed this time. Would he tell someone beforehand? A last cry for help before he pushed himself off the ledge? Or would he leave a note? He doesn't bother wondering with the gory details. He’s sure he’d find a way, perhaps with drugs or a high building. He has plenty of access to both.

Mostly, he wonders about people’s reactions. Would they be sad? Antipathic? Renjun and Jeno would be devastated he knows. They’re probably the only reason he hasn’t tried again, so far. Jaemin’s already created too many issues in their life. The last thing they need is his dead body added on top.

-

Jaemin comes out of class one day to find Jeno and Renjun. He's halfway into shock when he sees _them_. Eunsae. Jinwoo. Jaemin remembers the conversation from the other day. _No,_ Jaemin thinks. He rushes over there before he could even think of what he was going to do.

Jaemin only catches the last bit of what Jeno is saying.

"—so don't we won't do anything about it," Jeno says. Oh god. They're threatening her. The first thought that crosses his mind is _Why?_ The second is _Shit._

"Calm down," she sneers. "_I'm_ not touching him anymore," Eunsae says, rolling his eyes. "Like I'd dirty my hands with his filth," she mutters the last part, but it was loud enough for all three of them hear. Jaemin tenses as Jeno clenches his fist. Renjun narrows his eyes.

"You should ask _him_," Eunsae spits.

"Jeno," Jaemin says, almost panicking now. He grabs onto Jeno's sleeve. _Let it go,_ Jaemin pleads. Jeno turns back to look at him, and all the hardness in his eyes melt away. He tilts his head, a question. _Are you okay?_

Jaemin swallows. "Let's go," he says. It's the closest Jaemin's ever got to begging.

And just like that the tension snaps. Jeno relaxes, and Renjun starts walking away before they've even said anything.

-

The walk back to the apartment is silent. And Jaemin can't _stand_ it anymore. Whatever's happening between the three of them has already changed everything. Jaemin bites his lip. There's no pretending now. There's no going back from this.

They all sit down wordlessly on the couch.

"Your bruises," Renjun says as soon as Jaemin sits. "Where did they come from?" Jeno flinches, as if Renjun were asking _him_ instead.

There's a lot of ways Jaemin could answer this. He could lie, and tell them it was the fault of other people. He could tell the truth, the _real_ truth. The ugly truth that Jaemin doesn't even want to face. He could not say anything at all. He could run, like he's always done.

"I'm sorry," he says, tongue thick. There are a million more things he wants to say, but none of them seem to be able to find their way out of his throat. I didn't want to burden you anymore. You already deal so much of my shit. _I didn't want to worry you anymore._

Renjun sighs and drags a hand across his face. "You don't need to be _sorry_," he says, voice tight.

"Renjun—"

"There's nothing to be sorry for," he finishes, softer.

Isn't there? Jaemin bites his lip again, aware they're probably horrible looking and chapped. "I won't do it anymore," he says. Something in Renjun changes, like a too full balloon whose air got released.

"I'm the one who should be sorry," Renjun says. His voice is barely above a whisper.

Jeno coughs. "Jaemin," he says. And it's just his name, but the way Jeno says it already conveys so much. Disappointment would be the first emotion Jaemin would fear, but there was none in Jeno's tone. Just, a quiet sadness. Fear... Warmth.

"Our lease will be up soon," he says, folding his hands together. Jaemin's silent. They'll have to leave soon, that means. Of course. He should've known they wouldn't stay here forever. How foolish of him to even _think_ that—

"Come with us," Jeno says.

"What?" Jaemin manages out. It's not what he was expecting. At all. They still want him? They want _him_, to go with them, to hang around them even longer? Jeno must mistake his shock for rejection, as his face falls.

"Please," he near begs. "You don't have to stay here. You can..." Jeno trails off. _Be with us_, Jaemin imagines the end of the sentence to be. It's almost an invitation. Like the perfect letter inviting him to a faraway land where things will be _better_. But he knows Jeno doesn't mean it like that. He can't.

"I..." Jaemin doesn't look them in the eyes. "I can't," he says. Jeno's face falls. Jaemin's heart constricts. No, this is wrong. He doesn't _want _this. He doesn't want to hurt Jeno.

"Wh—"

"I've hurt you," he says. "I keep _hurting_ you. I pushed you away when all you wanted to do was help." Jaemin's squeezes his eyes shut, as if that would stop the tears from falling. "I lied. I lied to you both about everything I possibly could from you and you still insisted on trying to help. And I'll probably just hurt you both again and again and—and I don't want that."

Jaemin reaches up and wipes furiously at the wetness on his cheeks. "Why?" Jaemin asks finally. "Why do you stay?"

And then it’s the terse silence between the three of them, filled only by the sound of Jaemin's sniffling. Jeno’s face is all scrunched up, like he doesn’t know what to say in response. Jaemin wonders if he’s considering lying, placating Jaemin’s fears and insecurities with false words, because that’s the kind of kind person Jeno is. But Jaemin doesn’t want to hear lies, no matter how kind they would be. He almost—_almost _stands up to leave. He could walk out and pretend this never happened. He'd go back to being alone like always.

It was Renjun who broke the silence. "I love you," he says. Three, simple words. And Jaemin's whole world comes crashing down on him. "I've loved you since freshman year of high school," Renjun says.

Jaemin barks a harsh laugh before he can stop himself. "You couldn't have," he says bitterly. "That's when we met."

Renjun smiles, watery and _scared_. "Love at first sight, huh?" he tries to joke, but it falls flat. Renjun inhales, a shaky sound, and presses both palms of his hands into his eyes. "I love you," he repeats. "Jaemin, I—" Renjun cuts himself off with a sob.

"I love you, Jaemin," Jeno finishes for him quietly. He looks up to Jaemin with a soft expression on his face. He reaches out and squeezes Jaemin's hand. "I mean it," he says.

Jaemin inhales. No way. "No," Jaemin says, before he can stop himself. Tears are already flowing down his face, no point in stopping them now. "You can't."

Jeno just smiles, sad and tender. "But I do," he says. And it's all Jaemin needs.

He breaks. Jaemin throws himself at Jeno, who readily catches him. Jeno wraps his arms around him. "I love you," he murmurs again into Jaemin's ear. Behind him, Jaemin can hear Renjun shift, sniffling.

Jaemin inhales, breath hitching. It feels like he can't _breathe_, lungs too small to take in the air he knows he's inhaling. "I—" he shakes. What does he _say_? How could he ever quite describe it? Three words don't feel like enough. He sobs, and buries his face in Jeno's neck.

"We're gonna be okay?" Renjun asks, reaching in to intertwine his hand with Jaemin's.

"Yeah," Jaemin exhales shakily. "We'll be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i hope i did them justice  
this chapter was; long coming
> 
> thank you to everyone who's been commenting! i'm sorry if i haven't replied


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehe sorry for the short chapter, but i couldn't think of more scenes to make it longer and i didn't really think it was necessary. as this is the end of the "vernon" arc! norenmin are finally moving on as a trio, where new challenges lie...
> 
> if anyone's curious, some things that have been happening in my life (feel free to skip straight to reading )  
-talked to my mom about my depression and eating disorder and basically discovered we have the same issues shdgkjlf my mom revealed she's struggled with depression her whole life? which i never knew. and also her eating thing which she doesn't believe she has which is very frustrating, but that's another thing  
-we might be getting a cat sometime soon? i'm quite excited

Jaemin graduates without much fanfare. Mr. Moon hugs him, and tells him he's proud of him. Jaemin might've teared up a bit, but he managed to hold on, passing by misty eyed and with a tinge of wistfulness.

Four years, Jaemin can't believe it. It simultaneously feels like not much happened but yet everything changed. Whatever it is, Jaemin's ready for the next step in his life. This time, he's sure.

Renjun and Jeno come to graduation of course. They cheer him on from the crowd as he accepts his diploma (hardly well-earned he thinks, but he did it). Afterwards, they take a selfie of the three of them; Jaemin in his cap and gown and Renjun and Jeno pressed close on either side.

-

Jaemin doesn't bother to stick around for the graduation party afterwards. Nobody really to say goodbye to anyways. Maybe Jaehyun and his friends, but Jaemin thought it would be awkward, given he could barely list five facts about any of them except Jaehyun.

Renjun and Jeno have already packed their things from the apartment into a rented van. All Jaemin needs to wrap things up here before they can finally _leave_.

I need to grab a few things from my locker," Jaemin says.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Jeno asks.

Jaemin shakes his head. "I'll be quick," he promises. A minute later, he slips away from them and back inside.

It's dark inside, most of the hallway lights having already been turned off. Jaemin probably wouldn't have been able to see much if not for the windows letting bright sunlight in. Everybody's pretty much already left, except for stragglers like Jaemin. Stray locker doors have been left open, swinging slightly. It's strange to see the halls so empty. It just drives home the point that it's... over. It's really over. Jaemin spent four years inside these halls, and he can't think of a single memory he'd like to reminisce.

_No good in remaining in the past_, he reminds himself. He steers himself towards his locker. Honestly, there's not much inside. A few papers Jaemin randomly stuffed in there, but none of those he wanted to keep. It was the photo tucked behind a magnet on the back wall he wanted. It's an old photo. The part under the magnet is starting to crease and tear from how long it's been up there. Jaemin tugs it free gently, taking great care as to not rip it.

It depicts all of them. The Dream team. Taken the day of Mark's graduation, or in Jaemin's mind, the beginning of the end. Mark is in his cap and gown, and Donghyuck's pressing a kiss to his cheek. On his other side stand Chenle and Jisung, arms wrapped around each other. Past Donghyuck are Jaemin, Renjun, and Jeno. It's a happy memory, despite its now bittersweet connotations.

Jaemin slams his locker door shut.

-

On the way out, he runs into Eunsae. Jinwoo still sticks behind her like a shadow, hunched over and scared. Jaemin pities him. Maybe if he never knew Eunsae he would've been a good person. Most of his cruelty always seemed spurred on by Eunsae. _You're too kind_, he remembers Renjun scolding. _Always making up excuses for shitty people._

_Tragic, the two of them,_ he thinks.

The hallway is empty. It's just the three of them. Eunsae stares at Jaemin expressionlessly. Jinwoo doesn't look at Jaemin at all. There's a million things Jaemin could and probably should say to them, but none of them leave his tongue. Instead, it's; "I don't forgive you," he says.

Eunsae raises a brow. "I don't have to," he continues, not pausing to wait for a response or to think, "and I probably never will. You were cruel to me, Eunsae." The words tumble out before Jaemin can stop them, but there's no going back now. He forges onward. "You made my life living hell. I hated you for it. You lied and almost stole everything I had from me. And—" Jaemin inhales sharply. "I hope you learn how to be kind," he says finally.

Eunsae looks... sad almost. Jaemin briefly wonders what her story is, and why she is the way she is. There's always a reason. No matter how trivial it is.

Jaemin brushes past them without waiting for their response. He doesn't turn back to see if Eunsae watches him go or not. Maybe if he had stayed, she would've said "I'm sorry," voice only heard by the deadness of the hallway. Or maybe she would've lashed out, like she had always done in the past. Whatever she would or could've done, it doesn't matter now. Because Jaemin is free of her. Free of this school, and of Vernon.

-

"Savior!" somebody calls. Jaemin turns. It's one of the kids he's "saved" before, if that's what it could be called.

"Don't call me that," he mutters.

They tilt their head. "Sorry," they say, not sounding sorry at all. "But... You did help me a lot, you know that right?" Jaemin frowns. The kid looks up at him, and smiles. "My name's Yangyang, if you were curious." Jaemin wasn't, but it was nice to know.

Maybe in the back of his mind, he did it because they reminded him of Jaemin. Small, and lonely. One person against the vast expanse and cruelty that was the college social scene. Maybe, just maybe, he hopes, they'll turn out better than Jaemin did.

Jaemin manages a small smile for them. "Good luck kid," he says. They squawk. He can hear them protesting, as he walks back towards where Jeno and Renjun are waiting.

"I'll never forget you Jaemin!" they yell, and Jaemin freezes. They knew his name? He's sure they never talked. Jaemin never hung around the kids he so supposedly "protected." He made sure not to. That'd be an awkward conversation.

"Jaemin!" Jeno calls, rolling down the car window. "You coming?"

Jaemin shakes himself, willing himself to ignore any thoughts about Yangyang, and keeps walking towards the car. He dumps his bags into the trunk before sliding into the back seat beside Renjun.

"You ready?" Jeno asks. Jaemin heaves a breath, and stares at the college before him.

"Yeah," he says. Renjun nods beside him and squeezes his hand gently. As they pull out, the school gradually becomes smaller and smaller in the distance, until they turn left and Jaemin cannot see it anymore. It'll always be there though, in his mind's eye.

"Where to?" Renjun asks, pulling out his phone. Jaemin leans over to look at the map. He hums and taps a finger on a nearby city. Renjun zooms in. "You sure?" he says.

Jaemin nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to clarify, i'm not trying to "justify" eunsae's actions in any way. eunsae resembled the worst of every conversation i've had with people, either because they were insensitive or didn't know, and is really cruelty in human form... that being said, i don't believe people are inherently "evil." maybe im just too nice, but i think people always have a reason for being mean. maybe it's something as trivial as entitlement, and that's how they were raised and see the world, maybe it's something else.
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking around <3 see you next chapter


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY it's been like a million years gshdkjlck

Thempley is large. It's impossibly busy, and remotely nothing like Vernon. Jaemin can't help the intake of breath as they start the drive in. They're barely in the outskirts of the city and Jaemin can't help but notice how different it all is. There's people walking everywhere, and more cars than he's ever seen in the entirety of Vernon.

"We're—We can? Here?" Jaemin stutters out.

Renjun reaches a hand over to his. This time, Jaemin grabs it before he can pull away. Renjun shoots him an amused look, but says nothing more than, "Of course."

-

It's summer, and the city reeks of garbage and piss. Some streets are littered with empty cups and wrappers, but Jaemin can't find himself to mind. Somehow, even with the stench and trash it's better than anything in Vernon ever was.

Jaemin _loves _it. He loves the crowds, the tall buildings, everything. Given that they up and left Vernon as fast as they could (and good, given that. Too many memories there for them to stay any longer, for all three of them.) they needed to find somewhere to stay quickly. Renjun pulled up the address of a hotel and dump their stuff there. They reason that they'll contact someone tomorrow about an official place for them. _Them_. The three of them, together.

Jaemin can hardly believe it.

-

They move into a one-bedroom apartment not far from the city center. Renjun and Jeno double check, triple check, and then quadruple check if he's okay sleeping with them. Jaemin was quick to reassure them he was more than fine with it. God knows how long he's dreamed of something like this.

Renjun cooks them a spicy Chinese fish dish that night. It's delicious, but Jaemin can barely bring himself to eat more than a fourth of it, even with his excitement. It's spicy and warm and _oily_. Jaemin regrets not being able to eat more, but Renjun and Jeno say nothing.

It's fine, after all.

-

Their apartment is bare. It only came with the bare essentials, a kitchen and a bed. Renjun and Jeno take on the task of unpacking while they chose to send Jaemin out to look for more furniture. Doubt starts to creep back into his mind. Why would they choose to send only him? Would they rather he not be there? Is that why the decided to stay back together at the apartment?

All of this is of course, irrational. Why would they even invite him to live with them for longer if they didn't want him here? But Jaemin can't stop his mind from spiraling. He does his best to focus on the task they gave him, but every once in a while his mind wanders to wondering what they're doing.

The answer is probably unpacking, like they said they would. Maybe they're preparing a surprise for Jaemin, and that's why they sent him out alone. _Maybe they were hoping he'd get lost and never return_, a voice whispers.

In the end, Jaemin picks out some simple furniture he hopes will cater to their tastes. He's not sure anything he'd pick would match.

-

Jaemin sometimes wonders what would have happened if he just... disappeared. _Would anybody have cared if he died? _Jaemin's mind immediately goes to Renjun and Jeno. Of course, they’d miss him.

But who else? Would anyone else in the world even notice, if Na Jaemin just... disappeared? If he just left his life. If he walked out of town, and kept walking and walking until he was two towns over. Would anybody have noticed? Would anybody care that he was gone? Would anybody look for him? Would his classmates have stared at his empty desk and wonder what happened to the boy who sat there, or would their eyes skim right over it, as if it were as unnoticeable as a rock or a tree.

Jaemin finds comfort in the fact that at least Renjun and Jeno would notice. Even if they were still miles away, somehow, they’d notice. And shouldn’t be enough then? To be loved by not one, but two people? It’s greedy of Jaemin to want more. He’s so unbelievably lucky to have two sweet, caring people who love him.

So why he does he still feel so hollow?

-

Jaemin applies for a photography apprenticeship at a newspaper. He's not expecting anything. He doesn't have an amazing resume nor a very large portfolio, so his chances are slim. Especially when Thempley is so much larger than Vernon, and there's sure to be lots more talented people here than him. But he applies anyways. Besides, it can't do any harm to try.

-

Time passes. Jeno obtains a basic retail job and Renjun does as well. Renjun applies for a few lab interns to build up his resume. Their apartment is looking more homely now; now fully furnished and unpacked. Everything is still relatively new. From the apartment walls to the location to their relationship.

Nothing has progressed much yet. Renjun and Jeno are trying to be respectful of him, he can tell. They hold his hand and kiss him all over, but never on the mouth. At times it feels stilted. Jaemin can feel the boundaries they've set for themselves as friends hindering their relationship. It'll take some work. But Jaemin thinks they can make this work.

That night he receives an email letting him know that he's been called in for an interview. It's basically the second round. Renjun and Jeno are enthusiastically happy for him.

"Jaemin! That's amazing!" Jeno shouts.

"Yeah," Jaemin says, still staring at his phone. "It is."

-

The day of he double checks and then triple checks the location and the time. Right before he's about to enter he checks again that he's in the right place and early enough (he arrived at the building twenty-five minutes beforehand). Jaemin inhales and smooths the lines on his pants before approaching.

The photography building is tall and sleek like every other one here. Lots of glass windows and very modern. A far cry from the little bungalows of Vernon.

He's to go to the 17th floor. The elevator ride is spent in the silence of his own mind. And then he sits, on a row of chairs lined outside the head's office. There's only one other person waiting there. It's a girl. Jaemin sits on the other far end of the row of seats from her.

Minutes pass, and somebody comes out and the girl goes in. Now Jaemin is alone, and the time ticks by. A few people pass by, but nobody stops to stare at him. Jaemin appreciates that.

"Jaemin?" someone calls finally. They peek out their head. It's Kevin, the head of the company.

Jaemin stands. "Hi," he says. _Confidence_, he reminds himself. No one likes a timid candidate.

"Hi," Kevin says, and reaches out to shake Jaemin's hand. Hopefully he doesn't notice how sweaty his palms are. "It's great to meet you." He holds the office door open for him. Jaemin bows his head as a semi-thanks.

They sit. "Na Jaemin," he reads, off of the application on his computer. "You're twenty-one?" Jaemin nods. Kevin types something.

"So," he says, sitting back. "What drew you to our company?"

Jaemin swallows. "As a photographer, I believe it's important that news have equally powerful images to accompany a story. It'll help draw the audience in and deliver any story with more impact."

Kevin hums. "A good answer," he says. "But what's _your_ real answer?"

His heart pounds. "What?" he says, and hoping his face isn't as scared as he feels right now.

"I mean no offence," Kevin laughs. "But what do you really feel?"

Jaemin grips at the cloth of his pants. What does he _mean_? Is he mocking him? "I don't know what you mean," he says. _Stupid_, he thinks.

"Alright," Kevin says, voice softer, and Jaemin thinks _It's over_. "We'll email you in a few days to let you know the result," he says. "Thank you for your time."  
"Thanks," Jaemin mumbles, and promptly scurries out of the office.

-

"How'd it go?" Renjun asks.

"Awful," Jaemin says.

"I'm sure it can't be that bad," he says. Renjun wraps his arms around Jaemin's waist. "What happened?"

"I just—" Jaemin presses his hands against his eyes and wills himself not to be too over emotional over one interview. "I didn't understand his questions. He probably thinks I'm stupid."

"I'm sure he doesn't," Renjun says.

"You didn't see the way he looked at me," Jaemin mumbles. This time, Renjun doesn't offer any more comforting words, knowing they'll probably make Jaemin feel worse. Instead, he presses a light kiss to the nape of his neck.

That night Jaemin can't sleep, instead lying awake like he used to at the dorms; staring at the ceiling, and mind abuzz with intrusive thoughts.

-

Every day that passes only brings Jaemin more anxiety over it. He wishes the results would come out already. But he knows they said to "expect it within a week or two" and it's only been a few days. He shouldn't expect anything. Certainly not since he's definitely going to get rejected, and that'll take even longer.

Jeno and Renjun take him out to dinner that week to ease his mind off of the application. It's a downtown Korean BBQ place. Stepping in Jaemin can already feel his mouth watering, the aroma almost blasting out the door.

"It smells so good," Jeno groans.  
"Let's order quickly," Renjun says. They all readily agree.

For the night, Jaemin almost doesn't think about anything except Renjun and Jeno.

-

The email comes that night, to Jaemin's surprise. The title is vague enough that Jaemin actually has to open it to know his result. He doesn't delay, wanting the pain to be over quickly.

_Dear Jaemin,_

_Thank you for applying. We'd like to inform that we would love to have you be a part of our team here at Thempley News. Please respond within 48 hours to let us know of your decision._

_Warmly,_

_Kevin_

Jaemin stares at it. No way. Did he read that right? He quickly scans over the email again.

"Oh my god," he says.

Renjun looks up from his laptop. "You got the results?" he asks, already standing and walking over to see.

"Yes," Jaemin says. He shoves his phone in Renjun's face and watches as he reads.

"Jaemin," Renjun says, grinning. "This is great news! Are you happy?"

Jaemin smiles. "Yeah," he says. "And excited," he adds.

"We have to tell Jeno," Renjun says. "And we should start dinner. Help me cook something?" Jaemin agrees, but not before replying quickly to Kevin and accepting.

-

He was told by the email that the front desk secretary would have more instructions for him.

She's a serious looking woman, with round bubblegum pink glasses that look out of place with her outfit.

"Hi," Jaemin says. "I'm the new apprentice, Jaemin."

"Na Jaemin," she says. Jaemin nods. "Great, please head up to the 12th floor to desk 12E where you'll meet your partner," she says, passing him a file. Jaemin thanks her and heads towards the elevator. Unlike last time it's the morning rush, so quite a few people came on as well. Jaemin found himself crammed in the back corner. With all the stops the elevator stops he was a little worried he would be late for his first day. _You're so early. It's going to be fine_, he reassures himself. He's always hated being late.

12E is all the way at the back of the floor. He wonders what his partner is like, and if they'll be nice. The follow-up email had said he would be partnered with a more experienced photographer to help him get used to the job. _It'll be temporary_, they said. Jaemin also had a feeling this partner was supposed to monitor him, to make sure he'd be a good fit for the job. A good impression on them is important.

There is a fluffy dark-haired boy sitting at the desk. Jaemin coughs to get his attention.

“Hi, I’m Jaemin,” Jaemin says. The boy stares at him. “I’m your partner?”

“Oh! Hi!” he says, a warm smile spreading on his face. “I’m Xiaojun.” He sticks out a hand. Jaemin shakes it, and then rethinks on his name. _Xiaojun_, he had said. The name sounded familiar. "Can I ask? What experience have you had as a photographer?" Xiaojun asks. Jaemin tells himself to calm down. He's just being friendly. But he can't help but feel like it's the interview all over again.

"Not much actually," Jaemin chuckles. "Mostly with college projects and classes."

Xiaojun smiles. "No worries. We all have to start somewhere," he says. "Have you had a tour of the building yet?" Jaemin shakes his head. Xiaojun stands and motions for Jaemin to follow him. "Come on, I'll show you."

Xiaojun takes him around the 12th floor. There's a small break room to the left of their desk area. Xiaojun warns him not to leave food in the fridge as there's an uncaught food thief on their floor. They walk back through the desk area and Jaemin is introduced to multiple people. By the end, he feels exhausted of small talk and greetings.

"And this is where we'll work," Xiaojun finishes. "Any questions?"

Jaemin only has one. And it's not work related. He hopes Xiaojun won't think he's weird for asking. Besides, there are lots of Xiaojuns in the world, so what are the chances it'll be him? "You wouldn’t happen to have Discord, would you?" Jaemin asks. Xiaojun’s eyes widen.

"I do," he says. "Why do you ask?"

"You wouldn't happen to be dexiaojun would you?" It's about to get super awkward if he's not. Jaemin silently prays he hasn't just ruined his work relation with his partner.

But to his surprise and glee, Xiaojun flusters. "I—What?" Xiaojun stares at him. "How did you know?"

_No way_, Jaemin thinks. “I was nanazs,” Jaemin says. "We were in that photography discord together."

“Oh my god,” Xiaojun says, mouth dropping open. He jumps up and squeezes Jaemin into a tight hug. “I can’t believe this,” he says. “Hold on,” he says. He pulls out his phone. “I’ve got to tell Lucas this.”

“Lucas?” Jaemin repeats, remembering fondly the many conversations he had with the trio. “You know him?”

Xiaojun laughs. “Yeah, we’ve actually met up a few times. He’s still all the way over on the west coast but he’s flown here a few times for cons and stuff.” Xiaojun catches Jaemin’s gaze, and he softens. “He’ll be glad to talk to you,” he says. “If you want.”

“I’d—I would,” he says, slightly overwhelmed by emotions. He wasn’t expecting this. He wasn’t ever expecting to see them again, let alone at his new job.

“Smile,” Xiaojun says, raising his phone. Jaemin flashes a cheesy grin and a peace sign. "Give me your phone number, I’ll send it to Lucas."

No more than a few seconds later Jaemin's phone buzzes.

** _unknown number:_ ** _ NANA??!!!_

Jaemin smiles fondly at the text. _hi_, he sends back.

"No texting at work," Xiaojun scolds, but his tone is light. Nonetheless, Jaemin quickly stashes his phone back into his pocket. Xiaojun laughs. "C'mon, we have lots to get done."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, guess who shows up :D 
> 
> there's actually not that much plot ground i want to cover left, so i think the next couple-ish chapters will be the end. thanks all for reading <3
> 
> also a hugee thank you to karissacharies who made me a playlist!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2vfZnwzrEoEqA1A0lqz1yA?si=Vy2-aU9OTSuKszY79yrk4A
> 
> i also suggest you read their amino post as they go into wonderful depth about each song on it: http://aminoapps.com/p/d0965i


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SJHGJHHSHHHHH it's done... i can't believe.... my baby
> 
> i really hope you guys will enjoy this last chapter, i was a little nervous wrapping everything up bc, well it's like landing a huge plane. u wanna do it Right.

Xiaojun takes him around the following weeks to several outings where Jaemin has the opportunity to "show off his chops" so to speak. Xiaojun takes photos as well, but tells Jaemin that he shouldn't compare himself to him.

"This isn't a competition," he had said. "It's a learning experience for both of us."

"Both of us?" Jaemin had asked, because what could Xiaojun possibly learn from Jaemin?

"Yep!" Xiaojun had smiled. "You can learn a lot from anyone no matter their skill level."

-

When they get back to the office building Xiaojun teaches him how to upload the photos into the server and edit them a little. Jaemin plugs the card reader into the desktop and loads up Photoshop. He makes a few edits in the raw processor before exporting them. Jaemin frowns as he scrolls through the rows of photos he took. They're... alright, he supposes. They're not objectively _bad_ photos, they're just not as amazing as he would've liked either.

"What's wrong?" Xiaojun asks.

"My photos look boring," Jaemin says plaintively.

Xiaojun peers over his shoulder. "They look pretty good to me," he says.

"They look the same," Jaemin says, staring down at them. They're not good enough. He has to progress as a photographer here. Not take the same photos that he's was taking during college. He needs to get _better_; but he doesn't know how to.

-

They take more photos. Every outing Jaemin attends to only proves to discourage him more. His photos he feels are getting _worse_. He seems to be getting more and more "bad shots." Blurry, out of focus, not enough depth, too much noise... His list of complaints could go on. Even when they're fine, that's all they are. Fine. There's no emotion behind them. No story that Jaemin feels from the images he captures.

And the most frustrating thing is that he's not sure where he's going wrong. Photography used to come so natural to him. Taking photos with a story behind it was like a breeze to Jaemin in college. Now he feels like he has to force every shot, to actively try and find something rather than intuit it.

It makes him feel awful about himself. He feels worthless. Talentless. His only redeeming quality about himself was that he was a good photographer. Not just an "okay" or an "average" photographer. A _good_ one. And now he doesn't even have that.

What is he then? He's not smart, not pretty enough, not skinny, and not talented at anything anymore. Really, what do Renjun and Jeno see in him?

-

Jaemin can feel himself retreating back into old habits. He's just not sure he has the will to stop it anymore at this point. His eating habits return, along with the loss of appetite and disgust with his own body. Everything in his life is going wrong now. It's supposed to get _better_, wasn't it? He has everything he needs. He has Renjun and Jeno. He has what's basically his dream job as a photographer. He has every tool he needs to succeed and yet he still can't. What a failure Jaemin is, huh.

"Everything okay?" Jeno asks at dinner.

"Just stressed," Jaemin says. He only picks at the food, despite the gnawing hunger in his stomach.

-

Jaemin loses weight. Again. Not as much as he lost before, but enough to temporarily satisfy the dark beast inside his chest. The worst part is that he feels better about himself afterwards. He spends more time looking at himself in the mirror, feeling _proud_ for how he's changed his body. Thinking, _look at me_. _I can be the smallest_. It's almost like a competition. An urge that he _needs _to be skinnier than everyone. He needs to lose the most weight. He needs this.

(Even though he knows later, it won't be enough. He'll need to lose _more_. But for now, he's okay.)

-

Renjun and Jeno don't bring it up except for the occasional confirmation that yes, he is done eating and no, he doesn't want more food. He wonders if they're even worried about him. (A small part of him knows that they are, definitely.)

They sure act like everything is normal. Maybe it's forced; a part on their part to try and relax Jaemin, but it only serves to stress him more. Do they even notice him? Was this right? Did they, did _Jaemin_ make the right choice? Everything seemed right, seemed to be going in the right direction when it all fell apart. Maybe it was always an illusion of perfection, of happiness that Jaemin experienced.

Jaemin swallows. No. This is his mind talking again. It has to be. Right?

He needs... He needs someone else's view.

-

** _jaemin:_ ** _ can i talk to u about something_

_**lucas:** sure, what's up?_

** _jaemin: _ ** _it's kind of a relationship question?_

** _jaemin:_ ** _ sorry idk who else to ask_

_l**ucas:** nw. i don't mind_

Jaemin hesitates before typing.

** _jaemin:_ ** _ i'm just, not sure if my partners love me_

Lucas takes a moment to respond. Jaemin watches the typing bubble pop up and down with growing anxiety.

_**lucas:** what makes you think so? are they acting different than before?_

** _jaemin:_ ** _ no im_

** _jaemin:_ ** _ ig just insecure skdskh_

_**lucas:** :(_

** _jaemin:_ ** _ and i'm stressed about my photography_

_**lucas:** ur photos are awesome idk what you mean_

** _jaemin:_ ** _ they're literally so bad_

** _jaemin:_ ** _ if even i can't stand to look at them idk how __any reader could_

_**lucas:** don't say that!! >:( send me some if u want, i'll take a look_

** _jaemin has sent 3 images_ **

_**lucas: **wtf these aren't bad at all!_

_**lucas:** ur getting urself down for no reason. i love the composition of the first sm AND the moodyness of them all._

_**lucas:** don't be so hard on yourself. if i showed you these photos would you think they're bad?_

** _jaemin:_ ** _ no_

_**lucas:** then why do you hold yourself to different standards?_

_**lucas:** not everyone is perfect all the time. and you don't have to be perfect either! we're all human and learning. your photos are amazing, nana. _

_**lucas:** regarding ur relationship i think you should talk to them about how you feel! ik tht it might be scary but if they really love u im sure they'll understand and be willing to discuss it. idk them but they sound like good ppl_

_**lucas:** and if they're not i'll fly myself over there to beat them up for u, ok?_

Jaemin almost laughs at the thought. How sweet of him.

** _jaemin:_ ** _ okay_

** _jaemin: _ ** _thanks for this_

_**lucas: **np! im here anytime u need to chat_

-

It makes him feel like a failure, falling trap to old thoughts and enemies of his mind. Like he hasn't come anywhere in the months he's left Vernon behind. But he really _has_. He's better. He just needs to keep moving forward. And maybe part of that is admitting to things he doesn't want to admit to.

"Hey," he says, popping his head out of the bedroom. "Can we all—um, talk for a moment?"

Renjun puts down the book he was reading. "Sure," he says, and a few moments later they're all sitting on their bed. (_Their_ bed. Jaemin still can't get it out of his mind. Sometimes just the word _theirs_ is enough to make him giddy.)

Jaemin swallows, tongue feeling heavy in his mouth. Where even to begin? "I've been—" He gestures. "Having some issues again." Renjun and Jeno are silent as they wait for him to continue. "It's just... Hard sometimes. My mind, comes up with all these different reasons—bad reasons—for things. I don't think I'm describing this we—"

"You're doing fine," Jeno reassures. "Keep going." Jaemin nods, and reminds himself to _breathe_. They love him.

"I've just been insecure I guess about our relationship again. And about my photography. And everything in general," Jaemin exhales. "God. It feels like my life is shit but I know it's not really? Because I have you guys, and a great job. And everything's perfect except my mind can't recognize that it is." Jaemin runs a hand through his hair.

"Have you ever... considered seeing a therapist?" Renjun asks. The idea's crossed Jaemin's mind before. But he hasn't the faintest idea where to start looking for one.

"You don't have to," Renjun adds quickly. "But it might help, speaking to a professional." Renjun's eyes flick downwards. "You... obviously have a lot of things bottled up. If you want to talk to just _us_ that's fine too. I just—I think you should let it out sometime."

"Thanks," Jaemin whispers. He curls a finger around his pinkie.

"We have worries and insecurities too," Jeno says. "I don't ever want you to feel alone in that."

"Yeah," Renjun says. "We've got three people here. No room for feeling lonely." He bops Jaemin's nose on the last word, making him smile faintly.

"I'm sorry," Jaemin says.

"What for?"

"I'm always—so _down_." Jaemin rubs at his eyes. "I'm sure it's not very fun to be around." Renjun shoots a glance to Jeno.

"Jaemin," Renjun says. "We love you very much, you know. We wouldn't be very good partners if we left you every time you were 'down.'"

Jaemin sighs. "Yeah," he says. "But I know you guys must be frustrated. We've been taking it so _slow_ and—"

"May I?" Jeno interrupts, tilting Jaemin's chin up with a finger. Something flickers in his eyes at the look of Jaemin's face. He swallows. Why is he so _nervous_? _It's just Jeno,_ he tells himself. Jeno, who he's known almost all his life. Jeno, who probably couldn't hurt a fly for all his strength. Jeno, who is looking at him like Jaemin's the one who holds all the answers when it's really _Jeno_ who saved him.

"Yes," Jaemin whispers, and that's all Jeno needs. Jeno presses forward and their lips meet. It's soft, and not as intense as Jaemin thought it would've been. Jeno's lips are warm. Jaemin wonders if his lips are cold. Is he doing enough? Does he need to move? In those romance movies the couple is always doing a lot of face smashing and writhing. Jaemin's just sort of... sitting there.

Jeno pulls away slowly, a smile on his face. "Are you okay?" he says. Jaemin nods, a little stunned.

"Yeah," he says. "I'm just—" He makes a gesture. Jeno doesn't say anything, but runs a thumb over the back of his hand.

"Hey," Renjun snaps. "My turn." Jaemin barely has time to blink before Renjun has him flat on the bed. Renjun stares down at him, arms caging him in almost. Jaemin's heart pounds in his chest, a loud _ka-thump, ka thump_. His heart beats for them, the two of them, all _three_ of them.

Renjun's lips are soft, but the force behind his kiss is hungry. He moves so fast and hard that their teeth almost clash. Jaemin's surprised, but not for long. It's so Renjun. Jaemin almost starts laughing. Renjun pulls off, only for long enough to breathe before he's at it again.

Beside them, Jaemin can feel the bed dip as Jeno moves around. Renjun pauses, and leans down to whisper in Jaemin's ear. "You're so beautiful," he says.

Jaemin flushes. Renjun always knew how to make Jaemin come apart. He could've chosen to say anything. _I love you_ was expected. _We love you_ as well. Despite the meaning behind the words, those are easy for them. The three of them have been throwing around words like love since they were children.

"I'm—"

"Don't protest," Renjun says. "Let us show you."

"Please," Jaemin rasps. Heat curls in his stomach. It's so easy to give in to them. For them, Jaemin would roll over and give them whatever they wanted, however. He doesn't matter. Doesn't care. They could ask him for anything and Jaemin's answer would always be _yes_.

And they're the kind of people that would never abuse that. They always check in with him, ask if he's okay, if this is okay, are they going too fast? It's a perfect match the three of them. They balance each other out. Renjun and Jeno complete him, and he them. And Jaemin can't believe that he got to be so lucky.

-

Jaemin wakes up in the middle of the night thirsty. He carefully removes himself from where he's intertwined with Renjun and Jeno and steps outside their bedroom.

It's crazy almost. A year ago, he wouldn't have ever believed he would be this happy. And he is, happy. Really. Sometimes his demons come back to haunt him, but they're nothing like the deep pits they used to be. He's living in a big city with the two loves of his life _and_ he has his dream job. He would've never imagined things could've turned out like this.

Renjun and Jeno _saved_ him really. They came back for him, they dropped their lives for him, they gave him everything when he didn't even know he needed it. Jaemin can only hope he can show them the same appreciation.

He sets the glass of water down on the counter. The moon shines through the glass, casting a silvery light behind it. It's just him right now, a contrast to their busy life. Jaemin used to think of himself as a loner, someone who liked to spend more time alone than with company, but that's not really true. Or at least, not when it's Renjun and Jeno. Right now, he wants nothing more than to crawl back into bed with them.

So he puts away the glass and does so. Maybe last year Jaemin would've stayed up longer to brood on dark thoughts unseen by any. But Jaemin doesn't see the point in dredging up old wounds right now. Not when he has a warm bed and two people who love him in it.

Jaemin climbs over Jeno, jostling him. He presses a light kiss to both their cheeks. "I love you," he says.

-

Love, as it turns out, doesn't cure everything. It's not like in the cheesy romance movies Jaemin treasures so much, where after finding love all the protagonist's issues are magically resolved. No, it's not so easy. Jaemin wishes it were. He wishes Renjun and Jeno could make it all better by kissing him. But they can't, nothing in life is ever that easy, which is why Jaemin is here, right now. Sitting, staring at the door to the therapist he's about to see.

He's _nervous_. Extremely so. Thinking these—these thoughts of his is one thing. Actually opening up and speaking it _out loud_ to another person is another. Jaemin's never met this man before, and now he has to spill every issue in his life to him.

Jaemin takes a deep inhale, and tries to calm himself. Both Renjun and Jeno offered to be here with him, at least in the waiting room, but Jaemin wanted to do it himself. He had to _prove_ to himself that yes, he _can_ do this. He can make the effort; he _can_ get better.

The door creaks open, the patient before him coming out. They shoot him a small smile. "Don't worry," they whisper. "He's super nice, I promise." Jaemin smiles at them. _Deep breaths_, he tells himself.

"Na Jaemin?" the therapist calls.

"Yes," Jaemin says, standing. "I'm ready."

fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u all for reading and commenting <333 i love you all who commented every time i updated pretty much, those comments sustained me to the ending and i hope you all know i appreciate and read every comment even if i don't reply to all of them ;-;
> 
> i really hope this ending is satisfying, it's the ending i've had in mind for a while now. if u can't tell im an advocate for therapy or any form! it doesn't have to be "traditional" therapy where u go and sit and talk to someone (but i do think it can help, it helped me realize a few things), but any outlet for emotions is generally good imo. obv im Not a professional but...
> 
> this fic has helped me vent a lot, and through comments i've read it's helped others vent too. for me, my "therapy" outlet was writing this fic. i poured a lot of my own emotions into it and through that i actually... started to feel better about my own ed and depression etc... i hope everyone who read this and related to parts of it also finds something or someone they feel they can speak to and vent out negative emotions. i wish everyone the best and hope for positive days for everybody <3
> 
> thank you all sm, if you want to hmu on twt to talk ever im here: [@seulges](https://twitter.com/seuiges)

**Author's Note:**

> more chapters to come


End file.
